Washington - Unsubstantiated reports give clear indication that the FSRI (Faking Smart! Research Institute) is in the middle of bailout talks with Ben Bernanke and the Federal Reserve System. Sources indicate that this may be one of the biggest bailouts in U.S. history, marking an unprecedented move by an institute that has no apparent connection with the banking industry nor any knowledge of what the banking industry does, let alone the Federal Reserve System.
"It's a bold move," says financial expert Decateur Thoms. "When I saw that this was really going down I didn't know what to make of it. I mean ...it's the Federal Reserve and all that. Whatever..." When pressed further Thoms offered nothing to help clarify the dire circumstances. "Hey, I'm just trying to get by. Fall's coming and my lawn-mowing business is about to dry up. And my mom's starting to hound me about paying rent for my basement apartment."
If true, the FSRI will take control of The Fed in one of the nation's most turbulent economic times. With congress poised to strike a deal with the Bush administration and Treasury Secretary Henry M. Paulson Jr. over a national banking system in turmoil, the bid by the FSRI may only serve to complicate matters. "This only adds to the headache," complained Eric Samson, former aide to the unofficial aide of Senator Chris Dodd, D-Connecticut. "With the FSRI parachuting into this problem it might stir things up. Senators are under a lot of stress right now ...why make it more difficult than it already is? Then again, the name and recognition of the FSRI may lend weight to the process and help to calm investor and depositor concerns."
Karl Wolfbrooks Ager, founder and head of the FSRI and FSIHL(Faking Smart! Institute for Higher Learning) gave a brief and non-specific response when asked about the FSRI's roll in this pending crisis:"If we're in talks with The Fed, it's news to me. Then again, all options are on the table." Asked if he thought the FSRI could saddle such a massive undertaking, Wolfbrooks Ager exhibited cool confidence:"We've been in talks before and we always come out feeling good about ourselves. Hopefully The Fed will recognize this." Wolfbrooks Ager, indifferent and more interested in the nutmeg dispenser at the local Starbucks where this interview was conducted added one more thing:"I've got my checkbook in my vest pocket. If the Fed want's out, let's start by talking numbers."