THE CORPORATE NINJA CODE OF HONOR

Through a new branch of research, the FSRI has recently discovered this amazing information. The Corporate Ninja Code of Honor runs as follows:

1. Never reveal to anyone that you are a corporate ninja.

2. Satisfying your company and clients is your highest goal.

3. If your company gives you a mission (or project), success is your only option.

4. Never reveal the company you work for, or your master, when captured.

5. If your mission (or project) fails, you must commit seppuku.

6. If you cannot commit seppuku, resign or request a transfer to a different department.

7. Dress in black - mostly.

8. You must lend aid to all other corporate ninjas in your company.

9. No one should know your true identity.

10. Don't bring your sword on a business flight as a "carry-on."

Happy Ninjitsuing! and a happy New Year!

KWA and the FSRI

Happy Holidays!

From everyone here at the FSRI, we extend our best wishes to you and yours. And, as always ...keep Faking Smart!

Remember these three things when attending your office party:

1. Reindeer can be dangerous when cornered.

2. It is a felony in many jurisdictions to force one into touching Santa's little elf.

3. Always accompany your dram of Akvavit with a sliver of pickled herring.

Be happy, but be safe...!

KWA and the FSRI

FSRI CEO of the Week

Here's our FSRI Corporate Executive Officer of the week. This guy is head honcho for the Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center. He looks like Mr. Keaton from "Family Ties."

Keep up the good work, Mr. Keaton, and good luck with the center!

KWA

Get Ahead by Getting to Work on Time!

Even though we’ve advocated spending as little time as possible at your office (your assistant has been able to handle just about anything you’ve been required to do), today we want to emphasize how getting to work on time becomes an important rule to adopt as you make your move up the corporate ladder.

Why get to work on time, you may ask? Well, there are many reasons: first, you are better able to absorb developments as the collective hum of a typical business day unfolds if you’re there at its start; second, you demonstrate to others that you are committed to your work and that you are executing your job with a seriousness and determination that any valued and valuable employee should; third, creating routine is healthy, both mentally and physically, and excellent for your general well-being.

Come in early! Hey, if you can, get to work 15 to 30 minutes early to take advantage of that “quiet” moment before your office hits its hectic pace. Coming in before others do might also give you the opportunity to sit down and go over emails, check out important business-related updates …and perhaps this “moment of peace” will allow you to tackle impending projects and challenges with a fresh perspective.

Sometimes offices develop their own internal rythms and "start" time might be earlier or later depending on tradition or for reasons of practicality (some West Coast companies who have clients on the East Coast have to start their days earlier due to time differences--likewise, some East Coast companies who deal mostly with West Coast clients are forced to adjust.) Observe and adapt! Whatever the case, when you're at the office for a full day you are helpful, informed and most importantly "there" when called on to lend a hand!

blah, blah, blah, KWA

Share Your Story of Corporate Success!

This is the post you've all been waiting for. If you have a minute or two this holiday week, jot down a couple of sentences in the "Comments" section about your personal tale of corporate success.

Times are tough, and that's why we're going through some tough times. Hopefully your story will help to encourage others.

K.W.A. and the FSRI

Frances Cole Jones's The WOW Factor

Hey, what's up. Whatever...

Just wanted you to know that I'm reviewing a book this week for the FSRI. It's Frances Cole Jones's The WOW Factor, The 33 Things You Must (and Must Not) Do to Guarantee Your Edge in Today's Business World (Ballantine). The FSRI offices received a copy in the mail, and I guess they needed someone to decide if it was worth a read.

First off, I want to let you know that I was excited to read the book because I thought it was gonna be about WOW (World of Warcraft) and not about business stuff. When I realized it wasn't about the game I was a little pissed off. Then I figured ...what the heck, I'll read it anyway. I never thought I'd say this, but after reading most of this book (the most important parts) I can say, without hesitation, that I completely recommend it. Here's why:

This Frances chick has laid it down. She, like, wrote about 33 things that can make you a better employee. Stuff like ...Look for Angels Wearing Overalls, The Six Layers of Why, Have a Thick Face, Keep Current Outside Your Comfort Zone ...and all kinds of suggestions like that. Now, I don't really know what this stuff means, but it sounds pretty cool. In fact, I'm thinking of using some of this stuff when I get a job ...I think early next year. Anyways... I'll give you my favorite and least favorite parts of this book.

