Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Dear Mr. Jobs...

Having spoken my word on the iPhenomena in my last post, I did want to come clean and make it known that I am a proud new owner of one of these cute little devices. Every now and then I feel it incumbent upon myself to get out and "blend" with the public and the release of the iPhone offered just the opportunity to make my way down to the local Apple store and to "brush elbows" with other iPhone enthusiasts and to acquire a keepsake of this technological age so thrust upon us.

On Friday I got my things together, leashed Spinoza and set out to discover, first hand, what the all the hubbub was about. I arrived somewhat late, almost 5:00A.M., and found myself, to my surprise, comfortably situated as the fifth person in line. I set up my collapsible deck chair, made sure Spinoza was adequately hydrated and promptly dozed off.

When I awoke it must have been near seven. Having forgotten to eat this morning I inquired whether the young gentleman sitting next to me would be kind enough to fetch me some breakfast--I mentioned that I would reimburse him one dollar for his troubles--and he glared at me and began to raise his middle finger before I excused myself and quickly turned to gaze at a large truck that was maneuvering its way through the parking lot. Having side-stepped this "near" altercation I felt somewhat dizzy and to allay the complaints from my entreating stomach I took out my pipe and lit it. In no less then fifteen minutes, however, I began to mark the increased agitation of a woman sitting next to me. Shortly, thereafter, she began to produce a horrendous cough and finally insisted that I extinguish my pipe! Spinoza sensed my distress and began by producing a fiercesome growl in the direction of this lady of ample carriage. But her calls began to draw others. Soon, to my dismay, what appeared to be an unruly mob was poised to descend upon me and had it not been for the kind intervention by mall security and the local police I think I might have suffered a cruel and painful end. To my satisfaction we were provided with adequate protection--at safe distance from the fray--at the end of the line where Spinoza and I waited several hours before finally reaching the Apple store's sales desk.

To cut a long story short, I returned to the FSRI and delivered my iPhone where the FSRI Cell Phone Department eagerly awaited my find. On Saturday it was sitting on my office desk, completely configured, they noted, and ready for use. I lit my pipe and stared at this strange creation for what seemed like hours. Finally, to my astonishment, it began to "chirp" like a wounded or fearful fowl. This went on for some time before I began to act. I found a bath towel, wrapped the strange invention up in several folds, placed it in a shoebox and set it in the top shelf of a closet where the irritating "chirping" subsided.

My initial compulsion was to call Mr. Jobs straight away and relay my dissatisfaction with his new iPhone, but sounder judgment got the better of me. I'm no Luddite, I thought to myself. Giving Mr. Jobs the benefit of the doubt, this novel iPhone just may prove (sometime down the line) to be something people actually find a use for.


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