DRAWING SHOWS SOLUTION TO GLOBAL WARMING

If this primitive illustration is correct, the solution to reduction of greenhouse gasses may be as simple as learning how to consume them!

Decateur's Weekly Business Roundup

Hey, all ...whatever.

I know, I know, you've all been wondering where I've been. And no, it isn't because the FSRI fired me or anything. I haven't been writing my weekly column here because I've been living in an alternate world off and on for the last several months.

Why am I spending a lot of time in an alternate world, you may ask? It's because it's way cooler there, and I don't have to stress about stuff like feeling nervous when talking to women ...or getting flack from my mom about finding a steady job. When I'm in my alternate world I can be who I really am, absent the prejudices and constraints that our society imposes on us.

Which brings me to my new column that K.W.A. has permitted me to write this week: The World of Warcraft Weekly Business Roundup.

For everybody under level 30: I'm looking for a strong showing in tin and copper bars this week. I'm looking for tin to ceiling out at 8 gold pieces for a 20 bar buyout (...yes, you heard my right), and for copper to sneak up to 5 gps per 20 bar bundle by mid-afternoon on Friday. But don't hang on too long. Try to dump and take your profit by 6 p.m. because it's all going to tank after that.

After a bit of profit-taking go straight into steel. That's right, I see steel on the move and peaking by Saturday p.m. That's when everybody and their brother is gonna be crafting armor for Saturday night and Sunday instances. Ride that gravy train and cash in. Even if you can't afford a full 20 bar bundle, get your hands on as much as you can and you'll be grinning by the end of the weekend.

As for magical gear ...stay away. If it's as hot near you as it is here, magic and enchanted items are a dud. Wizards hate the heat. This goes for all players--no matter what level.

That's it for now,

Decateur

KWA and FSRI Reveals official "Glitch" in Speedcat Blogging Software

In an effort to undo any and all misinformation regarding the recent debacle regarding the fecundity of remarks left by KWA and the FSRI, on Speedcat Holydale's latest post (a post posted on his site on this day on July of 2009), the FSRI has decided to articulate an appropriate and legally binding rebuttal. It runs as thus:

Dear Speedcat,

On the part of the FSRI and Karl Wolfbrooks Ager, we wish to extend an apology for any inconvenience this problem in your blogging software might have caused for readers of your daily column. It is never fun to see a comment repeated, let alone a comment as pithy as one generated from our automated blogging post response division. Please remedy this "glitch" at your soonest convenience.

From all of us here at the FSRI,

the best...

(...and we hope you're feeling better after your contraction of the "Wilbur Fugue.")

FSRI NEARS PUBLICATION OF NEW BOOK

The FSRI and K.W.A. are nearing the final stages of publishing a book on the acclaimed and controversial Faking Smart! Six-Week Program. While an exact publication date is, of yet, uncertain, we know with relative certainty that this book, containing the dangerous and subversive theories of Faking Smart!, will be available sometime in the near future (...and when we say "near" we mean, perhaps, some weeks or months from now.)

How controversial is this book?

This book is so controversial that prestigious universities around the world have refused to consider including it in their undergraduate and graduate business curriculums.

Where can I buy a copy of this book?

You can't buy a copy of this book -- yet. Once it is officially published, however, either through a giant, well-funded and handsomely author-compensating publishing house or through our own FSRI press, we will be sure to let you know when it is available.

Can I really become a VP in six weeks?

If you buy this book and follow the instructions provided, yes, you will become a VP. It says "guaranteed" on the cover, doesn't it?

Is this book a video game or an MP3 file?

No, this book is a book that you open and read. When you are done reading it you close it and stick it back on a bookshelf next to other books.

Should I buy this book if I'm already a VP?

Even if you are currently a VP, you should still buy this book. Before reading it, however, we encourage you to quit your current job to insure that you begin the Faking Smart! Six-Week Program with a fresh perspective. Once you've completed the six-week program you will, again, be a VP, only this time you'll have achieved your position by Faking Smart!

Thank you,

K.W.A.

Surviving an Office Romance

“Propinquity may lead you into temptation.” The definition of “propinquity” is to be close to someone—in proximity—and what better place is there for this to occur than in an office environment? Work can, at times, call for intimate collaboration between coworkers as proposals approach midnight deadlines, presentations are outlined through tense and excitable conditions and projects are coordinated under secrecy and intrigue. We’ve all been there. Many times it’s only a matter of inches that separates a professional association from an outpouring of passion, (…or a slap in the face.) Most of the time one acts with restraint and professionalism, but sometimes rationality decides to break for lunch and, for better or worse, a romance is born.