FAVORITE: At the end of the book Frances drops some serious lines about how we should think about becoming successful. Here's some of them from her section "Don't Ask Permission" on page 174: "Every New Year's Eve, instead of picking a resolution for the year, I pick a motto: a mental bumper sticker that will exemplify how I will move through the world over the coming twelve months. Recently, that slogan was "Don't Ask Permission." It's no coincidence that with that slogan driving me, I sat down and wrote How to Wow."

How to Wow. Huh? I don't know how that fits in with a bumper sticker on her head saying "Don't Ask Permission" but it got her to do something important, and that's good enough for me.

LEAST FAVORITE: Her section on manners. On page 54 she starts getting "preachy" by saying all this stuff that you shouldn't do when working at a job. Here's a few examples:

1. "Wash your hair. Clean your nails." Sheesh, sounds like my mom!

2. "Political buttons, religious pins, Star Trek badges, etc., have their place, but not in interviews or during business occasions." Pleeeeeeease!!!!! If' I've got a rare Star Trek pin, I'm wearin' it, no matter what anybody says!

3. "Don't drink." What? Don't drink while working? Oh, come on! Give me Mountain Dew or give me death!

4. "Please do not wear your sunglasses, either on your face or on your head." Man, is this lady serious, or what? Reminds me of my old piano teacher.

So, there it is, my first frickin' book review for the FSRI. Happy now? I don't know if this helped you figure out if you want to buy it or not, but if you do, just be ready for hearing a bunch of stuff your mom might tell you. Which reminds me, I have to clean out the gutters sometime this week. We had some basement flooding during last week's rainstorm and she's all over me to make sure there's no leaves up there plugging things up. Sheeesh. Well, having the basement apartment puts this on the top of my list.

Out,

Decateur

Barbara Ehrenreich Attacks Positive Thinking!

In her new book, Barbara Ehrenreich goes for the jugular with the broad indictment against purveyors of positivism. The following is an excerpt taken from Amazon.com's product description:

"With the mythbusting powers for which she is acclaimed, Ehrenreich exposes the downside of America’s penchant for positive thinking: On a personal level, it leads to self-blame and a morbid preoccupation with stamping out “negative” thoughts. On a national level, it’s brought us an era of irrational optimism resulting in disaster. This is Ehrenreich at her provocative best—poking holes in conventional wisdom and faux science, and ending with a call for existential clarity and courage."

It's a sad day when an author exhibits such a poor sense of judgement. To attack optimism and hope is an act similar to driving a dagger into the heart of a puppy ...or, perhaps, a cuddly pink teddy bear!

As a measure of self-defense, the FSRI has decided to take a preemptive strike to counter the vituperative claims by this rogue scholar and to defend the institutional dogmas of Faking Smart! Not only does the FSRI, the FSIHL and K.W.A. consider the publication Ms. Ehrenreich's new book a threat to Faking Smart!, but we consider it a threat to the entire well-being and future of America!

If this country loses the belief that cancer can be cured by clowns, that God will reward prayer with wealth, that the stock market's rise and fall has an inverse relationship with the price of bauxite; that a career in corporate America is the best thing you could wish for ...why live at all? Ms. Ehrenreich, thanks a lot. NOT!

You can find an additional review of Ms. Ehrenreich's book at the Democracy Now! website.

FSRI CEO of the Week

Noted entrepreneur and founder of the AlphaTrust corporation, Bill Brice is this week's FSRI CEO of the Week.

Congratulations, Bill. On behalf of the FSRI and FSIHL, anybody with the title of CEO is, in our estimation, one BADASS MO-FO! Keep up the good work, and we wish you many more head-lining weeks to come. If you're curious and wish to learn more about Bill Brice click on this LINK.

KWA

UPDATE: FSRI Discovers Missing Phrase You Should Never Say to Your Boss!

After sifting through reams and reams of old tax returns, jury duty notices, medieval Bible printings and antiquated lunch receipts from Skipper's Fish House, we are happy to announce that we've found the 1oth, and final component, of the "Ten Things You Should Never Say to Your Boss" post.

Without further ado, here it is:

10. "There are moments when I see myself stepping up and lending my talents to this company. Then I think, ...what's the point?"

