Friday, January 22, 2010


If you've been grumpy or upset during the last week, don't despair. Today you are officially permitted to be happy.

Yes, it's true. The FSRI has declared that today you can be as happy a day as you like. You can sing and hum while at work. You can do some goofy stuff send some crazy links, like stupid YouTube antics, around on office email. You can even bring a puppy or sphinx lizard to work (...if you have one!)

Today, plain and simple, is to enjoy the fact that you're at work, no matter what "those above you" have to say or think about it. You might have made a couple of friends over the years where you are; or, you might, at times, really get into what you do. In any case, today's the day to remind yourself that, sometimes it's okay. Sometimes things are going all right, and today's the day to recognize that fact.

For anybody still miserable where they work (or for those recently laid off), please regard the above statements as false or misleading.


Friday, January 15, 2010


The economy is still in the doldrums, and your company has been doing everything in its power to remind you of this. Rumors of layoffs still run through the ranks and there is even talk that entire company divisions may be on the "chopping block" in and effort to reign in costs and to re-tool strategy for coming challenges.

And there you sit, smack dab in the middle of all this corporate chaos, wondering if you will be the next victim of this indomitable and indiscriminate steam-roller. Then you get this weird feeling ...that others know something you don't know. There's an overly generous smile sent you in the elevator, or you get this clammy handshake that feels like you've been diagnosed with some rare, but fatal disease. In other words, you know something's up. Your quarterly or bi-monthly review isn't this week, yet you've been called into a special meeting that no one else in your department has been asked to attend. Could it be...? Yes, it is. This is your termination meeting and here's a set of dos and don'ts to follow:

First off: when you discover that your meeting is going to be held, don't start the celebrations too soon. There are many instances where an employee thinks he or she is getting laid off and immediately begins with vacation plans, the organization of parties or shoots off a slew of emails joyfully anticipating the "inevitable" only to discover later that he or she has been awarded a promotion and given a salary increase. Sure, this is hard on the employee, but can you imagine the embarrassment this person must now suffer as he or she backtracks to break the bad news?

Second: When you are sitting down at the table and are told that you are being terminated, don't jump up and start shouting "hurray!" Try to act somewhat mortified. Create an image in your head of something sad, like a falling DOW or your parents funeral. If you act too happy it comes off as impertinent or unprofessional. Keep your emotions under lid until you're out of the office and heading for home. Then you can jump and shout and celebrate all you want.

Third: Don't be effusive with thanks and praise to your employers after they've let you go. Sure, you're life has just changed for the better, but rubbing it in isn't going to get you that potential reference you might need down the line. Never burn a bridge. Yes, this may be the best thing that's happened in your life, but don't remind the people the just fired you that they still have to come into work the next day.

GOOD LUCK! If you're ever laid off from a company, it means that you shouldn't have been there in the first place, and that better and grander things await you in your productive and happy future life away from this place. Perhaps it's time you signed up for a course on Faking Smart!? Who knows just might learn something you never should have learned in the first place!


FSRI Denies Filing for Bankruptcy Protection

SACRAMENTO - The FSRI (Faking Smart! Research Institute), in press release today, denies that it has filed for bankruptcy protection under federal law. Chief Spokesperson and VP of Media Relations, Ella Foster, confirms the statement.

"We want to reassure all of our investors, both domestically and internationally, that the financials of the FSRI are sound and that the rumors of this bankruptcy filing is unfounded," says Foster. "What we are focusing on now is recruiting for our FSIHL class of March, 2010. That's our focus and that's what we want people to be thinking about."

The FSRI has recently been dogged by claims that its subsidiary Alaskan herring fisheries, FSRI - Pickled Products Inc., has been hemorrhaging cash, and that its national franchise of cat training schools, Tabby Tamers Co., has seen many of its facilities close.

"We're struggling in this economy like everyone else," claims Foster. "You have to adapt and adjust. That's what we do at the FSRI. It's part of our mission statement."

An FSRI annual statement is due out in May, 2010.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010


This is amazing. The FSRI has just uncovered this astounding literature about the code of honor among, yes, CORPORATE ZOMBIES!

1. Never eat your boss.

2. Change set of clothes at least once per month.

3. Be silent when leaving phone message. "Uhhhhhhhh!" is unprofessional.

4. Wait til lunch or after work to "taste" or chew on coworkers.

5. Remember: laptops don't work well covered in bile and drool.

6. Avoid speech: it's embarrassing to yourself and those around you.

7. Be discrete with office romance. No one likes PDAs, especially zombie on zombie PDAs.

8. Don't bite. Settle differences on the squash court.

9. At cocktail parties, find a corner, turn towards it and stay.

10. Yes, you're stupid and unhappy. You're a corporate zombie, get used to it!

KWA and the FSRI