Thursday, September 27, 2007

Ager Sends Update from Midwest - Includes Poem!

I'm sure many of you are concerned over my whereabouts, but to reveal my exact location would be a breach of FSRI security policy. Let me just tell you that I'm fine and living and no worse for wear.

Suffice it to say that I'm scouting out a potential new site for an upper Midwest branch of the FSIHL (Faking Smart Institute for Higher Learning). I've found a number of suitable locations, but I think I've narrowed it down to two in Northern Wisconsin. (The FSRI won't allow me to show you where.)

I know that you are probably shocked to hear that I've chosen such a remote location for the new school, but I have my reasons. Leave it at that. Getting the theories of Faking Smart! out to the more remote regions of our country has long been a goal of mine and I'm determined to see this through.

My journey to this part of the country has affected me deeply. One night, as the Great Owl with Horns chirped gleefully from the mangrove trees, this poem spewed from me. I thought I'd share it with, you.


Oh, grand Midwest!
Thou hath fixed upon me!
Thy wholesome hearth!
And filled me with your mellifluous spirits!
And beer!

Oh, solumn Midwest,
I am a strange stranger in your strange land,
Having flown here on wings
Of a giant bird of jet-powered propulsion.

Oh, kind Midwest, I feel thy pulse.
Do your murky - green rivers run through these human veins?
Or am I just dizzy from eating too much Gorgonzola?

Oh, merciful Midwest,
I will remember thee:
Your dancing throngs, hard-rock songs, roads that go on and on,
your mint green lawns, and your people - good people - that said
"Ya, sure, so long!"



Anonymous said...

Damn you Ager!

Dr. Ingersoll IV, PHD MD here. You are a gentleman of much ambition! I suspected this move in grievous anticipation, for I have been monitoring your organization’s activities since its relatively recent inception. You whipper snappers over at FSRI have no business coming to the great Middle World of Wisconsin. We will never yield our status to up-starts such as yourselves. Here in Wisconsin we have a proud heritage going back to 1748 to the founding of our great state of which many respected embellishment institutions of thought reside. These include the Albert Abrams School of Radionics (AASR), the John R. Brinkley Impudent-Impotence Alliance (JBIIA) and my own Buckminster J. Ingersoll Institute for the Advancement of Charlatans (BIAC). We are an old and venerable business going back to when the red men roamed the lands and snake oil fattened the cheeks of enamored wee babes. Today we have our people in the higher echelons of respected Midwest companies like Rayovac, Menards, Kohls department stores, and Madison Sanitation Services (MSS). We were the first organization to put our certified psychic palm readers in the Chicago and Milwaukee Police Departments (CPD and MPD respectively).

If you do decide to open an office of FSIHL here, as you know, we will consider this an act of war. Consider this cheese as all ready taken, this beer half drunk, and this Polish sausage already smoked! We will fight you until my last breath is drawn from my frail failing lungs.

Yours truly,
Dr. Buckminster J. Ingersoll IV, PHD MD

Speedcat Hollydale said...

WOW! - I'll never top that "I loved the song".