Saturday, May 29, 2010

Monday is Memorial Day - Extended Weekend

A reminder to all FSRI employees:

The FSRI offices will be closed on Monday the 31st of May, in observance of Memorial Day.  All doors will be locked and security guards will be patrolling the area.  Any employee attempting to go to work on Monday, the 31st of May, will face disciplinary action resulting in mandatory furlough or termination.

Have a great weekend!
(The FSRI Enforcement and Security Division)

The Power of Information

You're all set to give that presentation to the big wigs today.  Your latte is steaming in its cup and the mist of freshly teflon-treated carpet creates a tingling sensation in your hands and feet.  As you step up to the front of the room, laptop flipped open and ready to project your power-point extravaganza, you realize that, even after all your preparation, you forgot one thing: INFORMATION!

If you're like millions of other corporate workers, you've found yourself in this scary scenario.  You've done so much preparation to pull off the great presentation, but you forgot to include one important thing: ...the information needed to substantiate your argument.  But don't worry, here's a few good tips to remember before making that embarrassing discovery in front of the people who are responsible for making or breaking your future.

1.  Do the math.  It doesn't really matter what kind of math you do, just do some math and write it out on your power point display and watch your audience's eyes grow wide with awe.  Whether or not your "math" has anything to do with the topic of your talk makes no difference.  Just throw up a few equations and mention how "surprised" you were when you saw this.  If you can, find an old college calculus book and just pick a few equations out of it.  If someone calls you out on your math - someone who might know about math or calculous - just dismiss your equation and say that it's nonsense.  Even showing dout in your math will help you to win over adherents.

2.  Plot a historic timeline.  No matter what anyone tells you, timelines work wonders in making broader points and instilling a sense in others that you understand the dynamics of your field of work.  What topic are you discussing today?  Make a timeline of the development of other like-minded topics.  Heck, if it comes down to it, just plot a timeline of your company's history.  When you're done going over it, ask your audience if there's anything you left out?  It can't hurt!

3.  Talk about emergent technologies.  Whatever company you work for, chances are it's already behind in the technology curve.  This is inevitable.  As soon as a company incorporates itself, it already has formed its paradigms of operation and will quickly fall behind the future demands of a changing technological landscape.  Anticipating future technologies will elevate your presentation from the static and historical to the futuristic and implausible.  Be creative in anticipating where you company will be 2000 years from now!

4.  Collect data and present it.  Data, no matter where it's collected or in what manifestation, will form the core of your presentation.  To pull off an expert presentation, you need data (information) and lots of it!  So pull in whatever data you can find and display it in whatever way you can.  Do you have an old graph you've been meaning to use?  Throw it out there and see if it sticks!  Do you have a flowchart your friend gave you a few years back?  Remove all the content and then screen it - then see what your audience comes up with when filling it out on their own!  Data is critical to forming a good presentation, so whatever you do, when the chips are down, throw some data out there and hit 'em where it counts!

Good luck!

Saturday, May 22, 2010

FSRI-Global Delays Mission Statement Announcement

Dickinson, N.D. - This weekend FSRI-Global stunned analysts when they announced that they will delay revealing their mission statement until further research is concluded by the FSRI Mission Statement wing. The fax announcing their statement came through at a small office of a Super 8 Motel in Dickinson, ND at 7 p.m. Saturday evening.

"I was just sitting here surfing the Internet looking for some info on tomato starters for my wife when this fax came through," says 2nd shift attendant Kyle Clauson. "I didn't even know our fax machine worked any more, so I just threw the sheet of paper away and didn't think anything of it."

The fax was rescued from a Super 8 Motel trash can by an alert maid and promptly handed over to press authorities. At the time of the writing of this article the FSRI was unavailable for comment.

FSRI-Global made news recently when it announced it had constructed a new headquarters for its international operations. The FSRI is a privately held company.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Decateur Reviews the iPad

Hey, what's up? Whatever...

So, I just got my new iPad after waiting weeks for it to arrive via surface shipping from the Apple store and KWA asked me to write up a review for the blog. Go figure...

So, in my opinion, the iPad is a really great thing. It does so much stuff that it's hard to talk about it all. But I guess I'll try anyway.

