Decateur's Weekly Business Roundup

Hey everyone, what's up?

I'm sure you're here this week for my regular cutting-edge business reporting. Well, that's not gonna happen. My mom wants the back yard cleaned up for a cookout she's having on Monday, and I just downloaded the Wing Commander Saga demo and I've been sucked into ridding the galaxy of the Kilrathi infestation. In other words, I don't have the time.

So instead of giving you my standard in-depth analysis of the past week's market trends, I'll just shoot you some quick business pointers that I've learned through the years.



1. Never place an E*Trade "buy" order after consuming three or more IPAs - or if you've been taking Vicodin for dental work.

2. Never call your dad up asking for money that you've lost placing "compromised" E*Trade orders.

3. Never place E*Trade orders.

4. Never ask your friend's girlfriend to kiss you after consuming three or more IPAs.

5. Never invest in a tip given to you through an "anonymous" email.

6. Never buy a sailboat unless you enjoy crumpling up hundred dollar bills and throwing them away. (I've never been on a sailboat - I get seasick looking at water - but this what a friend told me.)

Okay, that's if for now. And no, I'm not going to my mom's cookout. I'll be far, far, away when that goes down.

See ya next week. ...Maybe.

Decateur

(Decateur Thoms is one of the most renowned graduates of the FSIHL (Faking Smart Institute for Higher Learning.) He is an expert thinker, commentator and columnist on a wide range of business subjects and he is recognized by the Faking Smart! Global Fund for his work in helping disadvantaged investors understand the current, global investment marketplace.)

Real World Job-hunting - Google

The next company we look at for potential corporate employment is Google. What does it take to get a job at this internet colossus? Take a look:

Enjoy what you do, where you do it, and the people you do it with.

What is it that you really want to do? Your master plan, not just your 5-year plan. At Google, our strategy is simple: we hire great people and support them in turning their aspirations into reality. We work hard here, and play here, and dream here. Googlers are bright, passionate people with diverse backgrounds, coming together to create a unique culture. One where the open exchange of ideas is encouraged and thinking beyond the norm is expected, no matter what position you happen to hold. Working at Google is as much a mindset as it is a job.

Your Faking Smart! tip: As far as you or I can tell, Google's gradual domination of the universe will take time ...and yes, plenty of employees! That's where you come in. If you've got the Google mindset, you've got the Google job! So think "beyond the norm" when telling them that "coming together" is exactly what you do best. For this company we suggest "turning your aspirations into reality" by utilizing the FSRI-developed personal ad approach. The internet means cutting-edge, cutting edge means sharp, and sharp means sexy! Send in a personal ad/application to this icon of the internet - something revealing your steamier side - and be sure to seal this envelope with some virtual perfume and a kiss. Apply using this open letter format:

Location: (your city)
Occupation: Job-hunter/huntress
Education: B.A. Physics - the movement of bodies
Ethnicity: (your ethnicity)
Speaks: French, Italian, Portuguese, English, C++, html, JavaScript
Relationship Status: Single(?)
Interests: Hyperlinking, web-browsing, working, playing and dreaming hard, Googling (many times a day when I'm alone), dancing, karaoke, hot tubs, candlelight dinners and long kisses.

My Goods
Height: 5 ft 11 in (give or take an inch or two or three)
Body Type: Average - athletic - firm.
Hair Length: Luscious - perfect
Eye Color: Varies, depending on angle of my computer screen.

My Habits
Cigarettes: Prefer not to say
Booze: Prefer not to say
Drugs: Prefer not to say

You
Age between: 9 and 11
Profession: Master of Worlds
Religion: Scale-free Networks
Ethnicity: Binary
Body Type: Virtual
Have Children: no preference
Want Children: Yes!
Drugs: no
Smoking: no
Drinking: I'm a VERY social drinker

REMEMBER: Google wants you to "enjoy what you do, where you do it, and the people you do it with." It's that simple ..."no matter what position you hold." Look smart for this company (...and sexy, too.) Insist on a good position and don't settle for anything less!

Give us an update on how the application went!

KWA

Real World Job-hunting

If my predictions hold true, the PC (personal computer ...or as I like to call it, the blog box) is one of the hottest products out there, poised to one day find its place in the average American home right alongside the iPod, the X-Box, the vacuum cleaner and the Brazilian spider monkey. And landing a job at a company that caters to this breakthrough technology may be an opportunity to get in on the ground floor of something big!

Claiming to have over 50,000 employees, Microsoft, the marquee marketeer of personal computer programming, is certain to have an opening or two at its sprawling campus. But don't brush down your suit and starch your shirt just yet - Microsoft may have more in store for you than you think! Here's some words from their careers webpage:

Who fits in at Microsoft? All sorts of people, from all over the world. Technical types and creative types. Introverts and extroverts. Rock climbers and movie buffs. People of all backgrounds, who excel in a multitude of fields.

What's the common thread? If you stood all of the 50,000-plus Microsoft employees in front of a large mirror, you would see reflected a collective group that revolves around a few core traits. Those traits may not be secrets to success, but they do provide a framework for what core values are desired at Microsoft.

