Decateur's Weekly Business Roundup

Hey, what's up.  How's it been hanging?
Eh, whatever...

I know, I know...  You're frustrated and scared.  Right now the Euro Zone is in fiscal paralysis with Greece, Ireland and Portugal struggling with insolvancy, Asian equities markets are in a tailspin over global economic anxieties and the U.S. unemployment figures indicate that all the talk of recovery was nothing but pie-in-the-sky hogwash.  If this is true and we are approaching a period of extended negative growth (the big "double dip"), there is only one thing to do...  sit back and chill, for gosh sakes!

Sure, there's a lot of things to worry about right now, but let's look at the bigger picture.  At the beginning of summer I was in pretty deep.  My mom was complaining that I hadn't been paying rent on time (which is only partially true) and that she was tired of seeing oil drips on the driveway from my 92' Taurus.  (I needed a new pan gasket, but whatever...)  Yes, money was lean at the time.  It had been a rainy spring and my lawnmower wasn't powerful enough to handle real heavy grass... so I was stuck.  I was depressed and basically shut myself in my room and played World of Warcraft for about two weeks straight.  One morning I came upstairs and noticed that it was pretty good mowing weather.  I made a few calls and bingo!, I was back in the game!

I called the Wilsons, the Everetts, the Boehms and the Allens (my stand-bys), and the next thing you know I'm booked solid for a week.  After a few days I had real money in my pocket and I wasn't about let it go to waste on car repairs and rent.  I got smart!

Using my mom's printer I printed up about 20 flyers and had my neighbor run around the neighborhood rubber-banding them to different door handles.  Elliot is like 13 or 14.  Good kid, but a little dim.  Anyway,  next thing you know I start getting calls - tons of calls! - I get like five more jobs locked in and my worries are basically over.  Recession-smession!  Here's the math for an average yard in our neighborhood:

COSTS:
2 Gallons of gas (average amount to run mower per yard) $7.25
8 oz. oil (1/4 a quart Pennzoil) $.75
Elliot's pay (he bags the grass and cleans the mower blade and air filter @ $2.00/hr) $4.50
TOTAL COSTS: $12.50
FEE CHARGED: $35.00
TOTAL EARNED: $22.50

You don't have to be an Einstein to see where this is going, do you.  Anyway, I'm sitting pretty good right now, regardless.  I almost got my rent paid through August and I started parking my car on the street where it won't drip oil on the driveway.  I guess what I'm saying here, is that with a little hard work anybody can get by, even in this economy.  Sometimes you gotta pull yourself up by your bootstraps, as they say.  It's all about initiative and drive...

Thanks everybody.  My next project, for those who are interested, is starting a gutter cleaning side business.  Elliot's really good at it, and all I have to do it direct him from the ground.  Thing is, he's back in school in September, so I have to see how much we can get done before he starts soccer practice.

Thanks... whatever,
-Decateur

Decateur's Weekly Business Roundup to Appear Friday

Lillehammer, Norway - The FSRI has announce that Decateur Thoms will be delivering his weekly business roundup at the end of the current week.  Maybe friday.  Rumors are circulating that Mr. Thoms, chief Business Pundit at the FSRI, will announce some radical analysis of today's business ongoings.

At the time of the writing of this article, neither Decateur nor the FSRI were unavailable for comment.

Diagram of Dr. Ager's Cryogenic Cave

High up in the Cascades the FSRI designed a fail-safe way for me to be frozen for my journey into the future.  Here is a rudimentary illustration of how this was accomplished.

TEN THINGS I'll MISS AFTER WAKING UP FIVE YEARS IN THE FUTURE

As you well know, I'm freezing myself this Friday and I'll be sleeping in this cryogenic state for five years whereupon I'll be "reawakened" to continue to live my life as I do today, but five years later.  This "sleep" will seem like a short nap to me.


Anyway, as my journey begins I started wondering what I would miss when I awaken half a decade from now.  My thought experiment required that I come up with ten things that are around today that most likely won't be around when I wake up.  Here they are:


1.  My subscriptions to "Popular Science", "Better Homes and Gardens", "Wired" and "Men's Health" magazines.  (These subscriptions will not be paid during my absence.)
2.  Facebook.  (At least nobody will be using it.)
3.  The half-used tub of sour cream I bought last week.
4.  Pickle, my neighbor's 17-year-old labrador retriever.
5.  The duct tape wallet.
6.  The 2012 Summer Olympics.
7.  Bananas.
8.  Permafrost.
9.  Tuna.
10.  The Pontiac Fiero.