We here at the FSRI hope you enjoyed this phrase or "line" as much as we did. Now get out there and DON'T USE THIS LINE WHEN SPEAKING TO YOUR BOSS! Dire consequences await should you choose otherwise.

Thank you,

KWA

TEN THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO YOUR BOSS

After several hours of research and debate, the FSRI is proud to announce its new list for this fall season. While this list may not be complete, believe us when we say that we made every effort to make it as complete as we could. Any list less complete than the list provided below would have been deemed "insufficient" and tossed into the rubbish dumpster outside our back door. In the meantime, enjoy this list, and we hope this helps you to find success at your workplace.

Ten Things You Should Never Say to Your Boss:

1. "Again, ...why do they pay you more than me?"

2. "No, it's not that I don't like sales. It's just that I hate selling shit."

3. "Just so you know, nobody likes you."

4. "Can I get out of here early today? I'm just so tired of all this work."

5. "Maybe you should stick with slacks. Those kancles are off the hook!"

6. "That mustache does a nice job of hiding your sores."

7. "Hearing you talk is like listening to somebody sawing a trumpet."

8. "Great presentation! I particularly liked the part when I was asleep."

9. "This company sucks."

Good luck! We hope this was informative. Remember: the phrases listed above were considered phrases you SHOULDN'T use when addressing your superior. If you happen to let one slip, please don't blame us or mention the FSRI, our Faking Smart! blog or our website while in consultation with legal representation.

KWA

THIS GUY SURE KNOWS WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT

This guy knows how to read (look at all those books in the background), but his strength lies in his ability to talk. He could talk all day about all kinds of things, like batteries and networking, but this still won't necessarily land him a job. If you can, send him a note to "slow down!" Tell him that if he would listen a little bit instead of talking so much, he might be able to find a job. Let's wish him the best! Also, if you could, please send him a necktie.

This Woman Has Some Very Important Things to Tell You

This video will definitely help to answer some questions you may have about different business topics. If you work with her, please let her know you saw her on this blog! In the meantime, keep working and keep Faking Smart!

Watch live video from CAREEREALISM channel on Justin.tv
We're not sure who this Greg is, but he's clearly someone important. Nor does the FSRI have any idea what this "twittering" thing could be. If you know, please contact us!

ANTI ZOMBIE PATCH AVAILABLE

According to sources, this video describes an interesting development in Anti-Zombie technology:

We're not sure, but we here at the FSRI take this on faith, as we do most statistical data and anecdote.

Zombies are no good!

KWA

What Kind of Job Can You Get With Your Major?

As school begins anew this fall session, a lot of students are wondering just what kind of jobs they can expect to get once they gave graduated. The following is a brief rundown of what the FSRI is willing to tell you about what it knows.

If you graduate from a college or university you receive, in today's modern parlance, a degree (...in something.) This degree is also called a "major", for it refers to the major amount of work you've done studying a certain amount of stuff. This "stuff" you've been studying is supposed to make you more knowledgeable in a specific area of stuff, and presumably, this extra knowledge in this specific stuff will get you a job.

Here are different majors and the jobs they will get you:

SOCIOLOGY: Majoring is sociology is an excellent major in todays job market. Sociology majors land jobs in everything from online dating companies to events-planning outfits. Sociology majors know how to socialize. They can talk! And when they talk they're understood and appreciated for that very fact.

BIOLOGY: Many students today graduate with degrees in biology. Biology majors study life, and consequently know a lot more about it than most people. Biologist get excellent jobs in real estate, health services (...such as long-term care and dentistry) and TV station programming.

ENGLISH: As a popular major, English has let a lot of students down in the current market. English majors study how to read and write in English, and with the downturn in the newspaper market it is very hard to find gainful work. But don't worry...! If you're about to receive a degree in English,

you've got a jump start on anybody who doesn't know how to read and write! After a few introductory courses, medical billing is an ideal place for you to end up.

BUSINESS: As always, there's plenty of business going on around us, and obtaining a degree in business is one of the most lucrative and awesome things you can do. There's big business, small businesses, dirty business and business that is "...none of yours." If you graduate with a business degree you can earn top dollar in any of these sectors. If you get a degree in business, you

mean it! You can get down to brass tacks. You know what a ten dollar bill looks like. In other words, someone with a business degree knows what the deal is and is willing to go the extra mile to get it done.

