Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Ingersoll/BIAC Rescind War Declaration on FSIHL/FSRI - Hendersen Sent as Emissary!

In a bold move late last week Buckmister J Ingersoll Ph.D., MD, FSIHL-MD retracted his threat of aggression against FSIHL expansion into Mid-Country. Hendersen, Buckmister's top diplomat and amateur import auto-mechanic, was immediately dispatched to begin the process of dialog (...which quickly descended into a lutefisk and akvavit "blowout.") To clear the air the FSRI has decided to go ahead and publish this, until now, top secret letter of d├ętente:

Salutations Mr. Ager,

Dr. Ingersoll IV, PHD MD here. Forgive me as I scratch out a few words on this stenograph-like device they put in front of me. In beginning, let me indulge your curiosity. Despite investing a small fortune in ointments and elixirs over the years, I have never been able to grow a scant of facial hair. As a direct consequence to this fact I have developed a keen “6th sense”, if you will, on how to read a man by how the mustache hangs from his face. You, I have surmised, are someone who is not afraid to take risks in building his Faking Smart! empire from blood sweat and tears. Your goal is nothing less than to tear down the corporate status quo. Veni, vidi, vici! Mr. Ager, you are indeed a shadowly reflection of me in my youthful days. I too once frolicked in the sunlight of guru status, bathed in the shiny silver dollars of corporate profits and suckled from the sweet pipe of luxury. I remember when Mr. Ford said that he would pay his minions $5 dollars a day. Immediately, I dispatched my best man at the time, James A. Biltmore, to infiltrate the company and see what was transpiring first hand. I soon discovered that it was a Marxist ploy worthy of Socrates himself! You, Mr. Ager, are no Mr. Ford! Or are you?

Now, let me tell you a little about the Buckminster J. Ingersoll Institute for the Advancement of Charlatans. It does not surprise me that you have not heard of us. We are a secret society that has no less the goal than to put those members of BIAC into positions of power in and round government, the corporate hierarchy, and medical establishments around the country. All knowledge of BIAC is strictly forbidden and denied at all costs to all outsiders. Our sacred rights include, oriental cricket fighting, bathing in a tub of German ale while humming The Blue Danube, and the swearing of allegiance to the great practitioner of all BIAC laws, my Great-Grandfather, the late Dr. Buckmister J. Ingersoll I PHD MD. By chance, have you ever heard of Tommy Thompson, the president’s chief advisor? Or perhaps you have heard of Joseph McCarthy and his grand-daughter Jenny McCarthy, both prominent senators? These are examples of current or former BIAC members.

Perhaps Mr. Ager, what you mistakenly call “extremism”, is in fact a passion that rivals the early patriots of the founding of this great nation? This passion wells up from the breasts of my forefathers and can not be quelled. BIAC has revealed through the rigors of scientific analytics that the Faking Smart! formula for success in regards to the inadequate “player” in today’s post-modern-fangled-doodad society is in fact our undoing. We have concluded that anyone who absorbs FSIHL wisdom will in turn run the fast track to corporate stardom and eventually, domination within any company. We here at BIAC are threatened by this. It demonstrates the antiquity of our ancient ideology, the lackluster approach to promoting forgeries in the workplace, and the foolishness of our own non-substance prattle.

I have sent my man-servant, Hendersen, to find this document you speak of, for I am bed ridden with gout and a hyperactive lymphatic system. Hendersen is a loyal Norseman with impeccable fortitude, constitution, and earnest guile. He is the one who tracked you to your notorious “Witch’s stew” hideout. Yes, Mr Ager, I know of its location!

Ah! Hendersen brings forth the gift to me as we speak. I will accept this most gracious gift as an olive branch. I will add it to my title. Thank you. I will also reframe from a declaration of war but I must send this ultimatum and set of conditions.

- Any major acquisitions in Mid-country by Faking Smart! must be provided in previous full disclosure to the BIAC proconsul, namely myself, Buckmister J. Ingersoll IV.
- That you hire Hendersen as the De Facto Midwest advisor at FSRI and accept him as one of your own. He will serve you well.
- That you allow Henderson and myself into the Faking Smart! Blogging Department as guest bloggers hence forth.

I am sure this alliance will find our Institutions in a much more beneficial place. I look forward to working with you and I await your response.

Yours truly,
Dr. Buckmister J. Ingersoll IV PHD MD FSIHL-MD


Brent Diggs said...

Don't do it. Get out while you can. Strangers in acronyms cannot be trusted.

Hendersen said...

Goddag, herr Ager! My name is Olvig Hendersen. My father was Hender Olvigsen and his father was Olvig Hendersen. The Dr. Ingersoll has send me to work at Faking Smart! so that I can learn your business. I come from Oslo, Norway and my skill sets are many.

In Norway I am fisherman, nurse aid, bus driver, auto mechanic, lumber man, grounds keeper, massage the rapist, and Euro Disney Viking.

In America I look for work in business with company CEO but I can fix your auto in slow business times. I interact with men and woman in multiple positions. Please allow for Faking Smart! to command me in anyway possible. I can work in Mid-country or Emerald city. Must pay for frequent flying miles on metal bird wings. Also, please provide ludifisk and lefse during lunch breaks.

Takk skal du ha!

Karl Wolfbrooks Ager said...

BrentD: This is a case I would trust only to the authority of Dr. H. Toboggans. And if you see him, please tell him about the $5.50 he borrowed from me to get his mustache trimmed last June.

Hendersen: Goddag, og velkommen til Faking Smart! Please continue to use this secret forum to receive our instructions and dispatches. At the moment we want you to remain in Mid-country. That's were your strengths lie and where the lutefisk and lefse are plentiful. We are officially designating you VP of Mid-Country expansion. That way you can quickly brief Dr. Ingersoll on any FSIHL developments and or setbacks. In the meantime, continue to fish for small mouth bass in Mid-Country until further directed. KWA