Faking Smart!

THE DEATH OF THE MAGAZINE INDUSTRY?

2011-12-31T10:40:00.000-08:00

There's a lot of talk about the decline and impending death of the magazine industry. But as John Hodgman says: "At one point in 2011, there were more magazines laying around people’s homes than any other year in history — and you can take that to the bank, the MAGAZINES BANK."

Here's a list of the EIGHT BEST MAGAZINES PUBLISHING IN OUR COUNTRY TODAY:

1. OK!

2. Men's Health

3. Parade

4. Readers Digest

5. People

6. InStyle

7. Living

8. Real Simple

So there you have it. Long live the magazine... well into the year 2012!

DECATEUR'S WEEKLY BUSINESS ROUNDUP

2011-12-29T18:12:00.000-08:00

Hey, guys, what's up?
Whatever...

This week's business round-up comes a couple of days before New Year's, so I'll make it kind of brief so that everybody can get back to doing whatever it is people do during the holiday. To be honest, I'm not in the best mood right now. The reason is that I was kicked out of my bedroom for three days while my sister was in town last weekend with her family.

Basically, my two nephews and one niece got my basement room and I had to sleep on the couch in the den. To make it short, they trashed the place - they got into freakin' everything: my CDs, my clothes and even my Star Wars figurine collection! - and now I can't bring myself to clean up. I'm like paralyzed. I can't think. It's over and they're gone, but it totally sucked.

So, now you get an idea of what I'm dealing with. Sleeping on the couch isn't that bad (I could play the new Skyrim game all night!) but getting up 7:00 a.m., when the kids got up, was absolute torture. Now I know what it might have been like to be that Russian guy in the labor camp when Stalin was around.

Okay, enough about me. Here are my predictions for next week:

1. I've got a good feeling about tech stocks. I see some major announcement coming out of the industry that will give a good bump to companies like Intel and IBM. Thumbs up.

2. Stay away from Verizon. Yes, now! There's gonna be some big fallout from their $2 fee for online billing, and I wouldn't want to be around when the peasants revolt.

3. Dump your Euros. Last week I would have said "buy", but this week I'm back with a bearish stance. Greece is going to come up with some doozie numbers soon and I think Spain is going to be making news about being on the economic brink. Just another reason to move toward advancing Asian equities.

All right, that's it for now. Take care and have a happy New Year. Me... I'll be locked in the basement till at least Monday (avoiding the rent my mom will come looking for...) just me and Skyrim and 10 2-liter bottles of Mountain Dew.

-Decateur

OFFICE SECRET SANTA GIFT IDEAS!

2011-12-15T23:43:00.000-08:00

Here are ~~FIVE~~ SIX! gift ideas for you to use when participating in this year's office Secret Santa. Each item cost no more than $10!

1. WrisTimer Wrist Support $10 (therapy for symptoms of carpal tunnel syndrome)

2. Office Max Stapler $9.99 (staples papers and documents)

3. Purell Sanitizing Wipes $6.00 (sterilizes headsets and keyboards)

4. Jarden Heating Pad $10 (soothes aching lower back pain)

5. FOX Pepper Spray $9.95 (keeps away the unwanted co-worker!)

6. "The greatest book ever written!": Faking Smart!: Get Hired, Get Promoted and Become a V.P. in Six Short Weeks - GUARANTEED! $9.99!

Merry Holidays!
the FSRI

HOLIDAY PROMOTION FROM THE FSRI

2011-12-12T23:42:00.000-08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALL!

In keeping with the spirit of the holiday season, the FSRI has decided to a offer a limited time only special promotion. That's right, when you order a copy (either hardback or digital) of the Faking Smart! book, the FSRI is offering a free slice of Danish Kringle - DELIVERED TO YOUR FRONT DOOR!*

GET A FREE SLICE OF GENUINE RACINE DANISH KRINGLE - DELIVERED TO YOUR FRONT DOOR!

This offer is for a limited time only, so act now!

*The TERMS AND CONDITIONS of this offer are to be found at the conclusion of this short promotional video:

THE FAKING SMART! FOR KIDS' SAKE FOUNDATION

2011-12-09T16:14:00.001-08:00

Hey... what's up? In our attempt to make Faking Smart! a New York Times Bestseller this month, we've realized that we should throw in a promotion or two to help encourage more people to buy the book. Here's one you can't resist:

For the weekend beginning the 9th of December, all proceeds from the sale of Faking Smart! will be donated to the Faking Smart! for Kids' Sake Foundation.

You can't beat that!
KWA

HITTING THE BOOKS!

2011-12-04T22:26:00.001-08:00

CANDACE DEBARGE AT THE FSRI CAMPUS

The December semester is in full swing this week at the FSIHL (Campus Northwest). Student, Candace DeBarge, (left) takes a break between classes to study. Way to go, Candace!

FSRI TO BUILD EXPANSIVE CAMPUS IN CHINA'S GUANGDONG PROVINCE

2011-11-29T22:31:00.000-08:00

ST. ANTON, AUSTRIA - This evening, the FSRI (Faking Smart! Research Institute) has announced its intentions to build a new campus for the FSIHL (Faking Smart! Institute for Higher Learning) in China's southeastern Guangdong province, just outside the city of Yunfu. According to a press release from the FSIHL Board of Regents, this "sprawling" new campus will accommodate upwards of 40,000 residential students, with the flexibility to double student capacity within a decade. Not only will this campus serve as home for tens of thousands of FSIHL students, but it will also serve as the headquarters for the new FSRI Institute for World Peace, the FSRI Organization for Organizational Research and as training ground for the pilot FSRI Olympic Team.

When asked about the FSRI's plans to build its campus near Yunfu, city officials released this statment: 雲浮市被認為是亞熱帶，喜歡晴朗的天氣一年四季，氣溫溫和，雨量充沛，陽光的特點，每年平均氣溫22℃，年平均降雨量1,670.5毫米和1418年度平均日照時數。在今年降雨時空分佈不均。這是陰和乾燥的春季，夏季炎熱和多雨，秋季涼爽，乾燥，冬季陽光明媚的。

HOW TO TWEET A HOLIDAY GREETING

2011-11-27T14:26:00.001-08:00

Here's a quick tip from the FSRI. Around this time of year you'll be expected to send out tweets that contain holiday greetings to certain people or certain groups of people. Below are two twitter templates that you can use when in a pinch:

The personalized tweet:

The "group" or "followers" tweet:

Remember, you don't have to use up all your 140 characters to create a successful tweet!

Happy tweeting!

The FSRI

Happy Thanksgiving!

2011-11-26T00:11:00.001-08:00

From everyone here at the FSRI, we hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving and that nothing majorly wrong happened. Like someone getting Salmonella or something like that. Or that nobody got into a car wreck driving to or from your party. That would be bad.

Also, we hope that you didn't drink and eat too much. And lastly we hope you didn't throw up.

Cheers,
your good folks down at the FSRI

WAFFLE STREET - REVIEWED

2011-11-10T23:34:00.001-08:00

Hey, all. What up? Whatever... It's been a while since I've posted anything to the site, but I've been real busy and that's about all I'd like to talk about right now.

Let's just say that there's been a lot of gutters full of leaves lately, and with Elliot (my helper) back in school I've been slammed. Hey... it's not like I don't appreciate the money. I do. (I've almost got my October rent paid off to my mom.) What I don't like is the work I have to do to get it. And also, I got hurt the other day coming down from the neighbor's roof. I tripped on one of the ladder rungs and landed in a bush. I'm okay, so don't worry. Just a little scratched up is all, and I think I twisted my ankle. But after that I decided to take a break for a few days and get some of the FSRI work done that I promised.

Anyway, that's what's up with me. As for this post, I'm supposed to be writing a review for a new book. It's called Waffle Street, by a guy named James Adams. It was pretty good. About 250 pages or so. It's a "Hilarious true story of one man's journey from hedge funds to hashbrowns..." And I think he decided he'd dedicate the book to his friend Rebecca, which is a really nice thing to do.

Actually, to be honest, I don't know if I liked this book so much. There was not a lot in the way of pictures, other than on the front and back covers. Also, the picture on the front, with a waffle with George Washington's picture on it, is a little bit weird. I don't get it? Does that mean that waffles are a good way of making money? If making waffles is profitable, then I want to know about it!

Apparently the guy, James Adams, was laid off from the front lines of a hedge fund. What that has to do with waffles just doesn't make sense to me? If he was working in the lawn care business, and then decided to make money with waffles, then that's great! I just don't know if it's worth writing an entire book about it?

So, that's that for now. I gotta do a few more posts before the month is out, so stay tuned. Maybe I'll do the Weekly Roundup tomorrow if I get up early enough.

chow,
Decateur

FSRI TO SELL KINDLE VERSION OF FAKING SMART! FOR $.99!

2011-11-06T12:06:00.000-08:00

Hello, everyone!,

The FSRI wishes to announce that, due to an accounting error, we have overstocked our Kindle version of Faking Smart! To free up warehouse space in our Detroit distribution center, he have decided to release these coveted editions for a price so low that online retailers are quaking in their corporate cubicles.

If you buy your Kindle version of Faking Smart! today, you will pay only $0.99! But do not hesitate..! These books are selling fast, and once we have reduced our stock to "pre-accounting error" numbers, the price is sure to jump.

BUY NOW, and get a copy of the book someone once called "The most astounding collection of words ever assembled!"

Cheers,
The FSRI

FSRI WISHES EVERYONE A HAPPY HALLOWEEN

2011-10-29T00:00:00.000-07:00

Have a great Halloween, everyone! The FSRI also wants to extend its best to each and every employee that helped put together this year's FSRI ALL HALLOWS' EVE Celebrity Football Game - FOR KIDS' SAKE Celebration! We are grateful for all who attended and give our sincerest apologies to all the children who wound up in intensive care with bone injuries. Next year's game will certainly be flag football instead of tackle. ;-)

FSRI OFFICIAL MEMO: Remember, all full and part time FSRI employees (including contract workers) must come to work both Monday and Tuesday. Failure to do so will result in termination.

Thank you, and have a wonderful (ghoulish) weekend!

the FSRI

SPINNER WRESTLES CONTROL OF FSRI

2011-09-28T01:45:00.000-07:00

Tom Spinner Jr.

NEEDHAM, ENGLAND - The FSRI has announced early this morning from their Northern European headquarters that Tom Spinner Jr., former head of Widget Technologies Inc., has replaced Harry Jankowskowitz as acting CEO. When asked to comment on Jankowskowitz's abrupt departure, Ella Foster, V.P. of Media Relations, said that she wasn't at liberty to discuss the leadership change, but that "the FSRI was fully operational and no one should really be worrying about it. Our offices are still open!"

Spinner's ascendancy to the top post at the FSRI has come as a surprise to many. His appointment marks second leadership change in as many months for the post formerly held by FSRI founder Karl Wolfbrooks Ager while Ager is away for reasons of "unspecified" travel. Spinner is set to give a brief press conference at the end of the week.

SPINNER TO HOLD PRESS CONFERENCE

2011-09-21T22:42:00.000-07:00

WINDHOEK, NAMIBIA - Tom Spinner Jr., FSRI executive and challenger to Harry Jankowskowitz's leadership position, has announced that he will be giving a press conference within the next two days. No other information was given. At the time of this brief, no one at Spinner's office was available for comment.

It is widely believed that Spinner has been making a move to replace Jankowskowitz as head of the FSRI, but Jankowskowitz's office had denied this claim.

SPINNER AND JANKOWSKOWITZ CLASH

2011-09-17T15:24:00.000-07:00

QUEBEC CITY, QUEBEC - Two top FSRI officials clashed on Friday in what appears to be a struggle for leadership of the organization. Sources say that Tom Spinner Jr., former CEO of Widget Techonolgies Inc., confronted Jankowskowitz during a late board meeting yesterday arguing, more or less, that Jankowskowitz leadership style would soon sink the FSRI and that he should abdicate.