PARTICLE PHYSICS: This degree was important back when our culture was studying the birth of the universe and the factors contributing to order from a chaos inefficiently defined by the boggling laws of cause and effect. It's no wonder, then, that particle physicists today have a low potential for well-paying work. If you get a degree in particle physics expect nothing better than working for home ion-allergy reducing machines, toothpaste development and window shade design.

EAST ASIAN STUDIES: This is a bad degree to hold. If you're about to graduate with a degree in East Asian studies, reconsider. Try and convince your advisor that you've been misled and want the full Asian studies major. The problem with East Asian studies is that it completely discounts the "real" Asia and all the cultural and economic impacts that this region implies. If there's no way out and you're stuck with this degree, simply erase or eliminate the "East" part when filling out a resume. If you present yourself with a full Asian degree you have a much better chance of working in a Thai food restaurant, a toy-making factory or the illicit honey trade.

COMPUTER SCIENCE: As anyone with a computer science degree will tell you: "computer science isn't rocket science." That's right ...when you're degree is in computer science, all it means is that you know how to turn on and off a computer, surf the web, send emails and let IT know when a system is down. This is a wonderful degree to have! Almost everywhere today, businesses have computers that need to be turned on and off, and at most of these companies they need someone to monitor their online presence. You can gain a highly lucrative career with a computer science degree in today's marketplace.

FAKING SMART!: If you get a degree in Faking Smart! you are ahead of the curve. If you get a degree in Faking Smart!, you've graduated from the FSIHL (Faking Smart! Institute of Higher Learning) and you future is only limited by the limits of your imagination. That's right, when you're Faking Smart! the world is your oyster, and you are the pearl buried within that soft protective inner flaccid organism. As thousands upon millions can attest, a degree in Faking Smart! can land you the career you think you should have. And that's what we're all about. Fall semester has already started here at the FSIHL, but don't worry ...you can apply online with only a name and a credit card! (Currently, our system is down. We will notify you on this blog when our online application process is up and running.)

We hope this post was helpful in planning your career. Remember, if you get a degree from a conventional university or college, don't expect much.

K.W.A.

OFFICE SMALL TALK - CHATTING YOUR WAY UP THE CORPORATE LADDER

A recent post on CNN's career advice section discussed the idea of how small talk can help you with your career. We here at the FSRI were excited to add to and improve on this advice.

First off, when we say "small talk" here at the FSRI corporate offices, we mean "BIG TALK." Big talk is in effect "small talk" with big dividends. When you find yourself in a situation where you are waiting for a meeting to begin ...or where a group of your colleagues have assembled before assigning teams for the afternoon polo match, knowing how to small talk may be just the technique that helps you to leverage that big corporate deal somewhere down the line.

Anything is game during small talk EXCEPT these taboo topics: neveer mention cannibalism, Jupiter's orbiting moon, Ganymede, or the time and place where you think you lost your virginity.

Here are some tips to remember:

Talk about what you know:

To start a conversation mention things like the testing procedures for STDs, how dirty your home or apartment bathroom is, or with whom you are currently cheating on.

Listen:

When other people attempt small talk show them you're paying attention. Laugh out loud and throw your head back at whatever comment is mentioned. Look the person who is talking right in the eye and grit your teeth.

Be personal:

When someone else is talking, reach out for the back part of his or her arm and rub it affectionately. If you feel comfortable, push any hair out of his or her eyes and cup their cheeks with the palm of your hand.

Initiate conversation:

If the group is standing around uncomfortably, start the conversation with a little ice-breaking humor. Shout out that everybody should listen to you, then say "Boy!, all of us work for this company? Then you all must be a dumb as I am!" This is sure to get a laugh and start thing rolling.

Remember, small talk is BIG TALK, and anybody can do it. Follow these important FSRI-approved steps (...avoiding the above-mentioned taboo topics) and you're sure to make a lasting impression!

K.W.A.

DRAWING SHOWS SOLUTION TO GLOBAL WARMING

If this primitive illustration is correct, the solution to reduction of greenhouse gasses may be as simple as learning how to consume them!

Decateur's Weekly Business Roundup

Hey, all ...whatever.

