BUILD A FACTORY!

Here's your Faking Smart! tip for the day: 

BUILD A FACTORY!

Once you've built your factory, hire 348 people to work in it. Once you've hired your workers, then decide what you will make in your factory. Suggestions: ointment, bricks, soup, or weapons.


Good luck!

the FSRI

Analysis of Our FSRI Poll

I'm sure some of you have been waiting a long time for this, so let's cut to the chase and tell you what we discovered after analyzing our most recent poll.

Many of our readers were surprised when we first posted this poll, and many of you expressed concern over its accuracy and relevance. But it is important to remember that each and every poll we conduct here on the Faking Smart! blog is first researched thoroughly by the FSRI Blogging Division, scrutinized by the division for bias or "leading", beta tested in several NATO countries, then, finally, sent down to Dwight D. Eisenhower Elementary for last minute testing and approval.

After these steps we have before us what we call a "Thumbs Up! Hard-copy" - at this point we are ready to go live.

With our methodology out of the way, let's go ahead and look at what our poll has taught us.

The question ran as follows:

Which company would you least like to work for? (one vote represents 1000 votes.)

The choices were:

Exxon/Mobil

Wall Mart

Halliburton or

Ben & Jerry's

Because of massive voter participation in this poll we were forced to incorporate advanced statistical manipulation to help keep the raw numbers in perspective and to keep our supercomputers from overheating. The FSRI Weights and Measures Department decided, therefore, to compartmentalize or "truncate" the final data into rounded-down, shorter and more hand-countable size to facilitate reader comprehension. This may be over your head (it sure was over mine), but here's a simplified version of what we found:

Exxon/Mobil: 1000 voter responses

Wall Mart: 2000 voter responses

Halliburton: 4000! voter responses

Ben & Jerry's: 1000 voter responses

So what does this mean? Well, without getting too deep into statistical mumbo-jumbo, the results indicate this: with over 4000 voter responses, Halliburton, was clearly the winner and should be considered, by far, the most selected of all these companies; next in line was Wall Mart with over 2000 votes; and, last but not least, Exxon/Mobil and Ben & Jerry's were tied for last with 1000 votes apiece.

Congratulations Halliburton! We, here at the FSRI, want to wish you a long and successful corporate life and we thank you greatly for agreeing to participate in our survey. As for the others, ...don't give up! There's always next year. And remember, getting the most votes does not always indicate the overall "quality" of a company or corporation. Sure, getting a lot of votes feels good and it give the higher-ups something to brag about, but companies are made from the bottom up, and with a little hard work and drive you can be assured of getting more votes in the future.

Thanks to everyone who voted in the poll, and look forward the next FSRI poll to come out in a day or two!

KWA

Ager Returns Safely to FSRI Headquarters

Hello, and welcome back to the Faking Smart! blog.

I am glad to announce that, after a brief, yet well earned reprieve from my blogging obligations, I'm back and ready for work. After a little tidying up (I had to remove the Ping-Pong table, pop-corn machine, wet bar and entertainment center that somehow found their way into my office) I am officially "on the clock" and eager to carry on with Faking Smart!

I have given our readers nearly three weeks to muse over the results of our most recent poll. Tomorrow comes the FSRI analysis, so stay tuned!

Thursday arrives with a "surprise" response to one infamous commenter, and Friday returns with Decateur's Weekly Business Roundup. Yes, Decateur has agreed to continue with his weekly column, much to the surprise and muted fanfare of everyone here at the FSRI Blogging Division.

Thank you for your patience and loyalty,

KWA

Decateur's Weekly Business Roundup

Back for more of my business advice, I guess? Good luck...

Well, the markets were still mixed this week ahead of a critical jobs report due out today. The dark and looming cloud of the dicey mortgage situation still managed to cast a dark and gloomy shadow over investor confidence. My advice? Buy! I'm going bullish with this forecast. Go nuts and buy stocks and thank me when you cash in later in the month. Also, with the lunar eclipse behind us and the autumnal equinox only a couple of weeks away, I see a window of opportunity in bauxite futures. For all those fans of aluminum out there, you know what I'm talking about.

...So, on with my "roundup."

