Wednesday, September 21, 2011

SPINNER TO HOLD PRESS CONFERENCE



WINDHOEK, NAMIBIA - Tom Spinner Jr., FSRI executive and challenger to Harry Jankowskowitz's leadership position, has announced that he will be giving a press conference within the next two days.  No other information was given.  At the time of this brief, no one at Spinner's office was available for comment.


It is widely believed that Spinner has been making a move to replace Jankowskowitz as head of the FSRI, but Jankowskowitz's office had denied this claim.





Saturday, September 17, 2011

SPINNER AND JANKOWSKOWITZ CLASH


QUEBEC CITY, QUEBEC - Two top FSRI officials clashed on Friday in what appears to be a struggle for leadership of the organization.  Sources say that Tom Spinner Jr., former CEO of Widget Techonolgies Inc., confronted Jankowskowitz during a late board meeting yesterday arguing, more or less, that Jankowskowitz leadership style would soon sink the FSRI and that he should abdicate.


When Jankowskowitz's office was contacted for comment, none was forthcoming.


The FSRI has been in trouble as of late due to Karl Wolfbrooks Ager's departure as chief.   The power struggle for control of the FSRI has sent investors scurrying and has further destabilized a fragile Euro.


Sunday, September 11, 2011

JANKOWSKOWITZ FIRES SENIOR STAFF



DURBAN, SOUTH AFRICA - The FSRI has just announced that Harry Jankowskowitz, acting CEO of the FSRI during Ager's sabbatical, has released all senior staff effective immediately.  No reason was giving for these terminations other than a short announcement given by the Department of Media Relations stating that "necessary changes were in order."

This shake-up at the FSRI took many by surprise and shareholders have been vocal with their concerns over the changes taking place while K. W. Ager, CEO and founder of the FSRI, makes a short trip to the future.  "We're going to wait and see what is going on and then make adjustments on an as needed basis," says investment analyst Clive Shorter.  "We would all like to see Ager wrap up his trip and come back to the current time.  Until then, we'll just have to hope for the best."

Many eyebrows were raised when Ager appointed of Harry Jankowskowitz to run the FSRI while it's founder was away.  Consensus regards his resume as woefully lean, with no experience at running a company the size of the FSRI.  Jankowskowitz is said to be a firm adherent to most of Ager's business theories, but it remains to be seen whether or not his actions can match his reputation.



Saturday, September 3, 2011

JANKOWSKOWITZ TO MAKE ANNOUNCEMENT


UPPSALA, SWEDEN - Harry Jankowskowitz, Acting CEO of the FSRI, will soon be giving an announcement regarding the FSRI daily operations.  No further information is given at this time.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

JANKOWSKOWITZ SENDS GREETING!



Hello, everyone, I'm here to confirm that I'm now in complete and comprehensive control of the FSRI. As sad as it is to hear of Karl Wolfbrooks Ager's time travel dilemma, I'll assure you that the FSRI is presently in excellent hands (...MINE!)  As the official appointee of Karl Wolfbrooks Ager, I'll do everything in my power to fulfill the ideals Ager worked so hard to achieve.  I hope you'll stand with me as we work through these difficult and challenging times to help the FSRI through to a positive and productive future.



Glad to be onboard,
Harry Jankowskowitz CEO, FSRI







Saturday, August 20, 2011

Decateur's Weekly Business Roundup


Hey, what's up.  How's it been hanging?
Eh, whatever...

I know, I know...  You're frustrated and scared.  Right now the Euro Zone is in fiscal paralysis with Greece, Ireland and Portugal struggling with insolvancy, Asian equities markets are in a tailspin over global economic anxieties and the U.S. unemployment figures indicate that all the talk of recovery was nothing but pie-in-the-sky hogwash.  If this is true and we are approaching a period of extended negative growth (the big "double dip"), there is only one thing to do...  sit back and chill, for gosh sakes!

Sure, there's a lot of things to worry about right now, but let's look at the bigger picture.  At the beginning of summer I was in pretty deep.  My mom was complaining that I hadn't been paying rent on time (which is only partially true) and that she was tired of seeing oil drips on the driveway from my 92' Taurus.  (I needed a new pan gasket, but whatever...)  Yes, money was lean at the time.  It had been a rainy spring and my lawnmower wasn't powerful enough to handle real heavy grass... so I was stuck.  I was depressed and basically shut myself in my room and played World of Warcraft for about two weeks straight.  One morning I came upstairs and noticed that it was pretty good mowing weather.  I made a few calls and bingo!, I was back in the game!

I called the Wilsons, the Everetts, the Boehms and the Allens (my stand-bys), and the next thing you know I'm booked solid for a week.  After a few days I had real money in my pocket and I wasn't about let it go to waste on car repairs and rent.  I got smart!

Using my mom's printer I printed up about 20 flyers and had my neighbor run around the neighborhood rubber-banding them to different door handles.  Elliot is like 13 or 14.  Good kid, but a little dim.  Anyway,  next thing you know I start getting calls - tons of calls! - I get like five more jobs locked in and my worries are basically over.  Recession-smession!  Here's the math for an average yard in our neighborhood:

COSTS:
2 Gallons of gas (average amount to run mower per yard) $7.25
8 oz. oil (1/4 a quart Pennzoil) $.75
Elliot's pay (he bags the grass and cleans the mower blade and air filter @ $2.00/hr) $4.50
TOTAL COSTS: $12.50
FEE CHARGED: $35.00
TOTAL EARNED: $22.50

You don't have to be an Einstein to see where this is going, do you.  Anyway, I'm sitting pretty good right now, regardless.  I almost got my rent paid through August and I started parking my car on the street where it won't drip oil on the driveway.  I guess what I'm saying here, is that with a little hard work anybody can get by, even in this economy.  Sometimes you gotta pull yourself up by your bootstraps, as they say.  It's all about initiative and drive...

Thanks everybody.  My next project, for those who are interested, is starting a gutter cleaning side business.  Elliot's really good at it, and all I have to do it direct him from the ground.  Thing is, he's back in school in September, so I have to see how much we can get done before he starts soccer practice.

Thanks... whatever,
-Decateur


Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Decateur's Weekly Business Roundup to Appear Friday

Lillehammer, Norway - The FSRI has announce that Decateur Thoms will be delivering his weekly business roundup at the end of the current week.  Maybe friday.  Rumors are circulating that Mr. Thoms, chief Business Pundit at the FSRI, will announce some radical analysis of today's business ongoings.

At the time of the writing of this article, neither Decateur nor the FSRI were unavailable for comment.