I know, I know, you've all been wondering where I've been. And no, it isn't because the FSRI fired me or anything. I haven't been writing my weekly column here because I've been living in an alternate world off and on for the last several months.

Why am I spending a lot of time in an alternate world, you may ask? It's because it's way cooler there, and I don't have to stress about stuff like feeling nervous when talking to women ...or getting flack from my mom about finding a steady job. When I'm in my alternate world I can be who I really am, absent the prejudices and constraints that our society imposes on us.

Which brings me to my new column that K.W.A. has permitted me to write this week: The World of Warcraft Weekly Business Roundup.

For everybody under level 30: I'm looking for a strong showing in tin and copper bars this week. I'm looking for tin to ceiling out at 8 gold pieces for a 20 bar buyout (...yes, you heard my right), and for copper to sneak up to 5 gps per 20 bar bundle by mid-afternoon on Friday. But don't hang on too long. Try to dump and take your profit by 6 p.m. because it's all going to tank after that.

After a bit of profit-taking go straight into steel. That's right, I see steel on the move and peaking by Saturday p.m. That's when everybody and their brother is gonna be crafting armor for Saturday night and Sunday instances. Ride that gravy train and cash in. Even if you can't afford a full 20 bar bundle, get your hands on as much as you can and you'll be grinning by the end of the weekend.

As for magical gear ...stay away. If it's as hot near you as it is here, magic and enchanted items are a dud. Wizards hate the heat. This goes for all players--no matter what level.

That's it for now,

Decateur

KWA and FSRI Reveals official "Glitch" in Speedcat Blogging Software

In an effort to undo any and all misinformation regarding the recent debacle regarding the fecundity of remarks left by KWA and the FSRI, on Speedcat Holydale's latest post (a post posted on his site on this day on July of 2009), the FSRI has decided to articulate an appropriate and legally binding rebuttal. It runs as thus:

Dear Speedcat,

On the part of the FSRI and Karl Wolfbrooks Ager, we wish to extend an apology for any inconvenience this problem in your blogging software might have caused for readers of your daily column. It is never fun to see a comment repeated, let alone a comment as pithy as one generated from our automated blogging post response division. Please remedy this "glitch" at your soonest convenience.

From all of us here at the FSRI,

the best...

(...and we hope you're feeling better after your contraction of the "Wilbur Fugue.")

FSRI NEARS PUBLICATION OF NEW BOOK

The FSRI and K.W.A. are nearing the final stages of publishing a book on the acclaimed and controversial Faking Smart! Six-Week Program. While an exact publication date is, of yet, uncertain, we know with relative certainty that this book, containing the dangerous and subversive theories of Faking Smart!, will be available sometime in the near future (...and when we say "near" we mean, perhaps, some weeks or months from now.)

How controversial is this book?

This book is so controversial that prestigious universities around the world have refused to consider including it in their undergraduate and graduate business curriculums.

Where can I buy a copy of this book?

You can't buy a copy of this book -- yet. Once it is officially published, however, either through a giant, well-funded and handsomely author-compensating publishing house or through our own FSRI press, we will be sure to let you know when it is available.

Can I really become a VP in six weeks?

If you buy this book and follow the instructions provided, yes, you will become a VP. It says "guaranteed" on the cover, doesn't it?

Is this book a video game or an MP3 file?

No, this book is a book that you open and read. When you are done reading it you close it and stick it back on a bookshelf next to other books.

Should I buy this book if I'm already a VP?

Even if you are currently a VP, you should still buy this book. Before reading it, however, we encourage you to quit your current job to insure that you begin the Faking Smart! Six-Week Program with a fresh perspective. Once you've completed the six-week program you will, again, be a VP, only this time you'll have achieved your position by Faking Smart!

Thank you,

K.W.A.

Surviving an Office Romance

“Propinquity may lead you into temptation.” The definition of “propinquity” is to be close to someone—in proximity—and what better place is there for this to occur than in an office environment? Work can, at times, call for intimate collaboration between coworkers as proposals approach midnight deadlines, presentations are outlined through tense and excitable conditions and projects are coordinated under secrecy and intrigue. We’ve all been there. Many times it’s only a matter of inches that separates a professional association from an outpouring of passion, (…or a slap in the face.) Most of the time one acts with restraint and professionalism, but sometimes rationality decides to break for lunch and, for better or worse, a romance is born.