The sub-prime credit crisis seems to have a broader effect on jobs than first perceived. The NYT reports that "As Housing Market Cools, Far Fewer Become Agents." How this will immediately effect our economy remains to be seen, but what is evident is our country's apparent inability to recruit CIA and FBI agents. Look for stocks to fall for homing device, exploding pen and poison blow dart companies.

Which brings me to my next item. According to the NYT, Starbucks has opened its first coffee shop in Russia, allowing Muscovites a taste of what made Seattle the buzzing center of the coffee brewing universe. Two things might happen if Starbucks gains staying power in this feisty vestige of the former Soviet Union: look for Russian productivity levels to jump, and look for applications for the CIA to rebound. I'm sure any agent would feel better knowing he could down a steamy double-tall latte before a wintry, Gorky Park rendezvous with a Moscow mole.

Lastly, in more Northwest news, Boeing announced yesterday that it conducted a crash test of its new 787. According the Seattle Times the crash went well: ""We've done enough analysis at this point to declare success," said spokeswoman Lori Gunter. I've never flown before, and probably never will, but if Boeing continues to consider crashing 787s as a mark of success, look for a steep downturn in future Boeing equities and a downturn in the travel and vacation services sector.

That's the roundup...!

Probably see you next week.

Decateur

(Decateur Thoms is one of the most renowned graduates of the FSIHL (Faking Smart Institute for Higher Learning.) He is an expert thinker, commentator and columnist on a wide range of business subjects and he is recognized by the Faking Smart! Global Fund for his work in helping disadvantaged investors understand the current, global investment marketplace.)

WARNING - DO NOT READ THIS POST!

I must apologize for using the above tactic to get you to read this. The FSRI informed me of research suggesting that to tell somebody not to do something invariably encouraged that person to do the opposite. The FSRI has coined this research "remorse psychology"; the idea being that if you don't do the opposite you may feel ultimately guilty for not having done so. I have yet to see convincing evidence of this theory's effectiveness, but the FSRI has never been wrong before. Now, with the above in mind, I must insist that you never read this blog again, never tell anybody about it and never think about it ...even when you are trying to fall asleep!

I guess I should get to the point. Up till now I've been impressed by our readers' ability to adapt quickly to the tenets and theories that have been gradually trickled down through this blog. Yes, I'm proud of you. What concerns me, however, is that many out there are taking too much time to read and learn what has been presented here. The FSRI has informed me that there are several, nay thousands of readers who spend a good deal of their day perusing this site, going through past posts, laughing at old pictures, notating, and collecting and categorizing the advice we provide.

BE FOREWARNED!

A true practitioner of Faking Smart! - he or she who follows the tenets and strategies to their requisite modicum - would hesitate to spend too much time looking at this site. What I'm saying here is ...if you're still reading this post right now, there is a good chance that you are failing to fake smart! You may not be adhering to the basic principles of our carefully devised programs and strategies. I know this might be hard to believe, but if you're putting too much effort into this whole thing you're potentially misconstruing this program at a fundamental level and taking Faking Smart! too far.

This post is a post of encouragement! I'm happy to see that thousands and thousands of people are finally learning about this "hidden" method of understanding corporate America. And if the enthusiasm for Faking Smart! continues to be reflected in the massive interest in this blog, I'm confident that Faking Smart! will, one day, be the prism through which all American business is seen and done.

Congratulations to you!

KWA

(Attention: This post was formulated by the FSRI for scientific purposes only. Any meaningful or useful information is purely coincidental and is not the responsibility of the FSRI or KWA. In addition, no remorse psychology was incorporated when writing this post.)

Decateur's Weekly Business Roundup

Hey everyone, what's up?

I'm sure you're here this week for my regular cutting-edge business reporting. Well, that's not gonna happen. My mom wants the back yard cleaned up for a cookout she's having on Monday, and I just downloaded the Wing Commander Saga demo and I've been sucked into ridding the galaxy of the Kilrathi infestation. In other words, I don't have the time.

So instead of giving you my standard in-depth analysis of the past week's market trends, I'll just shoot you some quick business pointers that I've learned through the years.



1. Never place an E*Trade "buy" order after consuming three or more IPAs - or if you've been taking Vicodin for dental work.

