Real World Job-hunting - Google

The next company we look at for potential corporate employment is Google. What does it take to get a job at this internet colossus? Take a look:

Enjoy what you do, where you do it, and the people you do it with.

What is it that you really want to do? Your master plan, not just your 5-year plan. At Google, our strategy is simple: we hire great people and support them in turning their aspirations into reality. We work hard here, and play here, and dream here. Googlers are bright, passionate people with diverse backgrounds, coming together to create a unique culture. One where the open exchange of ideas is encouraged and thinking beyond the norm is expected, no matter what position you happen to hold. Working at Google is as much a mindset as it is a job.

Your Faking Smart! tip: As far as you or I can tell, Google's gradual domination of the universe will take time ...and yes, plenty of employees! That's where you come in. If you've got the Google mindset, you've got the Google job! So think "beyond the norm" when telling them that "coming together" is exactly what you do best. For this company we suggest "turning your aspirations into reality" by utilizing the FSRI-developed personal ad approach. The internet means cutting-edge, cutting edge means sharp, and sharp means sexy! Send in a personal ad/application to this icon of the internet - something revealing your steamier side - and be sure to seal this envelope with some virtual perfume and a kiss. Apply using this open letter format:

Location: (your city)
Occupation: Job-hunter/huntress
Education: B.A. Physics - the movement of bodies
Ethnicity: (your ethnicity)
Speaks: French, Italian, Portuguese, English, C++, html, JavaScript
Relationship Status: Single(?)
Interests: Hyperlinking, web-browsing, working, playing and dreaming hard, Googling (many times a day when I'm alone), dancing, karaoke, hot tubs, candlelight dinners and long kisses.

My Goods
Height: 5 ft 11 in (give or take an inch or two or three)
Body Type: Average - athletic - firm.
Hair Length: Luscious - perfect
Eye Color: Varies, depending on angle of my computer screen.

My Habits
Cigarettes: Prefer not to say
Booze: Prefer not to say
Drugs: Prefer not to say

You
Age between: 9 and 11
Profession: Master of Worlds
Religion: Scale-free Networks
Ethnicity: Binary
Body Type: Virtual
Have Children: no preference
Want Children: Yes!
Drugs: no
Smoking: no
Drinking: I'm a VERY social drinker

REMEMBER: Google wants you to "enjoy what you do, where you do it, and the people you do it with." It's that simple ..."no matter what position you hold." Look smart for this company (...and sexy, too.) Insist on a good position and don't settle for anything less!

Give us an update on how the application went!

KWA

Real World Job-hunting

If my predictions hold true, the PC (personal computer ...or as I like to call it, the blog box) is one of the hottest products out there, poised to one day find its place in the average American home right alongside the iPod, the X-Box, the vacuum cleaner and the Brazilian spider monkey. And landing a job at a company that caters to this breakthrough technology may be an opportunity to get in on the ground floor of something big!

Claiming to have over 50,000 employees, Microsoft, the marquee marketeer of personal computer programming, is certain to have an opening or two at its sprawling campus. But don't brush down your suit and starch your shirt just yet - Microsoft may have more in store for you than you think! Here's some words from their careers webpage:

Who fits in at Microsoft? All sorts of people, from all over the world. Technical types and creative types. Introverts and extroverts. Rock climbers and movie buffs. People of all backgrounds, who excel in a multitude of fields.

What's the common thread? If you stood all of the 50,000-plus Microsoft employees in front of a large mirror, you would see reflected a collective group that revolves around a few core traits. Those traits may not be secrets to success, but they do provide a framework for what core values are desired at Microsoft.

