Sunday, July 24, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
TEN THINGS I'll MISS AFTER WAKING UP FIVE YEARS IN THE FUTURE
As you well know, I'm freezing myself this Friday and I'll be sleeping in this cryogenic state for five years whereupon I'll be "reawakened" to continue to live my life as I do today, but five years later. This "sleep" will seem like a short nap to me.
Anyway, as my journey begins I started wondering what I would miss when I awaken half a decade from now. My thought experiment required that I come up with ten things that are around today that most likely won't be around when I wake up. Here they are:
1. My subscriptions to "Popular Science", "Better Homes and Gardens", "Wired" and "Men's Health" magazines. (These subscriptions will not be paid during my absence.)
2. Facebook. (At least nobody will be using it.)
3. The half-used tub of sour cream I bought last week.
4. Pickle, my neighbor's 17-year-old labrador retriever.
5. The duct tape wallet.
6. The 2012 Summer Olympics.
10. The Pontiac Fiero.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
AGER TO FREEZE SELF, AWAKEN FIVE YEARS IN FUTURE
|KARL WOLFBROOKS AGER|
I want to thank everyone who has made the past fiscal year at the FSRI and FSIHL one of immeasurable success. Without the hard work from our staff and students our venerable institutions would never have attained the global status and profitability that Faking Smart! enjoys today. Thank you all! And thank you, Jenny, for sweeping up the spilled bag of Cheetos somebody "forgot" to clean up in the physics lab last Wednesday.
Anyway... you are probably wondering why I've called for this press conference, and you are no doubt wondering if I'll be attending this year's FSRI/FSIHL July 4th Independence Day cookout? To the second part of your question I'll answer by saying "Do not fear, I will be attending the cookout." As to the first part of the question... this is where things get a little tricky. The reason I'm calling this press conference is to state my decision to step down from overseeing the daily operations of the FSRI for exactly five years time. In my stead, for that five year period, Harry Jankowskowitz will serve as acting CEO. I hope you welcome him and make him feel at home. Thank you, Harry.
|Harry Jankowskowitz, Acting CEO|
While on my voyage to the future I'm told by our scientists that my brain wave activity will be drastically reduced. But not completely! Therefore, I'm am a willing participant in a pioneering study that will involve the implanting of a micro-computer transmission chip in my brain so that I can maintain basic communication with the outside world. In conjunction with this chip I'll be posting my insights into the future via a new twitter account @fakingsmart where my reflections on our future world will be broadcast for all to see. Because of my quick leap in time I feel it incumbent to share my knowledge with those eager to learn what our future has in store. In other words, I'll be tweeting from the future!
Again, this move may come as a surprise to many of you here at the FSRI and FSIHL. But I'm doing what I feel has to be done. It's not that I'm bored with our world as it is... It's simply that I desire to see the future sooner than it takes to wait around for it. I hope you understand this and permit me my eccentricities. Take care, and I'll see you in five years!
(Any written correspondences should be sent to my current address FIVE YEARS LATER, due to the fact that I will be sleeping until then. Once I am fully awoken and cognizant of my temporal displacement I'll do my best to respond. If you reply to my tweets I can't guarantee that I'll get back to you right away. I have no idea how this is going to work, and I'd rather not make any unreasonable promises at this time.)
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