2. Never call your dad up asking for money that you've lost placing "compromised" E*Trade orders.

3. Never place E*Trade orders.

4. Never ask your friend's girlfriend to kiss you after consuming three or more IPAs.

5. Never invest in a tip given to you through an "anonymous" email.

6. Never buy a sailboat unless you enjoy crumpling up hundred dollar bills and throwing them away. (I've never been on a sailboat - I get seasick looking at water - but this what a friend told me.)

Okay, that's if for now. And no, I'm not going to my mom's cookout. I'll be far, far, away when that goes down.

See ya next week. ...Maybe.

Decateur

(Decateur Thoms is one of the most renowned graduates of the FSIHL (Faking Smart Institute for Higher Learning.) He is an expert thinker, commentator and columnist on a wide range of business subjects and he is recognized by the Faking Smart! Global Fund for his work in helping disadvantaged investors understand the current, global investment marketplace.)

Decateur's Weekly Business Roundup

Hello everyone. Yep, it's the Roundup again. Guess I should get out of bed...

Might as well get to it. The Dow is up 233 points today thanks to the kindly intervention by Big Ben Bernanke and his posse down at the Federal Reserve. My advice this week regarding stocks: BUY! Yes, buy, buy, buy! Take whatever money you can get your hands on and put it in stocks. Blue Chips, OTCs, whatever you can buy, do it! Drain your bank accounts, dig up your chest from your back yard, sell your homes and indenture your children if you have to. This market is hot and not getting on board now is like watching a party train pull out of the station with you sitting back in bitter resentment for not having bought a ticket.

Which brings me to the announcement by Hewlett-Packard that its profits are up 29% for the quarter. This is big news for many reasons. When printer sales are up count on buoyant consumer confidence, because when people are happy they write. They write poems and books and pamphlets announcing weddings, birthdays and barn-buildings. Look for a spike in paper stocks, book publishing equities and corporate stock certificate printing interests.

Regarding grimmer news, this week New York Police Commissioner, Raymond Kelly, declared that "the internet is the new Afghanistan." This came as a shock to me being I'm a regular user of the internet and frequent poster on the more relevant blogs. If this is true, and that the Taliban are out there watching my every move ...just waiting to run a virtual suicide truck bomb into this site, I wonder if the small remittance I receive from the FSRI is worth the risk? Karzai, if you can hear me, you have my vote if you keep my web-activity IED-free.

Lastly, according to the Wall Street Journal, It's been said that Whole Foods has been approved to purchase competitor Wild Oats Market Inc. This will help the organic retailer to improve its market niche and to strengthen its brand against up-and-coming "organic" competition such as Kroger Foods. The downside is that the CEO of Whole Foods, John Mackey, has been caught promoting his company by using an internet alias on various stock watcher forums. Apparently, through use an anagram of his wife's name Deborah, he's been posting company-touting blurbs to boost Whole Food reputation and consumer attention to its brand. This is totally unacceptable. To use the internet (and especially the comment section in blogs) as a self-marketing tool is beyond moral consideration. And, as for that, to publish "anonymous" comments that pretend to be random public comments is an even more despicable act.

See ya next week.

Decateur Thoms

The Faking Smart! Secret Job-hunting Method

At last we come to the final method in our discussion about job-hunting.

For years now the FSRI has been researching and studying different strategies for getting an employee the corporate job he or she should be looking for. During this period we have also found it beneficial to develop and test our own job-hunting strategies and tactics. With the highest levels of scientific rigor, we have proposed hypotheses, tested out theories and then presented the statistics necessary to substantiate our initial assumptions. What we have revealed could easily be considered shocking. The Faking Smart! Secret Job-hunting Method is one of these ground-shattering discoveries.

Whether finding a job through cold calling, internet searches, networking or through temp agencies, the job-hunter has a range of tools at his or her disposal. Each of these methods, however, leads to a lengthy process of phone interviews, applications, drug-testing, resume submissions, face-to-face interviews and eventually salary negotiations - all time-consuming and energy-draining activities. When using the Faking Smart! Secret Job-hunting Method you circumvent this often beleaguering protocol!

A word of caution: While the Secret Job-hunting Method is best suited for entry-level company positions, it may be comfortably used at any tier of the corporate employee hierarchy. Also, when implementing the Secret Method be sure, as always, to adhere closely to the Faking Smart! guidelines.