Your Faking Smart! tip: According to this employee profile it shouldn't be hard to get a job at this software giant. Who fits in a Microsoft? "All sorts of people, from all over the world." (Exchange students.) "Technical types and creative types." (Nerds and Goths.) "Introverts and extroverts." (Loners and the popular kids.) Yes! It may be hard to believe, but from this brief employee breakdown getting a job a Microsoft may be no harder than getting into a sophomore class at highschool! For this company cut to the quick and shoot them a resume that states the bare bones. Be concise (...and back this up with a note from your parents) and tell them that you're transferring from "out of town" and that you're thinking about trying out for the drama club or the cheer-leading squad. Mention that you did some rock climbing with your older brother once and that you totally dig watching movies over doing homework (...yes, you're a movie buff!) When your resume finds its way into the right hands expect a call from principal Gates himself! Then update your vaccination card, get a backpack and get ready for homeroom!

Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

KWA (Guidance Counselor)

Real World Job-hunting

As mentioned last week, in the next series of posts we'll examine what specific companies are looking for in their employees. We'll give you some Faking Smart! hints ...then you apply for a job and tell us how it goes.

Today we take a look at one of our country's venerable old companies. IBM. Here's a blurb from their website:

We've identified the core competencies that provide the foundation for an employee's professional growth at IBM. These foundational competencies establish a common standard of excellence across IBM for all employees. The IBM Foundational Competencies are:

* Adaptability
* Client Focus
* Taking Ownership
* Communication
* Drive to Achieve
* Teamwork & Collaboration
* Creative Problem Solving
* Passion for the Business
* Trustworthiness

Your Faking Smart! tip: Yes, IBM may be one of the biggest and oldest companies around, but don't let that intimidate you. If you show IBM that its "foundational competencies" are part of your "foundational" personality, you've got this job in the bag! Along with your standard application throw in an essay to raise HR eyebrows, and address each of your "competencies" in a way they will never forget. Here's an example of what your essay might contain:

* Adaptability: Tell them about your vacation to Cancun last spring break and how quickly you adjusted to the change of climate.

* Client Focus: Do you wear glasses? If you don't you may want to get a pair. Glasses make you look 63% smarter, and mentioning this will earn an HR nod of approval.

* Taking Ownership: Tell them about the things you own. The more things, the better, in this case.

* Communication: Who do you talk to and how often is a topic you might want to bring up when you mention your "foundational competency" in communication. Remember, the more you talk the better, because you'll be doing a lot of it at IBM.

* Drive to Achieve: Do you drive to work every day? If so, tell them how long it takes for your commute ...and if you don't drive to work tell them about the food drive for charity you take part in annually.

* Teamwork & Collaboration: What sports are you involved in? Let them know your scoring average from last season (...and don't be afraid to bump up those totals slightly. Standard corporate exaggeration stands at around 23%.)

* Creative Problem Solving: NEVER admit you have any problems. If they press you during the interview tell them that you bite your nails.

* Passion for the Business: Get creative here and explain to them that the bigger the business is, the more passion you tend to have for it!

* Trustworthiness: Be honest. Write that you've never so much as stolen a post-it note from work. You may even want to bring up a story about returning your neighbor's lost dog or cat. Mentioning pets is a great way to gain emotional points.

So, there you have it. IBM here you come! Apply and tell us your story. We'll be eager to hear how well you did!

KWA

Pulling the Plug on Your PC

Your computer works just fine for what it's needed for. It has just enough juice to access company databases, run your email application and load a web-page when pressed. It's like driving a '93 Ford Taurus: it burns a little oil and has an exhaust leak, but it gets you where you need to go. For many this is enough ...but for the employee trying to fake smart your stone-age operating system is an anathema--and embarrassment to you and should be to the company you work for.

As far as the FSRI is concerned, you have three options to solve this problem. The first is to stay the course--don't make any waves and hope your system gets upgraded after some time has passed. Your second option is to quit your job and apply at a firm that has better computers. Your last option is make it necessary that your computer be replaced.

If you decided to "stay the course" the FSRI has determined that you chances of impressing your workplace by faking smart are drastically diminished. If you choose the second route you subject yourself to the caprice of a wily job market. If you go with the third option, however, the FSRI has devised a number of ways to get a fast, up-to-date system on your desk within one or two days.

Computer Euthanasia--coming in the next post. Advice on "protesting your current predicament" will follow.

KWA