Ager Set to Make Announcement Thursday Night

Kortrijk, Belgium -- In a surprise move today, Karl Wolfbrooks Ager has announced that he will be making a statement to the world Thursday night.  The subject of the statement is unknown and neither Karl Wolfbrooks Ager nor the FSRI has provided any further details.

The FSRI Hopes You Had a Nice Weekend...

We know that it's nearing the Holiday weekend, but don't get too lazy yet!  (Just joking...)  This is a reminder to be sure all safety precautions are being followed when working with any FSRI heavy equipment and that you are monitoring oxygen levels during any and all FSRI deep mining excavation.


Cheers, and have a nice day!


KWA

STUNNING NEW EVIDENCE SHOWS THAT DOGS CAN COMMUNICATE TELEPATHICALLY WITH HUMAN BEINGS

New research at the FSRI Paranormal Research Division (no affiliation with the University of Florida or its recent research on canine telepathy) has demonstrated that dogs (particularly Jack Russell terriers) are able to communicate with humans via a rudimentary telepathic exchange.  The video included in this post shows indisputable evidence to support this claim.  Watch carefully as you witness the first documented telepathic conversation between man and dog!

KWA

Dig This Gig, a Book Review by Decateur Thoms

Hey, all!  What's up?  Whatever...

So, I've returned from my vacation from the FSRI and I'm kinda jacked to get back to work.  As you know, I was actually placed on "administrative leave" a few weeks ago after publishing an interview that some of the FSRI "higher-ups" didn't think was appropriate.  So to show how pissed off they were they decided that I should take a little break.  So I did.  Now I'm back.  No hard feelings.  Whatever...

The reason I'm back, though, isn't a good one (...for me that is.)  I'm back to do a book review, and as most of you know I don't like book reviews very much because I don't like books.  (It's not that I don't like books... it's more like because I don't like to read, and I don't like to read for several reasons; none of which I'll get into now.)  But for some reason they couldn't find anyone else to do the review, so here I am and I'll give it my best shot.

The book I'm reviewing today is call Dig This Gig: Find Your Dream Job - or Invent It, and it's by an author by the name of Laura Dodd.  I don't know if she's any relation to that guy out in Connecticut who was a congressman, but if she is, I didn't find out through this book.  Anyway, back to the review...

At 250 pages, the book is a nice size.  It's about six inches by nine inches and has a simple blue cover (the color of a robin's egg).  It has a nice weight to it too, and I found it very easy to hold when I was reading it.  (Yes, I read the real book and not the ebook!)  One thing I noticed while flipping through the pages one night before going to bed was how orderly everything looked inside.  It seemed like it was very well written and very well thought out.  Man there were tons of words!  But from what I could tell her points were easy to understand and well argued.

The minuses...  There were a few things that really bothered me about this book, and here they are.  The first, there were hardly any pictures!  Yes, I know what you're saying: How can a book grab your attention if there's nothing to look at but words?  This must have slipped past her editors and hopefully she can put in some more graphs and pictures in the next edition.

Second, Ms. Dodd mentions in her title that you can invent a job... NOW WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THAT?  Sheeeeesh, I can think of a thousand jobs that I'd never invent, and a thousand jobs that I'd never do!  Which brings me to my last point...  why on earth would you write a book about making work for yourself?  In this day and age there are already a million things to do.  Would you actively go out and make more work for yourself?  Especially now when the economy is so bad and there's a ton of people out there looking for work?  It doesn't make sense.  After I write this review I promised my mom that I'd take out the garbage and recycling, clean the gutters after last night's storm, start up the dehumidifier and clean up the dog poop in the back yard.  Uggh!  Laura Dodd, GET OFF MY CASE!!!!

So that's my review of the book.  I hope it helps you figure out if you want to buy it or not.  Whatever...

Decateur T.

FSRI OFFICES CLOSED FOR HOLIDAY WEEKEND

ANNOUNCEMENT FROM FSRI HQ:


All FSRI offices will be closed for the holiday weekend.  Offices will reopen on Tuesday 31 May at 8:00 a.m.

If you are participating in our Six-Week Program and have an emergency to report, please visit the FSRI hotline at www.fakingsmart.com/emergencystuff and click to speak with one of our thousands of our stand-by computer workers.  If you feel that you need to speak to an actual living consumer-relations agent, please try this number: 889-343-1492-5483-232-1


Have a great weekend!

KWA 

(All employees will be require to work overtime next week to account for Monday's recess...)

FSRI Announces Giveaway for Ager's Revolutionary Book

Yes, it's true... we're giving away five copies of Faking Smart! on Goodreads.

Good luck!

KWA

A Loss Proves a Gain...

With Spinoza's departure there was an uncomfortable feeling of quietude in the halls of the FSRI.  No longer was there the scratching at the door when Spinoza needed to be let out.  No longer was there the affectionate snoring in front of the fireplace while I burned the midnight oil trying to put the finishing touches on some groundbreaking article for an FSRI publication.  No longer were there the comforting growls and calls for help when Spinoza latched himself onto Decateur's leg during one of Decateur's rare visits to our headquarters.

Grief seems to be the only description for the emotions I have been experiencing these last days since Spinoza's passing.  But just as I was ready to accept the fact that, from now on, my life would be devoid of love...  enter Bertrand.

Yesterday, after a board meeting of our executive staff, I retired to my office to catch a few winks before proceeding with my quotidian duties.  Just as my eyelids grew heavy I heard a scream for help emanating from the hallway and I was jolted back to consciousness.  When I opened the door to the hall, I discovered Decateur in a violent and losing battle with a small, frenzied Jack Russell terrier.  After prying the tiny jaws loose from Decateur's immobilized leg, Decateur fled and I was left alone in a staring match with this unknowable and wild beast.  My instincts told me to retreat... and as I did, the terrier took it upon himself to follow me.  He came right into my office and sat down at the hearth of my glowing fireplace, right in Spinoza's old spot.

With mouth agape, I could only feel surprise at my situation.  "How peculiar," I said to myself as I lit my pipe and set to pondering.  "I could be wrong, but I think this pup has just found himself a new home?"  With that the terrier dropped to repose and let out a self-satisfied yawn.  It was then that I began the long work of ascertaining his name (for, indeed, he was male...).

I began where I should begin... at the beginning.  "Abercrombie?" I called.  The terrier took no notice.  "Adonis?"  Again, he paid me no heed... and on I went through every name recorded in Western scholarship until, later that night, I struck upon the name of Bertrand, the revered philosopher and intellectual of the 19th and 20th centuries.  When I uttered this venerable monicker the pup leaped to life and approached me, tail awag, in a gesture of friendship and loyalty.  I tossed him a section of a hotdog that I'd been snacking on and he gobbled it up with eagerness and joy.  His belly now slightly less than completely empty, he returned to his corner of hearth where he lowered himself and immediately fell into a comfortable doze.  Alas!, I congratulated myself.  Bertrand it is!

So be it...  when one part of your life closes, another always seems to open.  I had my VP of Domesticated Pets call our local humane society, and it was learned that our new friend Bertrand had been missing from the society for nearly a day, having escaped his cage where his previous owner was forced to leave him due to economic circumstances.  A few pieces of paperwork and all was settled.  Bertrand was a new member of the FSRI family.

Welcome, Bertrand!

KWA