When Jankowskowitz's office was contacted for comment, none was forthcoming.

The FSRI has been in trouble as of late due to Karl Wolfbrooks Ager's departure as chief. The power struggle for control of the FSRI has sent investors scurrying and has further destabilized a fragile Euro.

JANKOWSKOWITZ FIRES SENIOR STAFF

2011-09-11T13:58:00.000-07:00

DURBAN, SOUTH AFRICA - The FSRI has just announced that Harry Jankowskowitz, acting CEO of the FSRI during Ager's sabbatical, has released all senior staff effective immediately. No reason was giving for these terminations other than a short announcement given by the Department of Media Relations stating that "necessary changes were in order."

This shake-up at the FSRI took many by surprise and shareholders have been vocal with their concerns over the changes taking place while K. W. Ager, CEO and founder of the FSRI, makes a short trip to the future. "We're going to wait and see what is going on and then make adjustments on an as needed basis," says investment analyst Clive Shorter. "We would all like to see Ager wrap up his trip and come back to the current time. Until then, we'll just have to hope for the best."

Many eyebrows were raised when Ager appointed of Harry Jankowskowitz to run the FSRI while it's founder was away. Consensus regards his resume as woefully lean, with no experience at running a company the size of the FSRI. Jankowskowitz is said to be a firm adherent to most of Ager's business theories, but it remains to be seen whether or not his actions can match his reputation.

JANKOWSKOWITZ TO MAKE ANNOUNCEMENT

2011-09-03T22:19:00.001-07:00

UPPSALA, SWEDEN - Harry Jankowskowitz, Acting CEO of the FSRI, will soon be giving an announcement regarding the FSRI daily operations. No further information is given at this time.

JANKOWSKOWITZ SENDS GREETING!

2011-08-28T00:22:00.000-07:00

Hello, everyone, I'm here to confirm that I'm now in complete and comprehensive control of the FSRI. As sad as it is to hear of Karl Wolfbrooks Ager's time travel dilemma, I'll assure you that the FSRI is presently in excellent hands (...MINE!) As the official appointee of Karl Wolfbrooks Ager, I'll do everything in my power to fulfill the ideals Ager worked so hard to achieve. I hope you'll stand with me as we work through these difficult and challenging times to help the FSRI through to a positive and productive future.

Glad to be onboard,
Harry Jankowskowitz CEO, FSRI

Decateur's Weekly Business Roundup

2011-08-20T23:10:00.000-07:00

Hey, what's up. How's it been hanging?
Eh, whatever...

I know, I know... You're frustrated and scared. Right now the Euro Zone is in fiscal paralysis with Greece, Ireland and Portugal struggling with insolvancy, Asian equities markets are in a tailspin over global economic anxieties and the U.S. unemployment figures indicate that all the talk of recovery was nothing but pie-in-the-sky hogwash. If this is true and we are approaching a period of extended negative growth (the big "double dip"), there is only one thing to do... sit back and chill, for gosh sakes!

Sure, there's a lot of things to worry about right now, but let's look at the bigger picture. At the beginning of summer I was in pretty deep. My mom was complaining that I hadn't been paying rent on time (which is only partially true) and that she was tired of seeing oil drips on the driveway from my 92' Taurus. (I needed a new pan gasket, but whatever...) Yes, money was lean at the time. It had been a rainy spring and my lawnmower wasn't powerful enough to handle real heavy grass... so I was stuck. I was depressed and basically shut myself in my room and played World of Warcraft for about two weeks straight. One morning I came upstairs and noticed that it was pretty good mowing weather. I made a few calls and bingo!, I was back in the game!

I called the Wilsons, the Everetts, the Boehms and the Allens (my stand-bys), and the next thing you know I'm booked solid for a week. After a few days I had real money in my pocket and I wasn't about let it go to waste on car repairs and rent. I got smart!

Using my mom's printer I printed up about 20 flyers and had my neighbor run around the neighborhood rubber-banding them to different door handles. Elliot is like 13 or 14. Good kid, but a little dim. Anyway, next thing you know I start getting calls - tons of calls! - I get like five more jobs locked in and my worries are basically over. Recession-smession! Here's the math for an average yard in our neighborhood:

COSTS:
2 Gallons of gas (average amount to run mower per yard) $7.25
8 oz. oil (1/4 a quart Pennzoil) $.75
Elliot's pay (he bags the grass and cleans the mower blade and air filter @ $2.00/hr) $4.50
TOTAL COSTS: $12.50
FEE CHARGED: $35.00
TOTAL EARNED: $22.50

You don't have to be an Einstein to see where this is going, do you. Anyway, I'm sitting pretty good right now, regardless. I almost got my rent paid through August and I started parking my car on the street where it won't drip oil on the driveway. I guess what I'm saying here, is that with a little hard work anybody can get by, even in this economy. Sometimes you gotta pull yourself up by your bootstraps, as they say. It's all about initiative and drive...

Thanks everybody. My next project, for those who are interested, is starting a gutter cleaning side business. Elliot's really good at it, and all I have to do it direct him from the ground. Thing is, he's back in school in September, so I have to see how much we can get done before he starts soccer practice.

Thanks... whatever,
-Decateur

Decateur's Weekly Business Roundup to Appear Friday

2011-08-17T20:18:00.000-07:00

Lillehammer, Norway - The FSRI has announce that Decateur Thoms will be delivering his weekly business roundup at the end of the current week. Maybe friday. Rumors are circulating that Mr. Thoms, chief Business Pundit at the FSRI, will announce some radical analysis of today's business ongoings.

At the time of the writing of this article, neither Decateur nor the FSRI were unavailable for comment.

Diagram of Dr. Ager's Cryogenic Cave

2011-07-24T12:55:00.000-07:00

High up in the Cascades the FSRI designed a fail-safe way for me to be frozen for my journey into the future. Here is a rudimentary illustration of how this was accomplished.

TEN THINGS I'll MISS AFTER WAKING UP FIVE YEARS IN THE FUTURE

2011-07-13T01:50:00.000-07:00

As you well know, I'm freezing myself this Friday and I'll be sleeping in this cryogenic state for five years whereupon I'll be "reawakened" to continue to live my life as I do today, but five years later. This "sleep" will seem like a short nap to me.

Anyway, as my journey begins I started wondering what I would miss when I awaken half a decade from now. My thought experiment required that I come up with ten things that are around today that most likely won't be around when I wake up. Here they are:

1. My subscriptions to "Popular Science", "Better Homes and Gardens", "Wired" and "Men's Health" magazines. (These subscriptions will not be paid during my absence.)
2. Facebook. (At least nobody will be using it.)
3. The half-used tub of sour cream I bought last week.
4. Pickle, my neighbor's 17-year-old labrador retriever.
5. The duct tape wallet.
6. The 2012 Summer Olympics.
7. Bananas.
8. Permafrost.
9. Tuna.
10. The Pontiac Fiero.

Thank you,
KWA

AGER TO FREEZE SELF, AWAKEN FIVE YEARS IN FUTURE

2011-07-02T15:58:00.000-07:00

KARL WOLFBROOKS AGER

Kortrijk, Belgium - In a brief press conference today in front of the Belgium headquarters of the FSRI (Faking Smart! Research Institute), Karl Wolfbrooks Ager, founder and CEO of the FSRI and award-winning author of Faking Smart!: Get Hired, Get Promoted and Become a V.P. in Six Short Weeks - GUARANTEED! gave a brief statement indicating he will step down from overseeing the the daily operations of the FSRI while he goes on sabbatical. Dr. Ager's full official statement is given below:

I want to thank everyone who has made the past fiscal year at the FSRI and FSIHL one of immeasurable success. Without the hard work from our staff and students our venerable institutions would never have attained the global status and profitability that Faking Smart! enjoys today. Thank you all! And thank you, Jenny, for sweeping up the spilled bag of Cheetos somebody "forgot" to clean up in the physics lab last Wednesday.

Anyway... you are probably wondering why I've called for this press conference, and you are no doubt wondering if I'll be attending this year's FSRI/FSIHL July 4th Independence Day cookout? To the second part of your question I'll answer by saying "Do not fear, I will be attending the cookout." As to the first part of the question... this is where things get a little tricky. The reason I'm calling this press conference is to state my decision to step down from overseeing the daily operations of the FSRI for exactly five years time. In my stead, for that five year period, Harry Jankowskowitz will serve as acting CEO. I hope you welcome him and make him feel at home. Thank you, Harry.

Harry Jankowskowitz, Acting CEO

Why am I stepping down? The answer is simple. I have come to the conclusion that I am in no way interested in living in our current time. This may be shocking to some, but I say it with utmost sincerity. I have decided that I, in the middle of the month, on the 15th of July 2011, will enter into a cryogenic sleep-state in our prototype FSRI Dreamtank™ facilitated by the FSRI's Cryogenic Science Division. This state of hibernation will last for a period of five years whereupon I will be reanimated and join with our future civilization. The entire process will seem to me as nought but an extended nap. I am assured that when I awaken five years hence that I'll be no more aware of my extended somnolence than I am after my late-afternoon toddy-induced snooze. In other words, in a mere snap of a finger I'll arrive in the future! Which brings me to my next announcement.

While on my voyage to the future I'm told by our scientists that my brain wave activity will be drastically reduced. But not completely! Therefore, I'm am a willing participant in a pioneering study that will involve the implanting of a micro-computer transmission chip in my brain so that I can maintain basic communication with the outside world. In conjunction with this chip I'll be posting my insights into the future via a new twitter account @fakingsmart where my reflections on our future world will be broadcast for all to see. Because of my quick leap in time I feel it incumbent to share my knowledge with those eager to learn what our future has in store. In other words, I'll be tweeting from the future!

Again, this move may come as a surprise to many of you here at the FSRI and FSIHL. But I'm doing what I feel has to be done. It's not that I'm bored with our world as it is... It's simply that I desire to see the future sooner than it takes to wait around for it. I hope you understand this and permit me my eccentricities. Take care, and I'll see you in five years!

KWA

(Any written correspondences should be sent to my current address FIVE YEARS LATER, due to the fact that I will be sleeping until then. Once I am fully awoken and cognizant of my temporal displacement I'll do my best to respond. If you reply to my tweets I can't guarantee that I'll get back to you right away. I have no idea how this is going to work, and I'd rather not make any unreasonable promises at this time.)

Ager Set to Make Announcement Thursday Night

2011-06-29T22:07:00.000-07:00

Kortrijk, Belgium -- In a surprise move today, Karl Wolfbrooks Ager has announced that he will be making a statement to the world Thursday night. The subject of the statement is unknown and neither Karl Wolfbrooks Ager nor the FSRI has provided any further details.

The FSRI Hopes You Had a Nice Weekend...

2011-06-26T22:47:00.000-07:00

We know that it's nearing the Holiday weekend, but don't get too lazy yet! (Just joking...) This is a reminder to be sure all safety precautions are being followed when working with any FSRI heavy equipment and that you are monitoring oxygen levels during any and all FSRI deep mining excavation.

Cheers, and have a nice day!

KWA

STUNNING NEW EVIDENCE SHOWS THAT DOGS CAN COMMUNICATE TELEPATHICALLY WITH HUMAN BEINGS

2011-06-11T23:24:00.000-07:00

New research at the FSRI Paranormal Research Division (no affiliation with the University of Florida or its recent research on canine telepathy) has demonstrated that dogs (particularly Jack Russell terriers) are able to communicate with humans via a rudimentary telepathic exchange. The video included in this post shows indisputable evidence to support this claim. Watch carefully as you witness the first documented telepathic conversation between man and dog!

KWA

Dig This Gig, a Book Review by Decateur Thoms

2011-06-09T01:28:00.000-07:00

Hey, all! What's up? Whatever...