While an office romance may seem exciting and adventurous, the thing you should be thinking of most is how this new relationship will affect your co-workers. If you relationship has advanced to the stage of PDAs (public displays of affection), it may be worth your while to know that others may find this practice annoying, if not disruptive and vulgar. Beyond the simple envy, jealousy and nausea your relationship may elicit, there are other degrees of fallout to your burgeoning office affair. While shrouded in the fog of love and lust, you may not realize it, but others may see your relationship as a shifting of the office’s political landscape with new blocks and alliances taking shape necessitating new avenues for diplomacy and maneuvering. If your adventure leads you into the arms of a “higher up,” the anxieties of your coworkers may be compounded and find expression in neuroses, paranoia and panic. At the time, you may be oblivious to these collective fears, but if you try to put yourself in the shoes of one of your team members—empathize—you’ll understand that their consternation is not without merit.

Here’s a basic way to look at things, if you find yourself in the middle of an office romance ask yourself this question: which is more important to you, your job or the relationship? If you decide that your job is more important than the relationship, then think about removing yourself from this lustful dalliance as quickly as possible. (Ideally, you should have avoided this situation at the start, and hopefully it’s not too late to avoid substantial harm.) In truth, this admission reveals the fundamental weakness of any hope for a long-term relationship, and rather than inflict pain and suffering on your immediate love interest (as well as your team), make the more mature decision and try to find external, outside-of-work outlets to satisfy your sexual energies. If you decide that your romantic relationship is more important than your job, then a different set of variables lies before you. If your instincts are reliable and you know a good thing when you see it, for your own sake and that of others, avoid the mistake many have made by attempting to grow the relationship “in-house” and work out between the two of you who is better positioned to leave the company and who has more advantages in staying. This is what may be considered a rational, adult conversation, and it takes into consideration the thoughts and realities of being romantically involved in a tight-knit work community. This may serve the interests of your coworkers and team, but it may come to benefit your own interests as well. In some ways, work can create undue pressures and strain on a relationship. The healthier option is often to keep home life and work life separate.

Whatever your situation, remember to tread carefully when the potential for an office romance introduces itself. While it is easy to forget what the repercussions may be, keeping a cool head will serve you in the long run. We all look for and desire that special someone to spend time with …to grow with and share important times of our lives. This is a universal truth. But there is a time and a place for everything, and you must ask yourself if the disruption imposed by an office romance is worth the trouble it may create for you and those you work with.

BE HEATHLY AT WORK-EAT RIGHT AND EXERCISE!

There is an old axiom in the computer field: garbage in, garbage out. If you throw bad information into a computer program, you’re likely to get bad information back. Likewise, in your life, if you’re overdoing it with junk food, stimulants (energy drinks, cigarettes, etc…) and alcohol you are destined to wind up unemployed, unloved, depressed and possibly dead. If your not throwing out sell orders on the floor of the stock exchange, you have no excuse for running yourself into the dirt, so do what you can to modify your diet to include plenty of fruits and vegetables, reduce the amount of red meat you eat and keep your intake of alcohol and tobacco to a minimum. (“Everything in moderation,” runs the saying.)

As far as exercising goes, try to get in 4, 20-25 minute sessions of aerobic training per week. This is a perfect amount to keep you sprite and spry and on your toes. If your are the kind of person that finds it excruciating to strap on a pair of running shoes and hit the road, maybe being wired to an iPod while dominating an orbital is more your gig? Membership in a gym, with its professional environment geared toward physical fitness, might be exactly what you need to give you that extra kick in the shorts. Don’t forget, exercise can be a group activity as well, with many organizations in your community advocating different types of active recreation. Join a bike club. Join a ski club. Join a swimming club. Join a hiking club!

Why go to these lengths? To be clear, it’s no exaggeration that a sound body promotes a sound mind, and mental clarity and focus is key in becoming a successful person both at work and away from it. It’s all about balance, and with a little self-discipline in terms of what you put in your body and how active you are with it, you are laying the groundwork for achieving whatever it is you put your mind to.

Your Resume - Grabbing an Employer's Attention

How many times have you sent out an application for a job and not received a response? Well, the reason for this may be that your resume was too small.