Your Faking Smart! tip: According to this employee profile it shouldn't be hard to get a job at this software giant. Who fits in a Microsoft? "All sorts of people, from all over the world." (Exchange students.) "Technical types and creative types." (Nerds and Goths.) "Introverts and extroverts." (Loners and the popular kids.) Yes! It may be hard to believe, but from this brief employee breakdown getting a job a Microsoft may be no harder than getting into a sophomore class at highschool! For this company cut to the quick and shoot them a resume that states the bare bones. Be concise (...and back this up with a note from your parents) and tell them that you're transferring from "out of town" and that you're thinking about trying out for the drama club or the cheer-leading squad. Mention that you did some rock climbing with your older brother once and that you totally dig watching movies over doing homework (...yes, you're a movie buff!) When your resume finds its way into the right hands expect a call from principal Gates himself! Then update your vaccination card, get a backpack and get ready for homeroom!

Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

KWA (Guidance Counselor)

Decateur's Weekly Business Roundup

Hey! Didn't think I'd be back, did you? Whatever...

After a roller-coaster last couple of weeks the DOW finally posted a sizable gain on Friday. This came (many have said) as a result of the government's July housing market report stating that housing sales rose an approximate 2%. Wait. July? You heard me right, these were July numbers ...and what, might you ask, has that to do with the multi-billion dollar bailouts going on in the sub-prime mortgage sector in August? NOTHING. Not a dern thing! So, my fellow investors and seekers of business acumen, strike while the iron is hot and sell, sell, SELL! When August's numbers hit the fan a few weeks from now you'll be glad you did. So drain your bank accounts and liquidate your rare stamp collection and put what cash you've made in a water-tight Teflon container and submerge it in the nearest body of murky water (...not your swimming pool) and wait to see how things pan out.

Which leads me to today's New York Times report indicating a down-turn in home sales prices. This may have a dramatic effect for those who've borrowed on their home equity in anticipation of higher future home prices. But do not worry! As far as my own situation is concerned, I've checked with my mom and she's already paid off the house about eight years ago. In other words, my basement apartment is in NO danger of repossession and my Weekly Roundups will continue unabated as long as I continue to date, keep the lawn mowed and make sure the driveway is shoveled.

In the retail sector, I was startled to hear about The Gap's announcement of a 19% rise in quarterly profits. Is this a result of "back to school" sales? Hardly. This number is something solid and a dependable index of how well this company is run. I should know. I was employed at The Gap in our local shopping mall one summer during high school and the work ethic I helped to instill is, I think, finally showing results. Good work GAP! Keep doting your "Is" and folding your tees.

On a cultural note, I was stunned to read Geoff Colvin's Fortune magasine essay, "Are Americans too Lazy?" In his piece he argued that Americans, by "Global standards," were actually working fewer productive hours than most other countries in the world, and that a hard week's worth of work - 48 or more hours - was almost a thing of the past. He said that Americans don't want to believe that research shows "that we're working much less than we used to." I want to officially take issue with this finding. Admittedly, I'm a pundit and a specialist, so I don't qualify as a factory worker or landscaper. My high education in the field of Faking Smart! allows me certain pundit perks that others often wont see or understand. I do want to say, however, that I spend 60-70 hard hours of work writing this column each week for the FSRI and that I'm proud of my efforts. Yes, my paycheck is small - nearly nonexistent - but I'm American and I'll take my flat wage so long as my conscience remains clean.

Finally, an eulogy for Krispy Kreme. Yes, Great Circle Family Foods, the once largest franchisee of Krispy Kreme Doughnuts Inc., has filed for bankruptcy owing as much as $100 million to as many as 199 creditors. Apparently the "healthy living" movement has taken a bite out of this doughnut powerhouse's bottom line signifying and end of an era. No more will those delicious rings of surgar and trans-fats grace our office break-room tables - no longer will policemen have an excuse to dawdle. Yes, the doughnut may be dead, but love-handles will live on ...and the American may be all the better for it.

Word out,
Decateur

Real World Job-hunting

The American automotive industry is considered a staple of American corporate will and determination, and getting on board at one of the "Big Three" would truly be a feather in your corporate hat.

After recent layoffs in the struggling automotive sector, now is the perfect time to "put your pedal to the metal" and make your move. With profits rebounding these companies are on a hiring spree right now and GM is a great place to park your Faking Smart! job-hunting skills. Here's an excerpt from their "Careers at GM..." page:

If out-of-the-ordinary is your inspiration, you’ll have plenty of company at General Motors. We encourage our automotive professionals to breakaway from the mainstream and explore the unimagined. Career possibilities here range from the highest tech … to the most advanced research and sciences … to breakthrough design, engineering and manufacturing … to industry-leading financial and business initiatives. If you have the skills, talent and ambition to extend GM's automotive leadership, come to GM where it’s easy to Love What You Do.