The iPad has all the basics. It's like a computer that you can carry around with you! It can do emails and web-surfing. You can even play games on it. It's really, really cool...! One thing I like about the iPad is that it's not very heavy. It's about as heavy as a toaster ...or a small lamp, maybe. It's also cool because you don't have to fold it up like you do with a laptop. You just set it on the table and leave it there. The only problem I've found with the iPad is that if you leave it on the floor you might forget about it and step on it.

Anyway, so I don't really own and iPad, but if I did this would probably be what I would say about it. If you really want to know about the iPad, probably the best thing to do is to ask somebody who bought one to see what he or she thinks of it. That's your best bet, in my opinion.

So, please don't write in and ask me what I think about the iPad. I just don't know enough about it to tell you. I'm sorry, but that's just how it is right now. When I can afford one, then maybe I'll go out and buy one and give all my fans out there a good review of it. But until then, right now I got other things to deal with. I still got to come up with this month's rent, and my mom's starting to put a lot of pressure on me. She thinks I'm "surfing too much on the internets." And I'm like, Mom, you don't even know what "the internet's" are! She's draining my mana.


Tuesday, May 11, 2010

What to Do When Someone is Bothering You at Work...

You're all set to start your day at the office. You've got your latte in your hand and the last couple of morning yawns escape from your mouth as you step up to your cubicle to start your day and - ZAP - it happens.

Out of the corner of your eye you spot somebody that bothers you. You've forgotten all about it, but you quickly remember that this co-worker has really been bothering you lately. It's just going to be another long day at work, you start to think to yourself. If only this person would quit bothering me, I might be able to get something done!

How many times have you encountered this situation before starting your day? If you're like billions upon billions of other people around the globe, you're not alone. Try the following "sure-fire" tactics to put an end to your problem so you can get on with your day and your career and not feel bothered while doing it!

1. Pretend this person doesn't exist: If this person approaches you, look right through him or her as if that person were merely a cloud of air. If another coworker brings up this person's name shake your head and act like you don't understand? Who, you may ask, are they talking about? Research has shown that if you deny somebody's existence, that person will cease to exist! Now, if the person that bothers you is your boss, you might run into trouble when using this tactic.

2. Scream when that person comes near you: It's true, people don't like to be screamed at. If the person who bothers you approaches you to talk or ask a question, scream at the top of your lungs! Do this whenever this person comes near you. Then start doing it whenever this person is in the same room. Soon this person will understand that whenever he or she is near you a large scream is sure to follow. Before you know it this person will never bother you again!

3. Hide whenever you see the person that is bothering you: If ignoring or screaming don't indicate that you are being bothered, try hiding whenever the person that is bothering you comes near. The more you hide, the better you start to learn about the layout of your office. Once you start to know the habits of the person who is bothering you, you can usually be sure to find a place to hide where that person is least likely to be!

4. Tell your boss to fire the person who is bothering you: If your boss doesn't understand the logic behind your request, then ask your boss to transfer or "move" the person bothering you to another location in the company.

5. Tell all your coworkers that aren't bothering you to tell the coworker that is bothering you not to bother you any more: If the person bothering you doesn't get the clue, then, chances are this person will continue to bother you and you should get used to it. Sooner or later, this person will die; and so will you. At that point you won't be bothered by this person any more.

6. Shoot invisible quantum rays at the person: Close your eyes and concentrate. When your level of focus has reached its peak, shoot a series of disruptive quantum rays at the person who is bothering you. If the rays don't disrupt the person, you can feel good anyway because you shot a good dose of quantum rays into this person's head!

7. Find out what the person's name is and call that person by a

different name.

8. When the person who bothers you approaches to talk, snort like a pig or bulldog whenever a point is made. Nod frequently and snort. Offer this person a sip from your latte. Poke your finger in this persons ear when they are trying to be serious.

9. When the person bothering you is standing close to you, shake and shiver like you're standing in 20 below cold weather. Do this all the time whenever this person is near you. Also, try laughing out loud whenever you shake and shiver.

10. When the person who is bothering you is hard to find, start looking around the office for this person. If he or she is trying to hide from you, you can be fairly certain that that person won't be bothering you anymore.