So, I've returned from my vacation from the FSRI and I'm kinda jacked to get back to work. As you know, I was actually placed on "administrative leave" a few weeks ago after publishing an interview that some of the FSRI "higher-ups" didn't think was appropriate. So to show how pissed off they were they decided that I should take a little break. So I did. Now I'm back. No hard feelings. Whatever...

The reason I'm back, though, isn't a good one (...for me that is.) I'm back to do a book review, and as most of you know I don't like book reviews very much because I don't like books. (It's not that I don't like books... it's more like because I don't like to read, and I don't like to read for several reasons; none of which I'll get into now.) But for some reason they couldn't find anyone else to do the review, so here I am and I'll give it my best shot.

The book I'm reviewing today is call Dig This Gig: Find Your Dream Job - or Invent It, and it's by an author by the name of Laura Dodd. I don't know if she's any relation to that guy out in Connecticut who was a congressman, but if she is, I didn't find out through this book. Anyway, back to the review...

At 250 pages, the book is a nice size. It's about six inches by nine inches and has a simple blue cover (the color of a robin's egg). It has a nice weight to it too, and I found it very easy to hold when I was reading it. (Yes, I read the real book and not the ebook!) One thing I noticed while flipping through the pages one night before going to bed was how orderly everything looked inside. It seemed like it was very well written and very well thought out. Man there were tons of words! But from what I could tell her points were easy to understand and well argued.

The minuses... There were a few things that really bothered me about this book, and here they are. The first, there were hardly any pictures! Yes, I know what you're saying: How can a book grab your attention if there's nothing to look at but words? This must have slipped past her editors and hopefully she can put in some more graphs and pictures in the next edition.

Second, Ms. Dodd mentions in her title that you can invent a job... NOW WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THAT? Sheeeeesh, I can think of a thousand jobs that I'd never invent, and a thousand jobs that I'd never do! Which brings me to my last point... why on earth would you write a book about making work for yourself? In this day and age there are already a million things to do. Would you actively go out and make more work for yourself? Especially now when the economy is so bad and there's a ton of people out there looking for work? It doesn't make sense. After I write this review I promised my mom that I'd take out the garbage and recycling, clean the gutters after last night's storm, start up the dehumidifier and clean up the dog poop in the back yard. Uggh! Laura Dodd, GET OFF MY CASE!!!!

So that's my review of the book. I hope it helps you figure out if you want to buy it or not. Whatever...

Decateur T.

FSRI OFFICES CLOSED FOR HOLIDAY WEEKEND

2011-05-27T12:45:00.000-07:00

ANNOUNCEMENT FROM FSRI HQ:

All FSRI offices will be closed for the holiday weekend. Offices will reopen on Tuesday 31 May at 8:00 a.m.

If you are participating in our Six-Week Program and have an emergency to report, please visit the FSRI hotline at www.fakingsmart.com/emergencystuff and click to speak with one of our thousands of our stand-by computer workers. If you feel that you need to speak to an actual living consumer-relations agent, please try this number: 889-343-1492-5483-232-1

Have a great weekend!

KWA

(All employees will be require to work overtime next week to account for Monday's recess...)

FSRI Announces Giveaway for Ager's Revolutionary Book

2011-05-22T01:39:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's true... we're giving away five copies of Faking Smart! on Goodreads.

Good luck!

KWA

A Loss Proves a Gain...

2011-05-14T15:45:00.000-07:00

With Spinoza's departure there was an uncomfortable feeling of quietude in the halls of the FSRI. No longer was there the scratching at the door when Spinoza needed to be let out. No longer was there the affectionate snoring in front of the fireplace while I burned the midnight oil trying to put the finishing touches on some groundbreaking article for an FSRI publication. No longer were there the comforting growls and calls for help when Spinoza latched himself onto Decateur's leg during one of Decateur's rare visits to our headquarters.

Grief seems to be the only description for the emotions I have been experiencing these last days since Spinoza's passing. But just as I was ready to accept the fact that, from now on, my life would be devoid of love... enter Bertrand.

Yesterday, after a board meeting of our executive staff, I retired to my office to catch a few winks before proceeding with my quotidian duties. Just as my eyelids grew heavy I heard a scream for help emanating from the hallway and I was jolted back to consciousness. When I opened the door to the hall, I discovered Decateur in a violent and losing battle with a small, frenzied Jack Russell terrier. After prying the tiny jaws loose from Decateur's immobilized leg, Decateur fled and I was left alone in a staring match with this unknowable and wild beast. My instincts told me to retreat... and as I did, the terrier took it upon himself to follow me. He came right into my office and sat down at the hearth of my glowing fireplace, right in Spinoza's old spot.

With mouth agape, I could only feel surprise at my situation. "How peculiar," I said to myself as I lit my pipe and set to pondering. "I could be wrong, but I think this pup has just found himself a new home?" With that the terrier dropped to repose and let out a self-satisfied yawn. It was then that I began the long work of ascertaining his name (for, indeed, he was male...).

I began where I should begin... at the beginning. "Abercrombie?" I called. The terrier took no notice. "Adonis?" Again, he paid me no heed... and on I went through every name recorded in Western scholarship until, later that night, I struck upon the name of Bertrand, the revered philosopher and intellectual of the 19th and 20th centuries. When I uttered this venerable monicker the pup leaped to life and approached me, tail awag, in a gesture of friendship and loyalty. I tossed him a section of a hotdog that I'd been snacking on and he gobbled it up with eagerness and joy. His belly now slightly less than completely empty, he returned to his corner of hearth where he lowered himself and immediately fell into a comfortable doze. Alas!, I congratulated myself. Bertrand it is!

So be it... when one part of your life closes, another always seems to open. I had my VP of Domesticated Pets call our local humane society, and it was learned that our new friend Bertrand had been missing from the society for nearly a day, having escaped his cage where his previous owner was forced to leave him due to economic circumstances. A few pieces of paperwork and all was settled. Bertrand was a new member of the FSRI family.

Welcome, Bertrand!

KWA

R.I.P. SPINOZA

2011-05-08T16:12:00.000-07:00

R.I.P. Spinoza

I regret to announce that my faithful servant and intrepid companion, Spinoza, has made his transition today. No longer will his churlish bark echo through the halls of the FSRI. No longer will his menacing incisors puncture the soft ankle skin of Betty, the administrative assistant in our Wichita offices.

It's not often that one finds a true and trusting comrade during our short but tumultuous sprint through this plane of existence. Spinoza was just that. Since the day I found him weakened and abandoned and curled up in a shoe box that was set adrift down the river Nile near our Cairo office in Egypt, I knew he was something special. From that moment on he accompanied me in many of my most ambitious expeditions. Spinoza has, among other things, mounted Kilimanjaro, windsurfed across the Atlantic, motorcycled over the Great Namib and even entered orbit (albeit briefly) during an air force testing mission. He will be missed.

But on must we go... We must raise a glass to memory, and drink to future compatriots.

I'll miss you, Spinoza, dear friend.

KWA

THE FSRI WISHES TO THANK ITS READERS

2011-05-03T22:46:00.000-07:00

At about this time every year, the FSRI likes to sit back and take a break from its hectic blogging schedule and take a moment to thank each and every one of our faithful blog followers. Sure, you could be checking up on other blogs, or checking your Facebook and Twitter accounts for more timely updates on more relevant news. But for some reason you keep coming back, year after year, for something you don't quite get from those other social mediums.

But we know why you keep coming back to visit. We know why you return, because we get in the minds of our readers and produce exactly what they need (not necessarily what they want), and that is a feeling of familiarity and comfort. At Faking Smart! you get just that... A feeling that you find nowhere else.

When you visit this blog, it's almost like gliding into a reading parlor on a pair of rollerblades. The next thing you know you're sitting in an enormous chair (a chair about 56 feet tall) and all you can do is relax and close your eyes. The you start to drift... drift... drift into that expanse we like to call infinity, until every last one of your muscles is loose and all your thoughts are far, far away on a distant planet...

Where a futuristic galactic race is shooting plasma rays at your escaping planetary exploration team! You round the corner and see your ship. But when you turn back to rally your comrades, a plasma ray cuts through your sex partner's right clavicle. And she drops.

In a scream of vengeful madness you turn back and rush the advancing aliens, past your team and right into the heart of the hoard. You raise your woefully primitive projectile weapon and say these words: "I might have been a furniture maker if it wasn't for my father!" and then you fire indiscriminately into the flesh of the fiendish attackers. One desperate look gains you a meeting with your lover's sorrowful yet glimmering eyes. Her lips part to form a word. It's "I..." or something like that. "I... lll..." she stammers, blood oozing from her wound. "I llllllloooov...."

But a directed plasma ray strikes you in the side of the head and a brilliant flash overcomes you.

That's right. That's what we're talking about. That's what it's like to visit this blog. Out.

KWA

REVIEW OF FAKING SMART! AT WORKADAY READS

2011-04-26T09:21:00.000-07:00

Sarah, at Workaday Reads in southern Ontario, had this to say about Faking Smart!:

Workaday Reads (Click her for the review...)

Thanks Sarah!

FAKING SMART! review from Drew Tarvin at Humor That Works

2011-04-17T14:08:00.000-07:00

C'mon back after the jump!

Click here to go to HUMOR THAT WORKS...

FSRI APOLOGIZES FOR PUBLISHING INTERVIEW

2011-04-12T23:28:00.000-07:00

TRONDHEIM, NORWAY - In a stunning move today, the FSRI apologized for its previous blog post containing Decateur Thom's interview with author Martin Fossum. Spokesperson and VP of Media Relations, Ella Foster, in a brief statement outside the FSRI's Trondheim headquarters, said that due to his actions Mr. Thoms would be placed on immediate administrative leave:
"We regret that Mr. Thoms chose to post his discussion with Mr. Fossum," she said. "While we acknowledge that Mr. Thoms has, in the past, demonstrated excellence and unfailing commitment toward our institution, this latest post clearly indicates that professional boundaries were crossed. In the meantime, the FSRI will continue to provide the kinds of services that one has come to expect from our award-winning institution."

At the time of the writing of this story neither Mr. Thoms nor Mr. Fossum were available for comment.

DECATEUR THOMS INTERVIEWS AUTHOR MARTIN FOSSUM

2011-04-10T17:06:00.000-07:00

Hey, all... How's it going? Whatever...

So, last week I got together with Martin Fossum to talk about the new book he wrote along with Dr. Ager. This is the interview:

Decateur Thoms: Thanks for taking the time to meet with me today.
Martin Fossum: Thanks for having me! It's a pleasure.

DT: So, you've just published this book. That's pretty cool, huh? It must feel pretty good?
MF: Oh, yes, it sure does.

DT: So, you wrote the book with Dr. Ager. What was that like?
MF: It was wonderful to be asked to be a participant in such a challenging project. And to be honest, Decateur, I was a little nervous about the whole thing at the start.

DT: (laughing) Oh, come now...
MF: No, seriously... With Ager's reputation as an industry giant in Faking Smart!, I was pretty intimidated. But as time went along I got more and more comfortable working with him. He was always open to new ideas and always ready to lend an ear when I was up against something that was troubling me. It was a great experience.

DT: Really? I find him kind of a bore.
MF: What?

DT: Nothing. Whatever...
MF: If you're referring to Ager's insistance on excellence and professionalism, I would agree with you whole-heartedly. And sometimes, yes, he might come across as a little stuffy, but that's his style. I'll promise you that he is anything but a bore. What Ager has done to revolutionize the business world is perhaps one of the greatest contributions to mankind in this early part of our 21st century.

DT: Whatever...
MF: Whatever, what?

DT: Ah, nothing. I think I'm just hungry.
MF: Shouldn't we get back to talking about the book?

DT: Suppose so...
MF: How about another question?

DT: Umm... So, the book comes in at 146 pages. How did you decide to keep it at that specific length?
MF: That's a good question, Decateur. Well, initially we were looking at the book to be in the 142-143 page length, then once we got going it looked more and more like we were going to come in at around 146 or 147 pages.