Your Faking Smart! tip: According to this description, GM isn't just a big automotive company ...it's "plenty of company," and if you're inspired by anything "out-of-the-ordinary" you'll make an excellent corporate fit at this monster of American automotive ingenuity. Breakaway from the mainstream application process for this company and show how easy it is for you to "explore the unimagined." What is the most unimaginable thing you could do? Apply directly for their top position! Yes, go straight ahead and send this company an email declaring yourself a candidate for CEO of GM. This would be the last thing anybody would imagine you doing! This inspiration may be "out-of-the-ordinary", but that's exactly what their looking for. Lookout Rick Wagoner, here you come! They'll Love What You Do, and you'll love them for it!

Let us know how it goes, and good luck!

KWA

Real World Job-hunting

As mentioned last week, in the next series of posts we'll examine what specific companies are looking for in their employees. We'll give you some Faking Smart! hints ...then you apply for a job and tell us how it goes.

Today we take a look at one of our country's venerable old companies. IBM. Here's a blurb from their website:

We've identified the core competencies that provide the foundation for an employee's professional growth at IBM. These foundational competencies establish a common standard of excellence across IBM for all employees. The IBM Foundational Competencies are:

* Adaptability
* Client Focus
* Taking Ownership
* Communication
* Drive to Achieve
* Teamwork & Collaboration
* Creative Problem Solving
* Passion for the Business
* Trustworthiness

Your Faking Smart! tip: Yes, IBM may be one of the biggest and oldest companies around, but don't let that intimidate you. If you show IBM that its "foundational competencies" are part of your "foundational" personality, you've got this job in the bag! Along with your standard application throw in an essay to raise HR eyebrows, and address each of your "competencies" in a way they will never forget. Here's an example of what your essay might contain:

* Adaptability: Tell them about your vacation to Cancun last spring break and how quickly you adjusted to the change of climate.

* Client Focus: Do you wear glasses? If you don't you may want to get a pair. Glasses make you look 63% smarter, and mentioning this will earn an HR nod of approval.

* Taking Ownership: Tell them about the things you own. The more things, the better, in this case.

* Communication: Who do you talk to and how often is a topic you might want to bring up when you mention your "foundational competency" in communication. Remember, the more you talk the better, because you'll be doing a lot of it at IBM.

* Drive to Achieve: Do you drive to work every day? If so, tell them how long it takes for your commute ...and if you don't drive to work tell them about the food drive for charity you take part in annually.

* Teamwork & Collaboration: What sports are you involved in? Let them know your scoring average from last season (...and don't be afraid to bump up those totals slightly. Standard corporate exaggeration stands at around 23%.)

* Creative Problem Solving: NEVER admit you have any problems. If they press you during the interview tell them that you bite your nails.

* Passion for the Business: Get creative here and explain to them that the bigger the business is, the more passion you tend to have for it!

* Trustworthiness: Be honest. Write that you've never so much as stolen a post-it note from work. You may even want to bring up a story about returning your neighbor's lost dog or cat. Mentioning pets is a great way to gain emotional points.

So, there you have it. IBM here you come! Apply and tell us your story. We'll be eager to hear how well you did!

KWA

Decateur's Weekly Business Roundup

Hello everyone. Yep, it's the Roundup again. Guess I should get out of bed...

Might as well get to it. The Dow is up 233 points today thanks to the kindly intervention by Big Ben Bernanke and his posse down at the Federal Reserve. My advice this week regarding stocks: BUY! Yes, buy, buy, buy! Take whatever money you can get your hands on and put it in stocks. Blue Chips, OTCs, whatever you can buy, do it! Drain your bank accounts, dig up your chest from your back yard, sell your homes and indenture your children if you have to. This market is hot and not getting on board now is like watching a party train pull out of the station with you sitting back in bitter resentment for not having bought a ticket.

Which brings me to the announcement by Hewlett-Packard that its profits are up 29% for the quarter. This is big news for many reasons. When printer sales are up count on buoyant consumer confidence, because when people are happy they write. They write poems and books and pamphlets announcing weddings, birthdays and barn-buildings. Look for a spike in paper stocks, book publishing equities and corporate stock certificate printing interests.

Regarding grimmer news, this week New York Police Commissioner, Raymond Kelly, declared that "the internet is the new Afghanistan." This came as a shock to me being I'm a regular user of the internet and frequent poster on the more relevant blogs. If this is true, and that the Taliban are out there watching my every move ...just waiting to run a virtual suicide truck bomb into this site, I wonder if the small remittance I receive from the FSRI is worth the risk? Karzai, if you can hear me, you have my vote if you keep my web-activity IED-free.

Lastly, according to the Wall Street Journal, It's been said that Whole Foods has been approved to purchase competitor Wild Oats Market Inc. This will help the organic retailer to improve its market niche and to strengthen its brand against up-and-coming "organic" competition such as Kroger Foods. The downside is that the CEO of Whole Foods, John Mackey, has been caught promoting his company by using an internet alias on various stock watcher forums. Apparently, through use an anagram of his wife's name Deborah, he's been posting company-touting blurbs to boost Whole Food reputation and consumer attention to its brand. This is totally unacceptable. To use the internet (and especially the comment section in blogs) as a self-marketing tool is beyond moral consideration. And, as for that, to publish "anonymous" comments that pretend to be random public comments is an even more despicable act.

See ya next week.

Decateur Thoms