It's true, most resumes today are sent over the internets in tiny, microscopic digital code, with data so delicate and frail that they immediately turn to vapor after being "sent" out into the global information maelstrom. This is a sad, yet real problem, and millions of job-seekers suffer the same plight.

The FSRI has devised a fail-proof solution to this common dilemma:

CREATE THE BIGGEST RESUME EVER!

...And when we say "the biggest", we mean THE BIGGEST! Just as the Great Wall of China and the Hoover Dam can be viewed from space, so should your resume. Find a large tract (say 100 sq miles, or so) of corn or wheat field in any of the Mid-Western states and get to work. Start up the combine and carve your resume into the great swaths of the North American bread basket! When you're done, track your resume down on Google Earth or MSN's TerraServer and then send the link to the companies you like and watch as the job offers pour in! Who knows, with any luck you may even get an interstellar-passerby to shoot you a response!

"Think big," advises the FSRI. "The bigger your resume, the bigger your chances are in getting the job!"

Getting a Job - Make that Company Find You!

Here are some steadfast tips from the FSRI on how to obtain employment under today's tumultuous economic conditions. Over the next couple of weeks we'll re-cap some of the proven ways for prospective employees to stake their claim in an increasingly difficult job market.

Remember, when you are looking for a job you are competing with millions of other job-seekers. Take a different route and make that company to find you!

Here is one way to achieve it:

Coordinate and hold a job fair!

Everyone knows that a standard method for employers to find employees is to meet over the neutral ground of a job fair. In YOUR job fair, however, you take center stage. Come up with a glossy pamphlet outlining the annual AAHA (Association for the Advancement of Hireable Applicants) job fair to take place in your local town or city. (You might want to create a website to support this event.) Then, send your pamphlets out to Fortune 100 companies with the event specifics: dates and location, directions, etc... On that morning, before the fair is to begin, set up your "reception" desk (with plenty of extra resumes to go around) in the middle of the conference room floor. When the fair begins watch how these corporate recruiters descend on you, the only job-seeker present, like vultures. None of these representatives wish to return home with empty hands! Be mindful, however, of the position you finally accept. If you are offered a chemical engineering position at "corporation X", for example, you might want to be sure that your background and education suits such a job description.

Good luck and keep a positive attitude. Remember, this is a job you're trying to get and the repercussions may involve hours, weeks, months and years of commitment and hard work. If your up to the task, you're exactly where you need to be!

FSRI

Some Cost-Cutting Office Measures

Here are some FSRI suggestions on how to cut office expenses during this economic duress. The following is a recent memo we sent to one of our many FSRI customer service offices:

Due to current economic exigencies, the operations team, after cursory review, has concluded that a number of services provided to your floor personnel will be either reduced or fully eliminated. Effective tomorrow:

1. No more heating will be provided to the main floor room. Encourage employees to dress in layers (wool is effective), wear hats and to take a quick laps around the office if an increase body 

temperature is necessary.
2. To conserve on electricity and water usage, bathrooms will be off limits to floor personnel. For this to work discourage the drinking of beverages during office hours—especially coffee! (In fact we recommend a complete ban of coffee on the floor to help accommodate this change.) If an employee absolutely needs to use the toilet, suggest that they use a peanut butter jar or use allotted break time to leave the building and seek a public facility nearby.

3. All water coolers will be converted to “recycled” water coolers. The bottoms of the cooler bottles will be cut open to allow water not completely consumed by personnel to be re-added to the existing bottle.
4. All lights (excluding manager's lights) will be turned off during business hours. Personnel will be required to bring a flashlight or battery powered lantern, or other suitable, approved lighting apparatuses to their workstations. Overhead lighting WILL be provided ten minutes before opening and ten minutes before closing, to safely illuminate walkways and to ensure employees find their seats.
5. All employees will be required to purchase and utilize their own computer systems. IT will assist in setting up and connecting these systems with the compa

ny-wide network. If, however, an “outside” computer has been connected with the internal company network, this computer must remain on company grounds. This policy is a security measure to avoid accidental intelligence leaks to outside interests.
6. Printers will be disconnected and disabled. Insist that, from now on, all copies will be hand written.
7. All stock office materials, i.e. pens, paper, paperclips etc… must be purchased and provide by personnel. Any existing stock will be removed and donated to the humane society.
The break room will be locked and off limits during business hours. Its purpose will be reserved exclusively for employee interrogations.