DT: Are you serious?
MF: Now you're starting to bore me...

DT: You know what's boring?
MF: What?

DT: My life... My life is so f*%king boring it's killing me. My mom's breathing down my back for April rent and my Xbox is still out of commish.
MF: You know what's boring to me?

DT: What?
MF: This whole dang Faking Smart! crap. It makes me sick to my stomach. Every day I have to talk and talk about how great this book is, when in reality it's just a piece of garbage. Worthless.

DT: You're kidding!
MF: No. In fact, most of the stuff in the book is just made up.

DT: NO WAY!
MF: I kid you not. Most of the stuff in there is just fiction. Not a grain of truth in it. That's why I laugh whenever anyone trumpets how good the whole concept of the six-week program is. As far as I'm concerned, it's all hogwash, and Ager, as far as I could tell, couldn't care less. All he cares about if flying around the world to attend dinner parties and international career coaching junkets.

DT: No way, dude!
MF: Oh, yeah... It's totally true.

DT: Well shut the front door! Who'da thunk?
MF: Yep. That's the truth, my man. Straight up.

DT: Man. I wish I could do what he does...
MF: Yeah, he's got it made all right. If I had a 100th of his fame, I'd be set for life.

DT: And all that fame is built on the backs of people like me and you...
MF: So true.

DT: Do you play World of Warcraft?
MF: Oh, yeah.

DT: No way, what realm?
MF: Llane. Got a level 73 lock.

DT: Nice. I got an 85 DK. Hey, wanna ditch this interview and meet up at ogmr.
MF: k

DT: np
MF: cya at the AH

DT: l8r
MF: out

FSRI's DECATEUR THOMS TO INTERVIEW MARTIN FOSSUM

2011-03-31T23:11:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's true! Sometime in the days ahead, Decateur Thoms, the FSRI's resident consultant and internet personality, will post his exclusive interview with Martin Fossum, co-author of the famous Faking Smart! book.

No spoilers here, but word has it that this is an interview you don't want to miss! Decateur's merciless wit and razor sharp intellect sheds heretofore unshed light upon the mysterious process that culminated in the book many are describing as one of the most dangerous and subversive business texts of its time.

"This is something you don't want to miss," said Mr. Thoms when reached by phone earlier today. "Sure, Karl W. Ager got all the attention when the book came out, but Fossum is the one you want to go to to find out what really went down. Don't worry... you'll see what I'm talking about."

HOW TO APPEAR SMART ON A PLANE: KWA'S TIP FOR THE DAY #10

2011-03-24T00:58:00.000-07:00

We all know what it's like to fly these days. First there's all the fuss to get to the airport; then you have to wind your way through security lines, remove your shoes, flying cape and ascot before being subjected to a quick round of body cavity x-rays. Only then are you permitted to dress yourself, locate your gate and take a minute to relax before your flight is called for boarding.

Then it hits you: "How am I going to impress the person sitting next to me on the flight?"

Don't worry! Fortunately for you, you will have read this post and you'll know exactly how to handle this precarious situation. At home, before you leave for your flight, be sure to take with you one thing.

Procure a copy of this book:

Now, when wedged between a 350 pound Hummer salesman and an eighty-year-old grandmother, you won't come off as any common plane-flying dolt! When settled in your seat pull out your copy of this Hungarian/English, English/Hungarian dictionary and take a good look at its sprawling text! When the Hummer salesman asks about what kind of snacks are on the flight, roll your eyes and shrug with pained disdain. When the grandmother asks if you're Hungarian, slam the book shut and drop your head as if your were praying for deliverance. If prodded, mention that you're on your way to Hungary to speak with a Nobel winning nuclear physicist about radioactive isotopes and the half lives of cesium 134. Then rub your eyes as if to silence the unforgiving background static and return to your book.

Ta-da! You've done it. Never again will you have to wonder about what to do on a flight!

Good luck!
KWA

NOTICE: FALSE INFORMATION PROVIDED IN PREVIOUS POST

2011-03-17T00:00:00.000-07:00

On Sunday, March 13, 2011 at 2 a.m., you were instructed to set your clocks back one hour in recognition of the beginning of Daylight Savings Time. This information was wrong. What you should have done was set your clocks FORWARD one hour, not backward.

We now request that all readers of this updated post set their clocks forward TWO hours to account for the misleading information provided in the previous post. In other words, if you read this post at 7:00 a.m., the actual time you are reading this post is 9:00 a.m., and you should adjust your clocks accordingly. If, however, you find yourself reading this post at 9:00 a.m., then you're really reading it at 7:00 a.m. and need not worry.

Thank you and please return to work,
KWA

REMEMBER TO MOVE YOUR CLOCKS BACK ONE HOUR SUNDAY MORNING

2011-03-13T01:03:00.000-08:00

To all employees and staff at the FSRI and FSIHL:

On Sunday, March 13, 2011 at 2 a.m., Daylight Savings Time begins in the United States. Please remember to set your clocks back one hour.

KWA

FSRI Pulls Regional Headquarters Out of Libya

2011-03-03T17:49:00.000-08:00

Bowling Green, KY - The FSRI (Faking Smart! Research Institute) announced early this morning, from its branch media locus in Bowling Green, Kentucky, that due to an escalation in violence and lack of regional stability it is withdrawing all but essential staff from its Tripoli offices.

"This decision was based on serious consideration of the safety and well-being of our staff," said Ella Foster, FSRI VP of Media Relations. "What we don't want is to see one of our HR people drawn inadvertently into a civil war," she said. "That's plain and simple bad for business..."

When asked if the FSRI has enjoyed the favoritism of the Libyan strongman, Muammar Qaddafi, over the past several years, Ms. Foster was quick to respond: "The FSRI has always had a policy of remaining neutral when it came to Qaddafi. That Qaddafi has been an advocate of the FSRI and a gracious host to many banquets and polo events in our honor has never influenced our working relationship with either Qaddafi or his regime. Nor has his vast reserves of sweet crude had anything to do with our close ties. That Qaddafi has demonstrated psychotic fugues and exercised the wonton slaughter of thousands of his countrymen has also had no bearing on our judgement of the Libyan leader's business etiquette or corporate style."

When asked if the FSRI plans to return to Libya after the unrest has abated, Ms. Foster added this: "When Libya wants the FSRI back, we will be there. When the people of Libya have spoken, they will have said something with intent, and that's what we've come to appreciate about Libyans. They know what they're saying and when they're saying it."

The FSRI staff has established temporary headquarters in Monaco while events in Libya continue.

KINDLE Version of Faking Smart! Now Available

2011-02-25T08:39:00.000-08:00

CLICK HERE TO ORDER FAKING SMART! FOR YOUR KINDLE!

KINDLE VERSION OF FAKING SMART! COMING SOON

2011-02-18T23:25:00.000-08:00

Yes, to reiterate, the Kindle version of Faking Smart! book will be available within a week. So get out and eread!

Decateur's Official Interview with Karl Wolfbrooks Ager

2011-02-18T13:31:00.000-08:00

Today I got a chance to sit down and talk with the renowned Karl Wolfbrooks Ager about his new book, Faking Smart! Get Hired, Get Promoted and Become a V.P. in Six Short Weeks-Guaranteed! So why don't I stop rambling on and get right to the interview...

DECATEUR: So, Dr. Ager, you've got this book called Faking Smart!... Explain what it's about.

KWA: I want to begin by thanking you for talking with me today, Decateur. It's a privilege to be here.

DECATEUR: No problem, man.

KWA: As for what the book is about, let me just say that it is the greatest effort to date in my career to begin the process of revolutionizing the world of business. In a sense, when writing this book I cast out a gossamer net into the winds and collected what I believe was the global zeitgeist regarding the way business would be trending in the coming years. This book is a prophesy ... a means of showing the way forward for entry-level employees in the century to come.

DECATEUR: So I see that it's 146 pages... How did you decide on that specific number?

KWA: I didn't decide on it beforehand. That the book came to 146 pages was immaterial. What is important is that it's just big enough to to fit in the greatest ideas I've had and to present them in a simple and straightforward method... one that anybody should be able to understand and begin to implement in their lives. Contained in each chapter is a step in a program that will transform a typical entry-level worker into a self-empowered corporate success.

DECATEUR: And what about the pictures?

KWA: What about the pictures?

DECATEUR: You have pictures in the book, but not a lot. Did you think about using more pictures to make it easier to read?

KWA: I'm afraid I don't understand the question. Are you saying there aren't enough pictures in the book?

DECATEUR: I guess so... I don't know. I mean, it's just like there seems like a lot of words in it.

KWA: Did you read the book, Decateur?

DECATEUR: Ah, yes. I had a chance to thumb threw it before we sat down.

KWA: This is a waste of time.

DECATEUR: You can say that again...

KWA: This is ridiculous. I'm insulted. We're done...

DECATEUR: Whatever, dude... Don't forget your pipe.

So, that was the interview with Dr. Ager. As you can tell I was pretty nervous being it was my first interview and all that. But I think it went pretty well.

Decateur -- out!

Faking Smart! promotional video

2011-02-13T00:47:00.000-08:00

Thank you,
KWA
(Now please return to work...)

FSRI DISCLOSES CONTROVERSIAL DATA ON WORKPLACE HUMOR

2011-01-30T15:19:00.000-08:00

Once in a while the FSRI likes to make public the results of some of its ongoing research. Our goal in publishing these results is to broaden public awareness of the important issues and topics facing the business sector, and by doing so facilitate and effect change. To be clear, the FSRI is in no way attempting to interpret this data. The goal in our research is simply to produce data and let others come to their individual and varied conclusions.

RESULTS OF OUR LATEST RESEARCH ON HUMOR AT THE WORKPLACE:

1. A PROMOTION CAUSES AN EMPLOYEE TO LOSE 13.7269% (ON AVERAGE) OF HIS OR HER SENSE OF HUMOR. THE EFFECTS ARE CUMULATIVE OVER THE LIFETIME OF THE EMPLOYEE.*

2. BUSINESS EMPLOYEES ARE PURCHASING FEWER AND FEWER HUMOR BOOKS OVER THE SPAN OF THEIR CAREERS.

3. PURCHASING BUSINESS HUMOR BOOKS IS A GREAT WAY TO IMPROVE WORKPLACE PRODUCTIVITY.

4. 71. 834% OF LIFE COACHES AND MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKERS HAVE COMPLETELY LOST THEIR SENSES OF HUMOR.*

Thanks for looking at these numbers. Use this data responsibly and don't drink and drive while viewing this data.

(* The margin of error is 98%)

Thanks and good luck!
KWA

Have a Happy Weekend...

2011-01-21T11:21:00.000-08:00

Decateur Resigns as FSRI Chief of Staff

2011-01-18T00:13:00.000-08:00

Bogota, Colombia - The FSRI announced today that Decateur Thoms, FSRI consultant and recently appointed FSRI Chief of Staff, has resigned. The reasons given for the resignation were provided by Ella Foster, VP of Media Relations. "Decateur's resignation came as a result of time conflicts associated with the position. Apparently, Mr. Thoms finds it difficult to get up before 10:30 a.m. for our regular Monday briefings..."

"That's not true," insisted Mr. Thoms during a telephone interview conducted late last night from his apartment in S.E. Wisconsin. "It's just that I had stuff going on last Sunday and I lost track of time. I got to bed real late. That's all. Whatever, dude..."

At the time of the writing of this article, Karl Wolfbrooks Ager was unreachable for comment.

FAKING SMART! BOOK AVAILABLE ON AMAZON.com

2011-01-14T10:14:00.000-08:00

Buy the book on Amazon.com now!

FAKING SMART! the book IS NOW AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE!

2011-01-12T17:34:00.000-08:00

I'm sure many of you have been waiting for this... and, at last, here it is. The book is available on CREATSPACE right now, and should be up on Amazon.com in the next few days or so. Thanks for being out there... (wink). By buying this book you support the FSRI, the FSIHL and and most of all, your beloved author. Many years have gone into this production. Hopefully it will be read and appreciated!

