Getting a Job - Make that Company Find You!

Here are some steadfast tips from the FSRI on how to obtain employment under today's tumultuous economic conditions. Over the next couple of weeks we'll re-cap some of the proven ways for prospective employees to stake their claim in an increasingly difficult job market.

Remember, when you are looking for a job you are competing with millions of other job-seekers. Take a different route and make that company to find you!

Here is one way to achieve it:

Coordinate and hold a job fair!

Everyone knows that a standard method for employers to find employees is to meet over the neutral ground of a job fair. In YOUR job fair, however, you take center stage. Come up with a glossy pamphlet outlining the annual AAHA (Association for the Advancement of Hireable Applicants) job fair to take place in your local town or city. (You might want to create a website to support this event.) Then, send your pamphlets out to Fortune 100 companies with the event specifics: dates and location, directions, etc... On that morning, before the fair is to begin, set up your "reception" desk (with plenty of extra resumes to go around) in the middle of the conference room floor. When the fair begins watch how these corporate recruiters descend on you, the only job-seeker present, like vultures. None of these representatives wish to return home with empty hands! Be mindful, however, of the position you finally accept. If you are offered a chemical engineering position at "corporation X", for example, you might want to be sure that your background and education suits such a job description.

Good luck and keep a positive attitude. Remember, this is a job you're trying to get and the repercussions may involve hours, weeks, months and years of commitment and hard work. If your up to the task, you're exactly where you need to be!

FSRI

Some Cost-Cutting Office Measures

Here are some FSRI suggestions on how to cut office expenses during this economic duress. The following is a recent memo we sent to one of our many FSRI customer service offices:

Due to current economic exigencies, the operations team, after cursory review, has concluded that a number of services provided to your floor personnel will be either reduced or fully eliminated. Effective tomorrow:

1. No more heating will be provided to the main floor room. Encourage employees to dress in layers (wool is effective), wear hats and to take a quick laps around the office if an increase body 

temperature is necessary.
2. To conserve on electricity and water usage, bathrooms will be off limits to floor personnel. For this to work discourage the drinking of beverages during office hours—especially coffee! (In fact we recommend a complete ban of coffee on the floor to help accommodate this change.) If an employee absolutely needs to use the toilet, suggest that they use a peanut butter jar or use allotted break time to leave the building and seek a public facility nearby.

3. All water coolers will be converted to “recycled” water coolers. The bottoms of the cooler bottles will be cut open to allow water not completely consumed by personnel to be re-added to the existing bottle.
4. All lights (excluding manager's lights) will be turned off during business hours. Personnel will be required to bring a flashlight or battery powered lantern, or other suitable, approved lighting apparatuses to their workstations. Overhead lighting WILL be provided ten minutes before opening and ten minutes before closing, to safely illuminate walkways and to ensure employees find their seats.
5. All employees will be required to purchase and utilize their own computer systems. IT will assist in setting up and connecting these systems with the compa

ny-wide network. If, however, an “outside” computer has been connected with the internal company network, this computer must remain on company grounds. This policy is a security measure to avoid accidental intelligence leaks to outside interests.
6. Printers will be disconnected and disabled. Insist that, from now on, all copies will be hand written.
7. All stock office materials, i.e. pens, paper, paperclips etc… must be purchased and provide by personnel. Any existing stock will be removed and donated to the humane society.
The break room will be locked and off limits during business hours. Its purpose will be reserved exclusively for employee interrogations.

Happy Thanksgiving All!

The FSRI extends its best.

KWA

Finding a New Job On-Line

Sure these are tough economic times, and maybe in this tumult of free-falling finance you've managed to find yourself out of a job and on the street. DON'T SWEAT IT!, claims the FSRI. With failure comes opportunity! Before you go home and drown yourself in sorrow, stop in at the nearest internet cafe and GET TO WORK!

FINDING A JOB ON THE INTERNET

The internet has become a marvelous tool for job searching in our modern business climate. Through the internet you can access newspaper classifieds, submit resumes to job-finding databases such as Monster.com or Google and go directly to company sites where job-postings are readily available. In no time you may find another job waiting for you just around the corner ...and all it took was a few minutes surfing the web!

If weeks have gone by, however, and your job search has led you to repeated dead ends the FSRI recommends that you consider this option: start your own internet, job-search company! It may come as a surprise, but many successfully employed people obtained their employment through starting and building successful companies of their own. And what better situation could you wish for? ...you're an employee of your own company (i.e. you're working!), you can join in all the thrills that owning and operating a business provides, and, if worse comes to worst, you've created and managed a great platform for finding new work whenever you need it!

BY CREATING AN ONLINE JOB SEARCH COMPANY, YOU CREATE A JOB OF YOUR OWN!

Remember, owning and operating a company is not simply a matter of obtaining a business license and then watching as the revenue pours in. No. There's all kinds of stuff you have to do, like making sure other employees don't fight during business hours and keeping poachers out of your parking space. But if you stick with it, you're sure to excell! When you're following the Faking Smart! advice we give you, you have no choice but to succeed!