Thank you,
KWA

AGER TO FREEZE SELF, AWAKEN FIVE YEARS IN FUTURE

KARL WOLFBROOKS AGER

Kortrijk, Belgium - In a brief press conference today in front of the Belgium headquarters of the FSRI (Faking Smart! Research Institute), Karl Wolfbrooks Ager, founder and CEO of the FSRI and award-winning author of Faking Smart!: Get Hired, Get Promoted and Become a V.P. in Six Short Weeks - GUARANTEED! gave a brief statement indicating he will step down from overseeing the the daily operations of the FSRI while he goes on sabbatical.  Dr. Ager's full official statement is given below:

I want to thank everyone who has made the past fiscal year at the FSRI and FSIHL one of immeasurable success.  Without the hard work from our staff and students our venerable institutions would never have attained the global status and profitability that Faking Smart! enjoys today.  Thank you all!  And thank you, Jenny, for sweeping up the spilled bag of Cheetos somebody "forgot" to clean up in the physics lab last Wednesday.


Anyway... you are probably wondering why I've called for this press conference, and you are no doubt wondering if I'll be attending this year's FSRI/FSIHL July 4th Independence Day cookout?  To the second part of your question I'll answer by saying "Do not fear, I will be attending the cookout."  As to the first part of the question... this is where things get a little tricky.  The reason I'm calling this press conference is to state my decision to step down from overseeing the daily operations of the FSRI for exactly five years time.  In my stead, for that five year period, Harry Jankowskowitz will serve as acting CEO.  I hope you welcome him and make him feel at home.  Thank you, Harry.

Harry Jankowskowitz, Acting CEO

Why am I stepping down?  The answer is simple.  I have come to the conclusion that I am in no way interested in living in our current time.  This may be shocking to some, but I say it with utmost sincerity.  I have decided that I, in the middle of the month, on the 15th of July 2011, will enter into a cryogenic sleep-state in our prototype FSRI Dreamtank™ facilitated by the FSRI's Cryogenic Science Division.  This state of hibernation will last for a period of five years whereupon I will be reanimated and join with our future civilization.  The entire process will seem to me as nought but an extended nap.  I am assured that when I awaken five years hence that I'll be no more aware of my extended somnolence than I am after my late-afternoon toddy-induced snooze.  In other words, in a mere snap of a finger I'll arrive in the future!  Which brings me to my next announcement.


While on my voyage to the future I'm told by our scientists that my brain wave activity will be drastically reduced.  But not completely!  Therefore, I'm am a willing participant in a pioneering study that will involve the implanting of a micro-computer transmission chip in my brain so that I can maintain basic communication with the outside world.  In conjunction with this chip I'll be posting my insights into the future via a new twitter account @fakingsmart where my reflections on our future world will be broadcast for all to see.  Because of my quick leap in time I feel it incumbent to share my knowledge with those eager to learn what our future has in store.  In other words, I'll be tweeting from the future!


Again, this move may come as a surprise to many of you here at the FSRI and FSIHL.  But I'm doing what I feel has to be done.  It's not that I'm bored with our world as it is...  It's simply that I desire to see the future sooner than it takes to wait around for it.  I hope you understand this and permit me my eccentricities.  Take care, and I'll see you in five years!


KWA


(Any written correspondences should be sent to my current address FIVE YEARS LATER, due to the fact that I will be sleeping until then.  Once I am fully awoken and cognizant of my temporal displacement I'll do my best to respond.  If you reply to my tweets I can't guarantee that I'll get back to you right away.  I have no idea how this is going to work, and I'd rather not make any unreasonable promises at this time.)

Ager Set to Make Announcement Thursday Night

Kortrijk, Belgium -- In a surprise move today, Karl Wolfbrooks Ager has announced that he will be making a statement to the world Thursday night.  The subject of the statement is unknown and neither Karl Wolfbrooks Ager nor the FSRI has provided any further details.

The FSRI Hopes You Had a Nice Weekend...

We know that it's nearing the Holiday weekend, but don't get too lazy yet!  (Just joking...)  This is a reminder to be sure all safety precautions are being followed when working with any FSRI heavy equipment and that you are monitoring oxygen levels during any and all FSRI deep mining excavation.


Cheers, and have a nice day!


KWA