This book contains completely new content - none of which has been printed in this blog...

KWA

Faking Smart! Get Hired, Get Promoted and Become a V.P. in Six Short Weeks - GUARANTEED!

Wolfbrooks Hires Decateur Thoms as Chief of Staff...

2011-01-09T23:03:00.000-08:00

Bern, Switzerland - The FSRI announced early today from its Bern headquarters that Karl Wolfbrooks Ager has made his new pick for the vacated position of the FSRI Chief of Staff. Decateur Thoms will be filling the position, it was said. Mr. Thoms was not immediately available for comment. Thoms has been a long-standing servant to Wolfbrooks and the FSRI and it came as no surprise that he emerged as the leading pick for the post. Thoms will continue to fulfill his former duties at the FSRI until a replacement for his past position is found.

AGER RETURNS FROM EAST COAST TRIP..

2011-01-06T09:17:00.000-08:00

Seattle, WA. - Karl Wolfbrooks Ager returned yesterday from a moderately secret trip to the U.S. East Coast where he claims to have visited friends and relatives. According to the FSRI he will presently resume his normal work schedule and address the imminent hiring of a new Chief of Staff.

The FSRI Would Like to Wish All of You a Happy New Year...

2011-01-02T04:50:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's true, the FSRI would like to wish all of you a happy New Year.

As we flip over the calendar in this annual ritual, it's a perfect time to reflect on the events of the past year and to look forward to those that await. It's a time to be thankful of all that we have... and a time to set new goals and to hope for greater things, for both ourselves and others, to greet us in the future.

With this in mind, making a New Year's resolution becomes a perfect way of heralding in the new annum. We recommend that you adopt one or more of the following resolutions to help you reach your fullest potential.

FSRI-RECOMMENDED NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS:

1. "I will stop letting the air out of my neighbor's tires."
2. "I will try to compost more."
3. "I will not look for the fresher milk in the back of the row of cartons."
4. "I will get to work on time... more often."
5. "I will not make unnecessary Facebook comments."
6. "I will refine and become more knowledgable about my political positions."
7. "I will stop intimidating co-workers with my intellect."
8. "I will be kinder toward and more trusting of my auto mechanic."
9. "I will be more effective at branding myself."
10. "I will read self-help books with guarded skepticism."

Voila! There you have it, a number of resolutions that the FSRI has found to be valid and legitimate. Remember, don't worry if you can't decide on a resolution right away. Take you time to pick out the one that is right for you!

Good luck!
KWA

Men - Last Minute Gift Ideas For That Special Woman in Your Life...

2010-12-22T00:50:00.000-08:00

Men, if time is running out and you need to make a quick decision on what gift you should buy for that special woman in your life... here are a number of suggestions to help make your quest a little bit easier.

Here are ten gift ideas that are sure to raise the eyebrows of your significant other!

1. Puppy
2. ShamWow
3. Garden Weasel
4. Chia Pet
5. Cubic Zirconia Ring!
6. Lincoln Mint Commemorative Elvis Presley Plate
7. Foot Spa
8. Solar L.E.D. Cross
9. Snuggie
10. Audubon Bird Clock

Ta-da! So, quit stalling and run to your nearest retailer and... get 'er done!

KWA

Ladies - Last Minute Gift Ideas for That Special Man in Your Life...

2010-12-21T22:50:00.000-08:00

Ladies, if you're running short on time and you're in a panic to get your significant other that "special" gift that he will remember you by, then take a deep breath and don't stress it! Here are ten easy-to-buy, affordable gifts that are sure to please...!

1. Shaving Cream
2. Shampoo
3. Wart Remover Kit
4. Band Saw
5. Drill Press
6. Tire Mounting Machine
7. Pornography
8. Assault Rifle
9. Super Bowl Tickets
10. Mini Bike

There, you have it! Now, get out there and buy your guy a gift and don't let the Holidays get you down!

KWA

The FSRI's "CEO of the Year Award" goes to....

2010-12-16T01:00:00.000-08:00

Tom Spinner, CEO of Widget Technologies Inc.

Congratulations, Tom! Way to go!

For information on Tom, please visit his site at www.widgettech.com

KWA's TIP FOR THE DAY #9 - CREATE YOUR OWN EXECUTIVE PARKING SPACE!

2010-12-09T23:56:00.000-08:00

How many times have you arrived late to work and the only free parking space you can find is in a "remote" parking lot a mile away? Not only do you have to suffer the shame of parking in a different time zone, but walking this distance makes you even later to work than you might have been had you your own EXECUTIVE parking space.

The answer to your problem: CREATE YOUR OWN EXECUTIVE PARKING SPACE!

You only need two things to do this: a can of white spray paint and a stencil kit with six inch lettering.

During a weekend, when few people are around, go to your workplace and find a nice free (and close!) parking space (one that isn't reserved for executives or for those with disabilities), then take your stencil out and use your spray paint to write "RESERVED" in large capital letters on the pavement or asphalt at the front of the space. Hang around for an hour or so (to allow the paint to dry) then, when you come to work the following monday, this parking space is sure to be free - FOR YOU!

If you have a white car then this plan is doubly cool! With the paint you have left over, use it to touch up any dings, chips or scrapes!

Good luck!
KWA

JANKOWSKOWITZ SENDS SEASONS GREETINGS TO FSRI AND FSIHL!

2010-12-03T09:52:00.000-08:00

Harry Jankowskowitz, a business employee and user of one of the many Faking Smart! programs, sends his best wishes to the FSRI and the FSIHL.

THANKS HARRY!

FSRI Announces Author of the Year Award for 2011 (One Month Early)

2010-12-01T22:45:00.000-08:00

Bern, Switzerland - In a press conference today the FSRI (Faking Smart! Research Institute) announced the recipient of the FSRI Author of the Year Award for 2011. The winner of next year's prize will be Karl Wolfbrooks Ager Ph.D. (hon.).

At the time of the writing of this article, Karl Wolfbrooks Ager was unavailable for comment.

FSRI CAFETERIA MENU FOR 29th Nov. - 3rd Dec.

2010-11-28T23:21:00.000-08:00

The post is to clarify any misinformation given about the coming week's FSRI cafeteria menu. The following will be served all week - no exceptions.

BREAKFAST:
Turkey omelet, containing egg, turkey, turkey liver and turkey skin.
Served with small glass of orange juice or water.
$11.99

LUNCH:
Pulled turkey meat on hotdog bun. Side of crescent roll or piece of unfilled pie crust.
Served with small glass of water.
$14.99

DINNER:
Twice-baked turkey breast slice. Side of cold turkey fat or potato skin.
Served with can of Coke or glass of water.
$16.49

Thank you, and have a pleasant and productive week...

KWA

Happy Thanksgiving! - A Word From Karl Wolfbrooks Ager

2010-11-23T11:54:00.000-08:00

Once again it's that time of year when we call up our loved ones and friends and invite them to share our good fortune and bounty together at the dinner table. It is a time to remember good memories and a time to hope for more good memories to come. It is also a time when we conjure feelings of remorse, bitterness and resentment and a time to suffer from indigestion. It's also a time for murder. Sometimes...

I guess that what I'm trying to say is that Thanksgiving should be regarded with a degree of skepticism. Yes, there are times when we should be thankful that we have what we have ..but can't we do that on our own time, like just before we jump into bed or just after our swim in our private lagoon ..after we receive our morning massage?

Personally, I don't care much for "group" gatherings. They give me the chills. The last time I held a "collective" dinner someone wound up dead and the investigation is still pending. Murder is no way to celebrate gratitude, I say!

What I should be saying here is that Turkey is becoming increasingly expensive. Turkeys are also becoming larger in size and they are taking much longer to cook. This means that your guests have to suffer through much longer periods of awkward conversation and aberrant laughter. Football is a fool's last refuge... And during Thanksgiving, there's a fool on every couch!

That said, Spinoza and I wish you all a pleasant Holliday reprieve, and best of luck! We will be enjoying our Thanksgiving at our Bern, Switzerland FSRI offices and welcome all who wish to drop by!

ATTN: all FSRI employees are required to work overtime on Friday as per contractual agreement.

Thank you,
KWA

KWA's TIP FOR THE DAY #8 - THINGS TO DO ON YOUR COFFEE BREAK

2010-11-18T09:34:00.000-08:00

So, you're sitting at your desk and staring at your computer and you find yourself scrolling through an endless series of useless PDF files, all of which appear menacingly similar. Your coworker is sniffling away with a cold in the cubicle next to yours. Lunch or quitting time is just too far off to be of significance. You need to get out of the office for a few minutes and take in some fresh air. You need a coffee break!

As you thrust your way out of the office, like a blind, drooling and panicked zombie, you realize that you are a business person (...and a multi-tasking business person at that!) and that getting a coffee just isn't enough. To feel satisfied, you need to accomplish something else on your break and here are a number of things you can do to make your 15 minute diversion feel productive.

While on your coffee break, why not:

1. Call your stockbroker and place a buy order?

2. Call and break up with a lover?

3. Find the hat store around the corner and try on a cowboy hat?

4. Find a patch of grass and sit in it?

5. Scan the headlines at a newspaper stand?

6. Surf the web on your phone?

7. Write a short poem?

8. Think about what you're going to do next month?

9. Email on old high school friend?

10. Strike up a conversation with a stranger?

Good luck!

KWA

KWA's TIP OF THE DAY #7 - CREATING A BUSINESS CARD

2010-11-17T12:02:00.000-08:00

If you work for a business, are in business for yourself or are planning on going into business for yourself, here is a piece of advice that is sure to get you up to speed in today's fast-paced business climate. Create a business card! When you create a business card be sure to include your name, your contact information and what it is that you do.

If you have your own business card you can give it to:

1. OTHER BUSINESS PEOPLE

2. YOUR PARENTS

3. YOUR FRIEND

4. SOMEONE YOU MEET AT A BAR

5. THAT BOWL IN THE CAFE WHERE YOU CAN WIN A FREE LUNCH

Good luck!

KWA

KWA's TIP OF THE DAY #6 - HOW TO EXECUTE A SUCCESSFUL CORPORATE TAKEOVER

2010-11-16T08:55:00.000-08:00

A lot of people ask me: "I'm thinking about getting into corporate raiding. How do I pull this off successfully?"

It's a good question and it merits a good answer. Here's what I say to all the people who approach me with this very concern:

1. Offer $5 over the share price for a controlling share of company stock.
2. Acquire the company.
3. Fire the board of directors. Then rehire all but one of them.
4. Have the board fire 1/2 the company personnel.
5. Wait for stock price to rise (1/2 year).
6. Unload company.
7. Make a billion dollars!

Good luck!
KWA

KWA's TIP OF THE DAY #5 - HOW TO ANSWER THE PHONE

2010-11-14T13:01:00.000-08:00

People often come up to me and ask me this question: "When I get a phone call at work, how do I answer it?"

While many find this question silly (..jeeesh, you'd just answer the call like you always would), there are many who struggle with this problem ..so much so that when calls come in to their office stations they become paralyzed with fear and indecision. Becoming familiar with a few easy to remember "pick-up" lines can help to reduce those apprehensions and make answering the phone while at work a routine, if not enjoyable, diversion.

Here are ten easy lines to use when your phone rings and you have to answer it:

1. "Good morning! How's the weather our there?"

2. "Hey, what's your problem?"

3. "Leave me alone. Just kidding! ..I love people."

4. "Who gave you this number? .. And how can I help you?"

5. "Hello, and thanks for calling. Make it quick, would ya?"

6. "What now?"

7. "Hi, my name is ________ . Thanks for calling __________ . How can I ________ help you?"

8. "Thanks for calling. Can I put you on hold?"

9. "Hello. What's up? Forgot what an email is, I take it?"

10. "Hi. My name is _______ . You have exactly two seconds to ask your question. ...Bye."

