Destroying your computer, or "computer euthanasia" as it is sometimes called, is a controversial subject. There are many who are against the practice on ethical grounds, that to take a computer's life is simply immoral. It makes no difference how old and clunky its hard drive sounds, how severe its pixel drop-out is on the display or how bogged-down it is with viruses. To take the life of a computer, they argue, is wrong.
The FSRI believes otherwise. Business is cut-throat these days and to get ahead you have to fake smart, and to successfully fake smart you need the best and latest tools at your disposal. It doesn't matter how much you know about your new, high-powered system ...the fact that you use it says everything. Therefore, you have to "git 'er done" and bring the ax down on your old, limping PC. Her are six ways to put an end to the albatross that is constricting your chances for success in business.
1. Buy a rubber mouse. Place it behind you (when no one is looking), then notice it with a scream and throw your computer on it. Use enough force to break your computer.
2. Bring a bowling ball to work to show your co-workers and boss. When back at your desk or cubical act surprised when somebody speaks to you and drop the ball on your computer.
3. Mix your coffee today with ten times the amount of sugar you normally use. Then "trip" as you approach your desk this morning and empty the full contents of your cup into the vents of your computer. (Be sure to unplug your computer before doing this ...and be careful not to drink the coffee. You may get sick. ...But if you do get sick throw up on your computer.)
4. Eat a chocolate bar ...after it has been sitting on a hot place on your computer or near your desk. Then handle your computer while unwittingly smearing the chocolate all over it. After this, remove your computer with haste and approach the nearest stairwell where you will then throw it down the stairs. If asked about your actions claim that you were bringing it to the bathroom to clean it.
5. Viruses are apparently devastating to a computer system. If you happen to have contracted a severe cold or flu ...DON'T CALL IN SICK AND STAY HOME. Come to work (preferably with a high fever) and cough and sneeze as much as possible on your system.
6. Eat lunch at a Mexican restaurant and bring your leftovers back to work with you. Then take a CD, dip it in your salsa or refried bean dip and place it into the disc drive. If asked why you did this explain where you ate lunch and say that you "just weren't thinking." This may ruin your CD drive, but it may be enough for a complete system replacement.
Remember: it's not your fault if you ruin your computer. A computer is, as described, simply a human tool. And tools are only as good as the user wants to use them. If there are any other ways to destroy a computer while at work please notify the FSRI or comment on this post. We would be glad to hear any new suggestions that haven't been developed in our labs.
Throw it out the window.
It’s important to note that some workers, due to the nature of their business i.e. constant travel or field operations, have these new toughbooks. As a consequence some people will find these types of laptops impervious to conventional methods of euthanasia. Luckily, toughbooks have an “Achilles Heel”, if you will. Go to your local hardware store and purchase an 80 gallon lead-lined vat. Then fill it with a 25% boric acid and 57% hydrochloric acid solution. If you can’t find boric acid, use baking soda or Mentos in its place. Then I would suggest taking the toughbook home over the weekend, explaining to your boss that you have to, “Burn the midnight oil over the weekend”. Once home, the toughbook must be fully immersed for a full 48 hours, at which time you can then drain the solution and rinse the slag left at the bottom, (it’s usually some gold filaments and connectors.) Bring it back to your boss and explain that in your free time you have started a taxidermy business and that the laptop fell into your preserving solution.
It’s also note worthy that this works with conventional laptop and desktop computers. Just cut the immersion time by ½.
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