The Faking Smart! Secret Job-hunting Method is this:

When you find out that a company has an opening for a particular position, simply put on some nice clothes, collect a few "office things" together in a small box and show up for work! Yes! it's that simple! When you hear of a job opening just show up and start working!

The hidden truth, discovered by the FSRI, is that human resource departments loath the hiring process. By simply entering the building, finding a cubicle or office and sitting down to work you are presenting yourself as a "corporate gift!" HR doesn't have to verify references, trudge through lengthy cover letters or get reports back on questionable urine samples ...and management doesn't have to steal valuable time away from what they do best - MANAGE!

When you show up and start work - absent the awkward emailing, interviewing and clumsy handshaking - you are telling the company that "you know the game! and you are eager to play." AND LOOK - YOU'VE ELIMINATED THE APPLICATION AND INTERVIEW PROCESS IN ONE FELL SWOOP! Sure, you may ruffle a few feathers, but just like a lost wildebeest relocating its herd, you're quickly assimilated and ready to rejoin the stampede!

So, there you have it - the long-awaited Faking Smart! Secret Job-hunting Method. This is just one of the thousands upon thousands of FSRI-developed business strategy methods, and the more of these strategies and methods you use in your daily business life the better and better you become at Faking Smart!

KWA

Faking Smart! - Making Your Business Ours

As we have shown, In the last couple of decades the paradigm for finding good, solid corporate work has shifted away from the days when it was necessary to call up the old party boss and request that he "grease a few gears on the old corporate machine" to get your foot in the door at company X, Y or Z. The internet and modern telecommunications has done away with such tawdry political back-tickling. Today boasts a better era - an era where getting corporate work is as democratic as apple pie ...an era where simply eating apple pie gives you many more options than if you weren't eating apple pie. (Blueberry pie is also good.) The point is, we at the FSRI don't really care what you are eating when out of the office. What we do care about is that you are in your office and that you are Faking Smart! safely and successfully, and to do so you need corporate work, and to find corporate work you need to be - YES - Faking Smart!

For the millions of regular readers who pay moderate attention to the strategies and ruminations that occur here on nearly a daily basis, you may not realize it but you are party to a revolution in thought itself. When you stare blankly into the vortical might of the FSRI's schemes and claims you are witnessing the breakdown of logic and the buildup of a higher and more expedient corporate epistemology. The more you read the clearer it gets! And the clearer it gets the less you want to read about it! Get it?

DON'T READ SO MUCH. FAKING SMART! HAS YOUR BRASS NAMEPLATE ORDERED AND ON ITS WAY. SIT BACK AND ENJOY THE RIDE. FOLLOW THE GUIDELINES AND TRUST IN THE TRUST WE HAVE IN YOU.

Next up: Temp Agencies and Decateur Thoms's weekly business roundup.

KWA

The Modern Computer

So you've got your cup of coffee, chatted up the boss and you're ready to sit down, turn on your computer and get to work. These are the rituals you go through every day as a modern business employee ...but did you ever stop to wonder just what this strange machine is that is sitting in front of you, begging for your utmost attention?

You may not realize it but computers haven't been around the modern business office forever. No. In fact, computers, as we know them, (...and not including the abacus) have only been a workplace mainstay for only the last ten years or so ...ever since a bright young advertising executive in a San Francisco firm brought one in as a cumbersome yet functioning paperweight. The rest was history. Today, thanks to advances in technology, computers are to be found in nearly every office in all parts of the world, helping to make employees appear busy and productive.

This week we explore the uses of the computer and the way they can assist you in your quest for Faking Smart!

KWA

Welcome to Faking Smart!

This blog was invented by K.W.A. and the FSRI to answer random questions about corporate America. If you have a question (any question) regarding corporate America, getting a job or anything to do with business please view KWA's profile and send an email. Selected questions will be answered through these posts ...depending on whether or not K.W.A. has the time to answer them.

It is very difficult to reach K.W.A. and the FSRI has come up with this solution to try make K.W.A. and his enormous breadth of knowledge accessible to all.

Good luck!, and keep Faking Smart!

The FSRI Blogging Division