Try them all! And good luck!

KWA

DO YOU KNOW WHO THIS MAN IS?

2010-11-10T23:14:00.000-08:00

NOTICE: FALSE INFORMATION PROVIDED IN PREVIOUS POST

2010-11-09T23:59:00.000-08:00

IN THE INTEREST OF ALL WHO READ AND FOLLOWED THE DIRECTIONS GIVEN IN THE PREVIOUS FSRI POST, THE FSRI WISHES TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT AN ERROR WAS MADE. PLEASE MAKE NOTE OF THE FOLLOWING CORRECTION:

On Sunday, November 7, 2010 at 2 a.m., you were instructed to set your clocks forward one hour in recognition of the conclusion of Daylight Savings Time. This information was wrong. What you should have done was set your clocks BACK one hour, not forward.

We now request that all readers of this updated post set their clocks back TWO hours to account for the misleading information provided in the previous post. In other words, if you read this post at 7:00 a.m., the actual time you are reading this post is 5:00 a.m., and you should adjust your clocks accordingly. If, however, you find yourself reading this post at 9:00 a.m., then you're really reading it at 7:00 a.m. and need not worry.

It's not that complicated, really.. What we're trying to make clear is that, if you followed the previous post's instructions and moved your clocks ahead by one hour, then all your clocks are off (..not telling the correct time) and that you should fix this. If you're still now sure about what to do, return to the top of this post and re-read it until its contents are fully understood.

THANK YOU AND HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY,
THE FSRI

REMEMBER TO MOVE YOUR CLOCKS FORWARD ONE HOUR SUNDAY MORNING

2010-11-07T00:01:00.000-07:00

To all employees and staff at the FSRI and FSIHL:

On Sunday, November 7, 2010 at 2 a.m., Daylight Savings Time ends in the United States. Please remember to set your clocks forward one hour.

KWA

KWA's TIP OF THE DAY #4 - BATTLING A COLD WHILE AT WORK

2010-11-05T00:22:00.000-07:00

It starts with a little sniffle, then your skin gets clammy and then your head starts to get stuffed up. Soon enough, you nose is running full bore and you're pulling tissues out of the tissue box like there's no tomorrow. When people look at you they express sympathy and horror. Some even turn and run away when you approach. That's right, you've got a cold - the veritable crud - and you've got a thousand things to do at your office today and can't possibly let it get in your way.

With autumn in full swing and winter coming on, your bound to wind up with a cold sooner or later. Preparing for this inevitability should be at the top of your list. What to do...?

-After years of research in our Cold and Flu Laboratory at the FSRI, we've made a startling discovery: there's nothing, really, that you can do to avoid catching a cold (apart from completely isolating yourself from human contact). If you are unlucky and do catch a cold, be sure to stay warm, drink fluids and relax. Some say that taking vitamin C is a good way of staving off the symptoms. This probably hasn't been totally proven, though.

If you do catch a cold, eat some chicken soup and in a few days you should be better.

KWA

DECATEUR'S POST ELECTION ANALYSIS

2010-11-03T00:59:00.000-07:00

Hey, what's up? Whatever...

So, you've probably noticed that there was an election last night, and that a lot of people were either voted in or out of office based how much they were liked or disliked. This is what is called "mid-term" elections (I believe), because it happens in the middle of a congressional term, or something like that. Thousands of people vote on this day to decide where the country is headed and how we're going to get there. Some voters are angry with the way things are; other voters aren't. Either way, a lot of votes are cast and in the end (as far as I'm concerned) nothing changes and everything goes back to the way it always is.

Who cares...? I don't. What I do care about is that I'm already behind on my rent and my mom is starting to breathe down my neck. She gave me till next weekend, so that's cool. But still... Give me a break, Mom? I mean, I'm living in the basement, and who else would you get to live here? And, for your info, I've got two leaf-raking jobs lined up on Saturday, so money is not a problem.

Sheeesh!

Anyway, my main goal this month is to save up for World of Warcraft's expansion kit that comes out early next month. Totally rad. CATACLYSM. New max level at 85. Two new races. This will set me up through January, for sure.

-out
Decateur

KWA's TIP OF THE DAY #3 - USING YOUR BREAK ROOM REFRIGERATOR

2010-11-01T23:44:00.000-07:00

Halloween is over. The weather has turned suddenly cooler and the Holidays are close at hand. As you stand in your slippers in front of your refrigerator at home and look into that wasteland of expired condiment bottles, jars of ancient preserves and any number of plastic containers of indecipherable (and clearly noxious and spoiled) foodstuffs, you wonder how you're going to find room for all the new delicacies your friends and relatives are about to give you? It's a hassle to clean them all. It's also a hassle figure out where to put the containers once they're cleaned! No worries. Here's what you do...

-First off, take the items in your refrigerator that you haven't used in more than two years and push them all to one side. The next morning, before you leave for work, place that jar of eight-year-old capers in your briefcase or purse and take it with you. Great! After you've arrived at work, place the bottle of capers along side the container of yogurt you normally place on a shelf in the refrigerator. When you leave work at the end of the day, leave without your capers. Bingo!

As the days progress and you feel more and more comfortable leaving old condiments and rotting containers of unused chutney in your office refrigerator, bring as many as five items with you and watch as your home refrigerator grows gradually spacious and welcoming!

Happy Holidays!

(P.S. If you work for the FSRI, please disregard this "tip". Any employee caught depositing expired food containers in any FSRI break room fridge will be formally reprimanded.)

HALLOWEEN IS OVER - RETURN TO WORK

2010-10-31T23:22:00.000-07:00

A reminder: The offices of the FSRI will reopen as of 4:39 a.m. Monday and return to normal operating hours. The time given to employees on Friday for early release (22 minutes for rank and file - 26 minutes for executive officers) will be subtracted from subsequent scheduled remittances. Also, all FSRI employees are encouraged to come in early Monday morning (15 minutes) to restore their desks and cubicles to pre-Halloween presentation. Employees will not be compensated for this time.

Thank you,

FSRI Board of Directors

[The above information does not apply for those FSRI employees in our Namibia, Dubai, Singapore or Tibetan offices.]

KWA's TIP OF THE DAY #2 - LENDING MONEY TO YOUR BOSS

2010-10-27T00:04:00.000-07:00

It happens all the time. You're sitting around, minding your own business and getting the stuff done at your office that you've been hired to get done. Then, out of the corner of your eye you see your boss approach your cubicle. A sinking feeling takes hold. You know exactly what he's going to do: ask if he can borrow some money.

This kind of thing can go on forever. You never get paid back, you're hemorrhaging income and your stress level is through the roof, unless, that is, you put a stop to it. Here's what you should do:

-The next time your boss approaches you for money ask him how much he wants and then hand him the exact amount in small coinage (pennies, nickels and dimes.) YES, SMALL COIN CHANGE! When you hand over $50 in small coin in an old apple cider jug, your boss isn't going to know what to do. First off, he has to stand through the painful process of watching you count out the amount. Second, he's going to take a shameful walk down down the hall with a jug of change in his arms ..attracting all sorts of attention. Third, he's going to have to figure out if he has time to run to a bank to get it counted ..or to run to a supermarket Coinstar machine. What a hassle! He'll think twice before asking you for money the next time. Sure, your boss will probably turn to someone else to victimize, but at least your bank account isn't taking a hit. And your high stress level? ..A thing of the past!

KWA

Karl W. Ager's TIP OF THE DAY

2010-10-24T13:12:00.000-07:00

Hello, all! Sundays can be pleasant days, but sometimes they can be a struggle. Anxieties about going in to work on Monday can cloud out what should otherwise be a sunny experience. Here's a tip to help you get by on this Sunday or any Sunday, for that matter..!

-Start right now by serving yourself up a dram of single malt Scotch whiskey. Any brand over 20 years old will do.. Then pack your pipe with a rich pinch of cavendish tobacco. The English Dunhill is the brand suggested here. Now sit back and enjoy as much Scotch and smoking as you care to and take it easy and let Sunday pass by as any day should! When Monday morning rolls around, simply inform your office that you are taking a sick day. Voila! Your Monday problem has vanished.

K.W.A

FSRI Poised to Buyout Southwest Airlines

2010-09-29T23:36:00.000-07:00

Austin, TX. - In a surprising and unconfirmed move today, the FSRI (Faking Smart! Research Institute) announced that is has made an offer to the board of directors of Southwest Airlines today to purchase the floundering airline.

"We don't know anything about it," said Southwest Airline baggage handler, Toby Carmichael, during a cigarette break outside the baggage claim terminal. "If that happens, well, I don't know what I'll do. I guess I'll just have to see what goes down."

The FSRI has been threatening to buy a large stake in a major airline now for some years. According to executives familiar with the process, however, plans have, until now, been scuttled due to a lost suitcase on a 2008 US Air flight from New Jersey to Phoenix carrying vital FSRI corporate take-over documents. Even though US Air officials state that they are still tracking down the lost baggage, the FSRI has decided to continue with its plans to take over a corporation.

How about Sushi for lunch?

2010-09-13T23:55:00.000-07:00

Sam, one of our VPs in Sales and Marketing, came by with this treat for himself yesterday. He called it Sushi. Apparently, there's a shop just around the corner from our world headquarters that sells this stuff. We asked Sam how it tastes and this was his answer:

"Please don't bother me. I lost two accounts today."

Thanks, Sam. Enjoy!

Eating Lunch at Work? - A Few Ideas

2010-09-02T00:18:00.000-07:00

During one of our monthly blog post meetings, a co-VP, from one of our FSRI Consumer Foods Divisions, came up with a great, light-hearted way of showing what one-another eats here for lunch at the FSRI. This was in the summer of 2007! As luck would have it, the idea was awarded final approval yesterday. Here's our introductory post:

Hey, ever been hungry for this? It's miso, a Japanese soy-based soup with seaweed, tofu and green onion. Tom from the FSRI Indonesian Marketing Division says this of his daily bowl of miso:

"I don't eat it daily. When I do eat it, it's fine."

bon appetit, Tom!

And the Winner is... Pilot Precise Grip Pen!

2010-08-24T01:02:00.000-07:00

Congratulations Pilot for making a pen office workers can count on. Why was Pilot rated the best over Pentel ...take a look for yourself and see what our FSRI Testing Division discovered:

Advantages Pilot had over Pentel:
1. You can see how much ink is left through a slender window on the side.
2. It had a nice, rubbery (sticky) finger grip surface.
3. It's simple styling was minimalist and functional.
4. The pen was evenly silver in color.
5. It produced a fine line of ink suitable for nearly any office need.

Where the Pentel pen fell short:
1. It's cap had tacky heating vents, as if it needed to cool down after use.
2. "Metal Tip", "Liquid Gel Ink", "ENERGEL", "0.7 mm ball", "RECYCOLOGY", "Recap after use" ...and to top it all off, the pen even had a bar code at the base. Come on, Pentel! Really?
3. Its rubber finger grip felt like the slimy touch of carp skin.
4. Do you really need to boast about your 0.7 mm ball? I was certain the 0.8 mm ball was at the edge of pen technology.
5. The plastic casting produced an unattractive, mottled color to the cap. The silver of the body of the pen was slightly (though surprisingly) different than that of the cap ...as if they were manufactured at different plants. Now that's unprofessional.

So there you have it. With this knowledge, go forth and achieve vast happiness and success. Just don't bring a Pentel Energel along with you or ruin and despair is sure to plague you.

KWA

Decateur's Weekly Business Roundup

2010-08-20T02:16:00.000-07:00

Ok, man, it's been a while. Whatever...

For all those out there, the numbers have been pretty grim as of late. I think the stock market has been down, and I'm pretty sure that consumer spending has been lack-luster as well. What does this mean? Well, it depends on how you look at it. If stocks are down, try your luck in the bond market. If consumer spending is no better than it was six months ago - well, if you're savvy, make the transition to long-term growth! Guys ...this has '80s written all over it.