While an office romance may seem exciting and adventurous, the thing you should be thinking of most is how this new relationship will affect your co-workers. If you relationship has advanced to the stage of PDAs (public displays of affection), it may be worth your while to know that others may find this practice annoying, if not disruptive and vulgar. Beyond the simple envy, jealousy and nausea your relationship may elicit, there are other degrees of fallout to your burgeoning office affair. While shrouded in the fog of love and lust, you may not realize it, but others may see your relationship as a shifting of the office’s political landscape with new blocks and alliances taking shape necessitating new avenues for diplomacy and maneuvering. If your adventure leads you into the arms of a “higher up,” the anxieties of your coworkers may be compounded and find expression in neuroses, paranoia and panic. At the time, you may be oblivious to these collective fears, but if you try to put yourself in the shoes of one of your team members—empathize—you’ll understand that their consternation is not without merit.

Here’s a basic way to look at things, if you find yourself in the middle of an office romance ask yourself this question: which is more important to you, your job or the relationship? If you decide that your job is more important than the relationship, then think about removing yourself from this lustful dalliance as quickly as possible. (Ideally, you should have avoided this situation at the start, and hopefully it’s not too late to avoid substantial harm.) In truth, this admission reveals the fundamental weakness of any hope for a long-term relationship, and rather than inflict pain and suffering on your immediate love interest (as well as your team), make the more mature decision and try to find external, outside-of-work outlets to satisfy your sexual energies. If you decide that your romantic relationship is more important than your job, then a different set of variables lies before you. If your instincts are reliable and you know a good thing when you see it, for your own sake and that of others, avoid the mistake many have made by attempting to grow the relationship “in-house” and work out between the two of you who is better positioned to leave the company and who has more advantages in staying. This is what may be considered a rational, adult conversation, and it takes into consideration the thoughts and realities of being romantically involved in a tight-knit work community. This may serve the interests of your coworkers and team, but it may come to benefit your own interests as well. In some ways, work can create undue pressures and strain on a relationship. The healthier option is often to keep home life and work life separate.

Whatever your situation, remember to tread carefully when the potential for an office romance introduces itself. While it is easy to forget what the repercussions may be, keeping a cool head will serve you in the long run. We all look for and desire that special someone to spend time with …to grow with and share important times of our lives. This is a universal truth. But there is a time and a place for everything, and you must ask yourself if the disruption imposed by an office romance is worth the trouble it may create for you and those you work with.

BE HEATHLY AT WORK-EAT RIGHT AND EXERCISE!

There is an old axiom in the computer field: garbage in, garbage out. If you throw bad information into a computer program, you’re likely to get bad information back. Likewise, in your life, if you’re overdoing it with junk food, stimulants (energy drinks, cigarettes, etc…) and alcohol you are destined to wind up unemployed, unloved, depressed and possibly dead. If your not throwing out sell orders on the floor of the stock exchange, you have no excuse for running yourself into the dirt, so do what you can to modify your diet to include plenty of fruits and vegetables, reduce the amount of red meat you eat and keep your intake of alcohol and tobacco to a minimum. (“Everything in moderation,” runs the saying.)

As far as exercising goes, try to get in 4, 20-25 minute sessions of aerobic training per week. This is a perfect amount to keep you sprite and spry and on your toes. If your are the kind of person that finds it excruciating to strap on a pair of running shoes and hit the road, maybe being wired to an iPod while dominating an orbital is more your gig? Membership in a gym, with its professional environment geared toward physical fitness, might be exactly what you need to give you that extra kick in the shorts. Don’t forget, exercise can be a group activity as well, with many organizations in your community advocating different types of active recreation. Join a bike club. Join a ski club. Join a swimming club. Join a hiking club!

Why go to these lengths? To be clear, it’s no exaggeration that a sound body promotes a sound mind, and mental clarity and focus is key in becoming a successful person both at work and away from it. It’s all about balance, and with a little self-discipline in terms of what you put in your body and how active you are with it, you are laying the groundwork for achieving whatever it is you put your mind to.

Your Resume - Grabbing an Employer's Attention

How many times have you sent out an application for a job and not received a response? Well, the reason for this may be that your resume was too small.

It's true, most resumes today are sent over the internets in tiny, microscopic digital code, with data so delicate and frail that they immediately turn to vapor after being "sent" out into the global information maelstrom. This is a sad, yet real problem, and millions of job-seekers suffer the same plight.

The FSRI has devised a fail-proof solution to this common dilemma:

CREATE THE BIGGEST RESUME EVER!

...And when we say "the biggest", we mean THE BIGGEST! Just as the Great Wall of China and the Hoover Dam can be viewed from space, so should your resume. Find a large tract (say 100 sq miles, or so) of corn or wheat field in any of the Mid-Western states and get to work. Start up the combine and carve your resume into the great swaths of the North American bread basket! When you're done, track your resume down on Google Earth or MSN's TerraServer and then send the link to the companies you like and watch as the job offers pour in! Who knows, with any luck you may even get an interstellar-passerby to shoot you a response!

"Think big," advises the FSRI. "The bigger your resume, the bigger your chances are in getting the job!"