K.W.A.

Krugman Wins Nobel - Wolfbrooks Ager Reacts

FSRI Newswire, 13 October

Moose Jaw, Can. - AP reports today that The Nobel Committee awarded Paul Krugman, the Princeton University scholar and New York Times columnist, the Nobel prize in economics for his analysis of how economies of scale can affect trade patterns and the location of economic activity.

Karl Wolfbrooks Ager, lead economist and founder of the FSRI (Faking Smart! Research Institute) had this to say: "Why we should concern ourselves with guns, butter and widgets during this period of financial free-fall is beyond me. You have to wonder if the Nobel committee has their heads screwed on right."

When asked if this announcement had any implications on broader contemporary economic theory, Wolfbrooks was skeptical. "You've got a lot of economists out there and not one of them can tell you why this washing machine won't take my quarters. I got some BBQ sauce on my ascot last night and I've been here for the better part of a day trying to launder it. Ask Mr. Krugman what his theories are on that."

Over the past several days the Nobel Institute has rolled out its much anticipated list of 2008 prize winners in fields such as physics, chemistry, literature and peace. Scholars are honored for the highest level of achievement in their respective disciplines.

"Sure," added Wolfbrooks, "everyone wants a prize to stick in their office trophy case. Can't blame them. The question is... how much is this medal really worth? I think even Mr. Krugman would agree that it's all a matter of real vs. perceived value."

Wolfbrooks noted that, with all the publicity the Nobel institute is receiving from this years list of winners, he was considering that the FSRI might try something similar. "We'll see. I guarantee that there are millions of people out there who would do just about anything to get a Faking Smart! award. I'll run it by our Promotions and Awards division and see if it's feasible."

When asked what he was doing in Moose Jaw, Canada, Wolfbrooks appeared startled. "Canada?," he said. "Impossible!"

FSRI IN BAILOUT DEAL WITH FED

FSRI Newswire, 28 September

Washington - Unsubstantiated reports give clear indication that the FSRI (Faking Smart! Research Institute) is in the middle of bailout talks with Ben Bernanke and the Federal Reserve System. Sources indicate that this may be one of the biggest bailouts in U.S. history, marking an unprecedented move by an institute that has no apparent connection with the banking industry nor any knowledge of what the banking industry does, let alone the Federal Reserve System.

"It's a bold move," says financial expert Decateur Thoms. "When I saw that this was really going down I didn't know what to make of it. I mean ...it's the Federal Reserve and all that. Whatever..." When pressed further Thoms offered nothing to help clarify the dire circumstances. "Hey, I'm just trying to get by. Fall's coming and my lawn-mowing business is about to dry up. And my mom's starting to hound me about paying rent for my basement apartment."

If true, the FSRI will take control of The Fed in one of the nation's most turbulent economic times.  With congress poised to strike a deal with the Bush administration and Treasury Secretary Henry M. Paulson Jr. over a national banking system in turmoil, the bid by the FSRI may only serve to complicate matters. "This only adds to the headache," complained Eric Samson, former aide to the unofficial aide of Senator Chris Dodd, D-Connecticut. "With the FSRI parachuting into this problem it might stir things up. Senators are under a lot of stress right now ...why make it more difficult than it already is? Then again, the name and recognition of the FSRI may lend weight to the process and help to calm investor and depositor concerns."

Karl Wolfbrooks Ager, founder and head of the FSRI and FSIHL(Faking Smart! Institute for Higher Learning) gave a brief and non-specific response when asked about the FSRI's roll in this pending crisis:"If we're in talks with The Fed, it's news to me. Then again, all options are on the table." Asked if he thought the FSRI could saddle such a massive undertaking, Wolfbrooks Ager exhibited cool confidence:"We've been in talks before and we always come out feeling good about ourselves. Hopefully The Fed will recognize this." Wolfbrooks Ager, indifferent and more interested in the nutmeg dispenser at the local Starbucks where this interview was conducted added one more thing:"I've got my checkbook in my vest pocket. If the Fed want's out, let's start by talking numbers."

Working with Temporary Agencies ...ie., "Temping"

In the last ten to fifteen years temporary employment agencies, or Temp Agents, have become an unlikely mainstay in helping entry level employees find gainful work. One advantage to temp agencies is that they have the unique ability, through a working knowledge of the corporate employee marketplace, to pair employers with employees that are best suited for one another.



This can be an excellent launch-pad for a prospective cubicle-based employee to get his or her name out as someone immediately available for work. The drawback to signing on with temp agencies is that, as their name implies, they aren’t around long enough to adequately assist the job-seeker. Temp agencies come and go like luck at a roulette table. If you can, apply at a temp agency and insist on getting a placement that very day. If you don’t you may come back the next day and find that it’s turned into a take-out teriyaki lunch hut. Such is the reality of this modern method of finding employment.

Good luck!, and happy Temping.

KWA