What is always disappointing is when people come up to me and say: "Decateur, are we ever going to get out of this lending haze?" Or... "Decateur, are you ever going to mow my lawn?"

To them I say: "Just relax. I'll get to it when I get to it. It's been way hot and my mower is still all caked up with Mrs. Pelkey's grass from two weeks ago." Also, I've got plenty of other problems. Somebody went in and cornered the iron ore market in WOW and I can't find any good smelting opportunities for my pay-dirt steel. And where is Twigglymcgee!? (You know who you are...)

I heard Cory Doctorow has a new book out - For the Win - about mining in online gaming. If I get any time to read (...which is highly improbably, due to all the time I spend writing my weekly business roundups for the FSRI), I think I might download his book to my mom's new Kindle. 'Course, I'll have to ask her if I can borrow it. But whatever...

For the Hoard.
Decateur

And the Winner of our First Annual Pen-Off is...

2010-08-18T00:23:00.000-07:00

...as of yet, undecided. Our FSRI Pen-Testing division was in deadlock as of this afternoon, so KWA has offered to be the deciding vote. He will announce his decision after his return from a fund-raising lunch in Seattle this week.

word-out
FSRI Pen-Testing Division

Pilot Pen? - It Proves a Point!

2010-08-12T01:00:00.000-07:00

When our FSRI pen-testing division was put to the task of testing the new Pilot Precise Grip pen, we were eager to see what they discovered. Our division took 350 executive employees and assigned each a Pilot pen. They were then instructed, individually, to go out into the real world and in the space of three days to sign as many documents as they possibly could. Here's what they found:

The Pilot Precise Grip, while not as "beefy" as its Pentel counterpart, was more than adequate for the task it was presented with. On average, each staff employee taking part in the study found that they could sign up to as many as 124 documents in a day. That makes, on average, 372 documents signed in the space of three days. Wow, guys, nice work! According to the participants, the Pilot Pen glided over the "Sign and Date" portion of the contract or confession, "...like tracing your name in thin air."

Our final evaluation: the Pilot Precise Grip should be proud at what it's accomplished. It proved to be a great, light-weight partner to anybody interested in putting his or her name down in ink. The only problem we did find with this pen was that putting a signature down on any document that finds its way in front of you may not be the best policy to go by.

After completing this study, the FSRI was flooded with a litany of legal issues that will take no less than 20 years to untangle. Out of the appoximately 140,000 signatures signed during our study, 3,679 of those were confessions to murder in the 2nd degree. 1,479 confessions were signed on murder in the 1st degree. 102,073 signatures were signed agreeing to auto loans or leases on foreign sports cars and 13,899 signatures went towards applying for active duty in the U.S. Armed Services. The remainder of the signatures went towards petitions to repeal city public urination ordinances.

BE CAREFUL WHEN SIGNING YOUR NAME ON A DOCUMENT!

Our mark - 4 STARS

Pentel? ...Not so Bad!

2010-07-26T01:59:00.000-07:00

This pen was robust and solid. Our FSRI pen-testing division used one pen to write 4532 "old school" hand-written termination letters and found it more than adequate in "getting the point across."

Of course, a hand-written termination letter is always a surprise in this day and age, ...especially when hand-delivered! That's why our professional teams were surprised to find that this pen serve two utilitarian functions: while being a reliable writing pen, the implement also served well as a defensive weapon when the termination notice was delivered.

Thanks Pentel for making your point with hardened steel!

Our mark - 4 STARS

Pentel vs. Pilot in our FSRI First Annual Pen-Off Competition!

2010-07-22T23:26:00.000-07:00

Want to see which pen holds its own during a merciless corporate testing crucible? Tune into our next post to find out which brand gets a thumbs up from our scientists and pen-writing experts!

Have a Great Wednesday! And don't forget to leave a fingerprint...!

2010-07-14T03:00:00.000-07:00

From everyone here at the FSRI, we wish you a happy and productive Wednesday. If you can get away from your desk for a moment, come up and say "hi" to Betty in room 59473. She's the one that runs criminal background checks on all employees, and she'll be glad to take your fingerprint for FSRI internal security purposes.

Also, everyone on the 34th floor, the plumbing department has asked that you refrain from using the toilets due to inexplicable flooding issues. Use the restrooms on the 47th or 13th floors.

Thank you - Building Management.

Decateur's Weekly Business Roundup

2010-07-09T11:50:00.000-07:00

Hey, what's up? Whatever...

So, it's the middle of the summer and even though most of you are off on vacation and doing whatever it is people do in tents and that kind of thing, I thought I'd do a quick post on what you should be thinking about when you're out there climbing mountains or waterskiing.

GULF OIL SPILL: If you haven't heard, there's a huge spill out in the gulf right now and it ain't gettin' any better. How will this affect your bottom line? Don't worry, I've been watching the price of baby oil at the grocery store and it's remained the same throughout this entire disaster. BOTTOM LINE - overhype.

WORLD CUP SOCCER: Or football, or whatever it is the Estonians call it. Spain plays Holland this Sunday. If you don't want to be seen as clueless at work on Monday, watch this game. Also, if you can, while watching the game, try to pick up a bit on the rules and strategies. That way you might actually be able to carry on a conversation about it when the subject comes up in the company break room. Oh, yeah, and if you haven't placed a bet yet, I'm picking Spain in a blowout over the Dutch, 35 to 7.

ECONOMIC RECOVERY: This is the biggest load of bologna I've heard. Everyone's talking about a crisis, but I don't see it. Why, you might be asking yourself? Well, first of all, it's been real rainy here for the last month -- a totally wet and soggy beginning to the summer. "So, what?" Well, when it rains grass grows right? "Right." And when grass grows people need there lawns mowed right? "Right." And when people, especially Mrs. Miller, need their lawns mowed I offer to mow their lawns for a fee and consequently can pay my mom rent for my basement apartment and the monthly World of Warcraft membership right? "RIGHT!" So this big deal everyone is making about the economy is, as far as I'm concerned, malarky.

For the Hoard,
Decateur-out

The FSIHL and You - "Where it Doesn't Take a Einstein to Look Smart!"

2010-06-10T00:49:00.000-07:00

Greetings from the FSIHL (Faking Smart! Institute for Higher Learning)!

Did you know that the FSIHL offers fully accredited three-week Bachelor's degrees in Faking Smart!? Not many people know that. Did you also know that the FSIHL offers fully accredited one-week Master's Degrees in Faking Smart!?

When applying for schools this next month remember that the FSIHL is one of the only institutes in the country to offer courses fully approved by the FSRI and acclaimed founder and maverick educator, Karl Wolfbrooks Ager.

Memorial Day is Over - Return to Work

2010-06-07T18:41:00.000-07:00

This is a reminder to all FSRI employees: Memorial day was over after Monday, the 31st of May, concluded and then became Tuesday the 1st of June.

YOU MUST NOW RETURN TO WORK AND RESUME YOUR JOB RESPONSIBILITIES

FSRI Security will be on the FSRI grounds to escort you to your division offices and cubicles. Any other questions regarding the Memorial Day holiday should be directed to the HR department.

Thank you,

The FSRI

Monday is Memorial Day - Extended Weekend

2010-05-29T23:51:00.000-07:00

A reminder to all FSRI employees:

The FSRI offices will be closed on Monday the 31st of May, in observance of Memorial Day. All doors will be locked and security guards will be patrolling the area. Any employee attempting to go to work on Monday, the 31st of May, will face disciplinary action resulting in mandatory furlough or termination.

Have a great weekend!
(The FSRI Enforcement and Security Division)

The Power of Information

2010-05-29T00:19:00.000-07:00

You're all set to give that presentation to the big wigs today. Your latte is steaming in its cup and the mist of freshly teflon-treated carpet creates a tingling sensation in your hands and feet. As you step up to the front of the room, laptop flipped open and ready to project your power-point extravaganza, you realize that, even after all your preparation, you forgot one thing: INFORMATION!

If you're like millions of other corporate workers, you've found yourself in this scary scenario. You've done so much preparation to pull off the great presentation, but you forgot to include one important thing: ...the information needed to substantiate your argument. But don't worry, here's a few good tips to remember before making that embarrassing discovery in front of the people who are responsible for making or breaking your future.

1. Do the math. It doesn't really matter what kind of math you do, just do some math and write it out on your power point display and watch your audience's eyes grow wide with awe. Whether or not your "math" has anything to do with the topic of your talk makes no difference. Just throw up a few equations and mention how "surprised" you were when you saw this. If you can, find an old college calculus book and just pick a few equations out of it. If someone calls you out on your math - someone who might know about math or calculous - just dismiss your equation and say that it's nonsense. Even showing dout in your math will help you to win over adherents.

2. Plot a historic timeline. No matter what anyone tells you, timelines work wonders in making broader points and instilling a sense in others that you understand the dynamics of your field of work. What topic are you discussing today? Make a timeline of the development of other like-minded topics. Heck, if it comes down to it, just plot a timeline of your company's history. When you're done going over it, ask your audience if there's anything you left out? It can't hurt!

3. Talk about emergent technologies. Whatever company you work for, chances are it's already behind in the technology curve. This is inevitable. As soon as a company incorporates itself, it already has formed its paradigms of operation and will quickly fall behind the future demands of a changing technological landscape. Anticipating future technologies will elevate your presentation from the static and historical to the futuristic and implausible. Be creative in anticipating where you company will be 2000 years from now!

4. Collect data and present it. Data, no matter where it's collected or in what manifestation, will form the core of your presentation. To pull off an expert presentation, you need data (information) and lots of it! So pull in whatever data you can find and display it in whatever way you can. Do you have an old graph you've been meaning to use? Throw it out there and see if it sticks! Do you have a flowchart your friend gave you a few years back? Remove all the content and then screen it - then see what your audience comes up with when filling it out on their own! Data is critical to forming a good presentation, so whatever you do, when the chips are down, throw some data out there and hit 'em where it counts!

Good luck!

KWA

FSRI-Global Delays Mission Statement Announcement

2010-05-22T21:03:00.000-07:00

Dickinson, N.D. - This weekend FSRI-Global stunned analysts when they announced that they will delay revealing their mission statement until further research is concluded by the FSRI Mission Statement wing. The fax announcing their statement came through at a small office of a Super 8 Motel in Dickinson, ND at 7 p.m. Saturday evening.

"I was just sitting here surfing the Internet looking for some info on tomato starters for my wife when this fax came through," says 2nd shift attendant Kyle Clauson. "I didn't even know our fax machine worked any more, so I just threw the sheet of paper away and didn't think anything of it."

The fax was rescued from a Super 8 Motel trash can by an alert maid and promptly handed over to press authorities. At the time of the writing of this article the FSRI was unavailable for comment.

FSRI-Global made news recently when it announced it had constructed a new headquarters for its international operations. The FSRI is a privately held company.

Decateur Reviews the iPad

2010-05-13T22:20:00.000-07:00

Hey, what's up? Whatever...

So, I just got my new iPad after waiting weeks for it to arrive via surface shipping from the Apple store and KWA asked me to write up a review for the blog. Go figure...

So, in my opinion, the iPad is a really great thing. It does so much stuff that it's hard to talk about it all. But I guess I'll try anyway.

The iPad has all the basics. It's like a computer that you can carry around with you! It can do emails and web-surfing. You can even play games on it. It's really, really cool...! One thing I like about the iPad is that it's not very heavy. It's about as heavy as a toaster ...or a small lamp, maybe. It's also cool because you don't have to fold it up like you do with a laptop. You just set it on the table and leave it there. The only problem I've found with the iPad is that if you leave it on the floor you might forget about it and step on it.

Anyway, so I don't really own and iPad, but if I did this would probably be what I would say about it. If you really want to know about the iPad, probably the best thing to do is to ask somebody who bought one to see what he or she thinks of it. That's your best bet, in my opinion.

So, please don't write in and ask me what I think about the iPad. I just don't know enough about it to tell you. I'm sorry, but that's just how it is right now. When I can afford one, then maybe I'll go out and buy one and give all my fans out there a good review of it. But until then, right now I got other things to deal with. I still got to come up with this month's rent, and my mom's starting to put a lot of pressure on me. She thinks I'm "surfing too much on the internets." And I'm like, Mom, you don't even know what "the internet's" are! She's draining my mana.

Later,

Decateur

What to Do When Someone is Bothering You at Work...

2010-05-11T23:59:00.000-07:00

You're all set to start your day at the office. You've got your latte in your hand and the last couple of morning yawns escape from your mouth as you step up to your cubicle to start your day and - ZAP - it happens.

Out of the corner of your eye you spot somebody that bothers you. You've forgotten all about it, but you quickly remember that this co-worker has really been bothering you lately. It's just going to be another long day at work, you start to think to yourself. If only this person would quit bothering me, I might be able to get something done!

How many times have you encountered this situation before starting your day? If you're like billions upon billions of other people around the globe, you're not alone. Try the following "sure-fire" tactics to put an end to your problem so you can get on with your day and your career and not feel bothered while doing it!

1. Pretend this person doesn't exist: If this person approaches you, look right through him or her as if that person were merely a cloud of air. If another coworker brings up this person's name shake your head and act like you don't understand? Who, you may ask, are they talking about? Research has shown that if you deny somebody's existence, that person will cease to exist! Now, if the person that bothers you is your boss, you might run into trouble when using this tactic.

2. Scream when that person comes near you: It's true, people don't like to be screamed at. If the person who bothers you approaches you to talk or ask a question, scream at the top of your lungs! Do this whenever this person comes near you. Then start doing it whenever this person is in the same room. Soon this person will understand that whenever he or she is near you a large scream is sure to follow. Before you know it this person will never bother you again!

3. Hide whenever you see the person that is bothering you: If ignoring or screaming don't indicate that you are being bothered, try hiding whenever the person that is bothering you comes near. The more you hide, the better you start to learn about the layout of your office. Once you start to know the habits of the person who is bothering you, you can usually be sure to find a place to hide where that person is least likely to be!

4. Tell your boss to fire the person who is bothering you: If your boss doesn't understand the logic behind your request, then ask your boss to transfer or "move" the person bothering you to another location in the company.

5. Tell all your coworkers that aren't bothering you to tell the coworker that is bothering you not to bother you any more: If the person bothering you doesn't get the clue, then, chances are this person will continue to bother you and you should get used to it. Sooner or later, this person will die; and so will you. At that point you won't be bothered by this person any more.

6. Shoot invisible quantum rays at the person: Close your eyes and concentrate. When your level of focus has reached its peak, shoot a series of disruptive quantum rays at the person who is bothering you. If the rays don't disrupt the person, you can feel good anyway because you shot a good dose of quantum rays into this person's head!

7. Find out what the person's name is and call that person by a

different name.

8. When the person who bothers you approaches to talk, snort like a pig or bulldog whenever a point is made. Nod frequently and snort. Offer this person a sip from your latte. Poke your finger in this persons ear when they are trying to be serious.

9. When the person bothering you is standing close to you, shake and shiver like you're standing in 20 below cold weather. Do this all the time whenever this person is near you. Also, try laughing out loud whenever you shake and shiver.

10. When the person who is bothering you is hard to find, start looking around the office for this person. If he or she is trying to hide from you, you can be fairly certain that that person won't be bothering you anymore.

Decateur's Weekly Business Roundup

2010-04-29T22:49:00.000-07:00

Hey, whats up? Whatever...

Hey, ah, the FSRI told me today that a lot was going on in the world when it came to business this week, and that they wanted a new Business Roundup to cap the the blog for Friday. I told them I wasn't interested, and then they told me that I had to because they pay me to do this. Whatever...

So, first off you've got the senate hearings on finance reform that happened earlier this week. If you ask me, it's basically a lot of blowhards trying to strut their stuff. Basically, this hearing was all about Goldman Sachs being in the hot seat for gambling investors money on speculative products. At least that's what my friend Pete says. He used to have a series seven annuity license until he was fired for stalking one of the banks clients. LOL. What a idiot!

Anyway, so you've got the Greek thing going on and the oil spill in the Gulf. Man, this all sucks. My mom was planning a trip to Santorini this summer, but she's wondering if she should do it now. THIS IS A CATASTROPHE OF EPIC PROPORTIONS! See, I was counting on having the house to myself for 10 days, and now that plan may be a complete waste. She has cable upstairs, dude, and I need a break...!

So, good luck with all your business stuff. I gotta take off and see what I can get for Titansteel at the WOW auction house. Hopefully is around 130gs.

Later,

Decateur

FSRI-Global Set to Unveil Mission Statement in AM Press Conference

2010-04-24T00:48:00.000-07:00

Albany, NY - FSRI-Global is poised to announce its new mission statement to onlookers at an a.m. press briefing next week in New York State's capital. Since forming its new subsidiary, the FSRI (Faking Smart! Research Institute) has been closely watched by industry specialists to determine just what impact this new branch of the FSRI will have on target markets.

"It's a dice roll, if you ask me," says insider analyst Colby Tidbitter. "FSRI-Global first has to show us a balance sheet and then show us results. Otherwise, this might be just one more propaganda stunt we sometimes see from the FSRI."

"I think this is significant," says "Pints and Counter-Points" editor Malcomb Fisher. "When the FSRI dips its feet into new waters, you have to grab a towel, stand up and take notice?"

At the time of this article the FSRI was unavailable for comment.

FSRI-Global Opens New Office in Spiral-like Building in Downtown Seattle

2010-04-19T00:46:00.000-07:00

We're all happy here at the FSRI to announce our newest office building in the Pacific Northwest. Come to our "meet and greet" cookout next Thursday if you can, and feel free to bring a friend!

This new office will serve, mostly, as a logistics hub for FSRI-Global, a new FSRI division handling local, regional, state, national, and global information.

Wednesday is National Professional Assistant's Day

2010-04-17T22:39:00.000-07:00

Hey, everybody. Haven't been posting for a while, but, whatever...

So, KWA wanted me to remind everyone that there's a national holiday coming up next week. For any and all who have national professional assistant, Wednesday is the day you should recognize that person.

Now, at present, I, personally, don't have an assistant. But that doesn't mean that I'm not important! Not at all. Actually, I'm pretty important when it comes to a lot of stuff, but I just don't want an assistant coming around and messing up my desk and all that. I got enough to worry about.

So, I guess that is it. I gotta get back to my raiding party on World of Warcraft right now. Some serious s&*t is going down, and I gotta have enough mana potions to get through this raid.

OUT

Lin Yu Chun Wins FSRI Talent Search!

2010-04-08T00:06:00.000-07:00

We are proud to announce the FSRI winner in our annual Faking Smart! Universal Talent Search!

The winner is: Lin Yu Chun, of Taiwan. After his performance on Tainwan TV last night, our panel was left speechless. No other contestant came close to Lin's performance.

Congratulations Lin! You've won our hearts, now just show up at our April Class FSIHL commencement ceremony (per your contract) and all is good! BTW ...WE LOVE YOUR HAIRCUT!

Welcome Back Tiger!

2010-03-24T00:23:00.001-07:00

If there's a competitor out there who represents corporate determination, instinct and the ability to seal the deal, it's Tiger Woods. We here at the FSRI wish him well and that all that other stuff (that crazy stuff that no one should worry themselves about) is quickly forgotten. In the meantime, we will continue to court his good name for a right to sponsor his appearance at the next Master's Tournament. Yes, it's true, the FSRI is in near-final talks with representatives on closing a deal that would bring the FSRI, the FSIHL and all our affiliate to world attention during this, our greatest of golfing events.

Go get 'em Tiger!

KWA

FSRI APOLOGIZES FOR BLOG POST

2010-02-23T22:46:00.000-08:00

Philadelphia--In a move that surprised internet blogging fans, the FSRI (Faking Smart! Research Institute) announced late today that its blog division published a blog post last week that might have caused some consternation. What appeared to be a blog post composed entirely of one run-on sentence was, in fact, a post inadvertently released by the division's new, yet unapproved, automated blog post generator.

"To put it simply, this took us all by surprise." said Carrol Owens, VP of Blogging and Publicity. "No one in the blogging division was impressed by the trial phase of the post generator. Why this last post got out is a question we have solve through normal investigative channels."

When asked if a mistake like this was likely to happen again, Ms. Owens was confident that it wouldn't. "We've powered down the post generator, " she said. "Two VPs from the blogging research lab have been put on administrative leave. The likelihood of this re-occuring is about the same as a health care bill passing congress this year, " she laughed.

The FSRI is one of the most famous institutes of modern business studies in the world. The FSRI recently opened a new office in Ankara, Turkey.

Please Read This Important Information:

2010-02-19T22:35:00.000-08:00

no matter what you do for your company the outcome of your work boils down to how well you process information understanding your role as a processor of information will help give you a keener understanding of your own specific work responsibilities while allowing you to see how information in a broader sense influences the failure or success of your company your primary objective as an employee is to take in information filter it apply it and then finally analyze and evaluate it whether or not you are the president of the company a member of the marketing team or operations team or working the night shift in customer service each of these people has the equal task of being presented with information and acting upon it EXAMPLE say a frustrated and angry customer calls in to complain about a certain feature your software company we’ll call your company a software company in this example provides in one of its applications with good training and good instincts the customer service agent will quickly categorize this complaint in a number of ways is it a user end hardware problem a user-end operations system problem a poor description of the feature in the applications literature or is it a flaw in the software design his is the phase of taking in and filtering information after diffusing the caller’s exasperation the agent recalls a similar scenario documented a week earlier involving a different client the case was nearly identical to the current case and after going over past notes the agent is able to quickly resolve the customer’s complaint and close the case with a happy and satisfied clienst is this agent’s work completed now two scenarios where customers have expressed dissatisfaction about inadequate feature descriptions in the software literature the agent sees a pattern developing and out of diligence reports this deficiency to the supervisor his is the analyzing phase of the information path and it serves the company in the agent’s perspective to stave off further complaints and to generate better customer service now someone else has information to take in filter apply analyze and evaluate the supervisor with good judgement and good training now has to filter this information and decide what course of action to take can the agent now consider his or her work on this case finished did notifying the supervisor of the pattern of disgruntled clients produce any significant result this is the evaluative phase of that source of information a good agent may with a comprehensive understanding of the company’s communicative pipeline wait to see what the results of his or her report produced are there an increasing number of callers sounding out the same concerns another report to the supervisor …and still no modification to the literature or online update at this point the frustration level of the agent might be forgiven and a couple of outcomes may result first the agent a quality employee may grow increasingly indifferent to acting on important information and eventually seek employment where his or her services receive greater respect second the employee grows indifferent to discovering and identifying critical developing issues with products and becomes a ZOMBIE employee the employee is there out with no heart in the game or third the employee may find other ways to circumvent the supervisor’s inability to influence the necessary changes there may be an internet forum where some of these problems can be addressed or the agent may have a friend in another company department where concerns about poor literature can be vented and acted upon what we will never understand in the above scenario (looking at it from the agent’s perspective) is what the supervisor was experiencing in other words are other more pressing problems occupying the supervisor’s list of things to get done regarding the software that the agent is unaware of or is the supervisor running into a brick wall—getting nowhere—as he or she tries to relay to the product development team the importance of the agent’s advice it’s hard to tell but the third option for the agent—going through an internet forum or talking to someone outside of customer service—seems like one of the best ways to constructively approach the problem so there you have it follows then that information equals power—when applied good information i.e. filtered information once accurately analyzed and evaluated gives the power to inform decision making and informed decisions determine whether a company is able to sink or swim in the precarious and ever shifting landscape of the marketplace

We hope you understand what was said in the above text...

KWA