Men - Last Minute Gift Ideas For That Special Woman in Your Life...

Men, if time is running out and you need to make a quick decision on what gift you should buy for that special woman in your life... here are a number of suggestions to help make your quest a little bit easier.

Here are ten gift ideas that are sure to raise the eyebrows of your significant other!


1.  Puppy
2.  ShamWow
3.  Garden Weasel
4.  Chia Pet
5.  Cubic Zirconia Ring!
6.  Lincoln Mint Commemorative Elvis Presley Plate
7.  Foot Spa
8.  Solar L.E.D. Cross
9.  Snuggie
10.  Audubon Bird Clock


Ta-da!  So, quit stalling and run to your nearest retailer and... get 'er done!


KWA

Ladies - Last Minute Gift Ideas for That Special Man in Your Life...

Ladies, if you're running short on time and you're in a panic to get your significant other that "special" gift that he will remember you by, then take a deep breath and don't stress it!  Here are ten easy-to-buy, affordable gifts that are sure to please...!


1.  Shaving Cream
2.  Shampoo
3.  Wart Remover Kit
4.  Band Saw
5.  Drill Press
6.  Tire Mounting Machine
7.  Pornography
8.  Assault Rifle
9.  Super Bowl Tickets
10.  Mini Bike


There, you have it!  Now, get out there and buy your guy a gift and don't let the Holidays get you down!


KWA

The FSRI's "CEO of the Year Award" goes to....

Tom Spinner, CEO of Widget Technologies Inc.

Congratulations, Tom!  Way to go!

For information on Tom, please visit his site at www.widgettech.com

KWA's TIP FOR THE DAY #9 - CREATE YOUR OWN EXECUTIVE PARKING SPACE!

How many times have you arrived late to work and the only free parking space you can find is in a "remote" parking lot a mile away?  Not only do you have to suffer the shame of parking in a different time zone, but walking this distance makes you even later to work than you might have been had you your own EXECUTIVE parking space.


The answer to your problem: CREATE YOUR OWN EXECUTIVE PARKING SPACE!


You only need two things to do this: a can of white spray paint and a stencil kit with six inch lettering.


During a weekend, when few people are around, go to your workplace and find a nice free (and close!) parking space (one that isn't reserved for executives or for those with disabilities), then take your stencil out and use your spray paint to write "RESERVED" in large capital letters on the pavement or asphalt at the front of the space.  Hang around for an hour or so (to allow the paint to dry) then, when you come to work the following monday, this parking space is sure to be free - FOR YOU!





If you have a white car then this plan is doubly cool!  With the paint you have left over, use it to touch up any dings, chips or scrapes!




Good luck!
KWA

JANKOWSKOWITZ SENDS SEASONS GREETINGS TO FSRI AND FSIHL!

Harry Jankowskowitz, a business employee and user of one of the many Faking Smart! programs, sends his best wishes to the FSRI and the FSIHL.

THANKS HARRY!

FSRI Announces Author of the Year Award for 2011 (One Month Early)

Bern, Switzerland - In a press conference today the FSRI (Faking Smart! Research Institute) announced the recipient of the FSRI Author of the Year Award for 2011.  The winner of next year's prize will be Karl Wolfbrooks Ager Ph.D. (hon.).

At the time of the writing of this article, Karl Wolfbrooks Ager was unavailable for comment.

FSRI CAFETERIA MENU FOR 29th Nov. - 3rd Dec.

The post is to clarify any misinformation given about the coming week's FSRI cafeteria menu.  The following will be served all week - no exceptions.

BREAKFAST:
Turkey omelet, containing egg, turkey, turkey liver and turkey skin.
Served with small glass of orange juice or water.
$11.99

LUNCH:
Pulled turkey meat on hotdog bun.  Side of crescent roll or piece of unfilled pie crust.
Served with small glass of water.
$14.99

DINNER:
Twice-baked turkey breast slice.  Side of cold turkey fat or potato skin.
Served with can of Coke or glass of water.
$16.49

Thank you, and have a pleasant and productive week...

KWA

Happy Thanksgiving! - A Word From Karl Wolfbrooks Ager

Once again it's that time of year when we call up our loved ones and friends and invite them to share our good fortune and bounty together at the dinner table.  It is a time to remember good memories and a time to hope for more good memories to come.  It is also a time when we conjure feelings of remorse, bitterness and resentment and a time to suffer from indigestion.  It's also a time for murder.  Sometimes...


I guess that what I'm trying to say is that Thanksgiving should be regarded with a degree of skepticism.  Yes, there are times when we should be thankful that we have what we have ..but can't we do that on our own time, like just before we jump into bed or just after our swim in our private lagoon ..after we receive our morning massage?


Personally, I don't care much for "group" gatherings.  They give me the chills.  The last time I held a "collective" dinner someone wound up dead and the investigation is still pending.  Murder is no way to celebrate gratitude, I say!


What I should be saying here is that Turkey is becoming increasingly expensive.  Turkeys are also becoming larger in size and they are taking much longer to cook.  This means that your guests have to suffer through much longer periods of awkward conversation and aberrant laughter.  Football is a fool's last refuge...  And during Thanksgiving, there's a fool on every couch!


That said, Spinoza and I wish you all a pleasant Holliday reprieve, and best of luck!  We will be enjoying our Thanksgiving at our Bern, Switzerland FSRI offices and welcome all who wish to drop by!


ATTN: all FSRI employees are required to work overtime on Friday as per contractual agreement.


Thank you,
KWA

KWA's TIP FOR THE DAY #8 - THINGS TO DO ON YOUR COFFEE BREAK

So, you're sitting at your desk and staring at your computer and you find yourself scrolling through an endless series of useless PDF files, all of which appear menacingly similar.  Your coworker is sniffling away with a cold in the cubicle next to yours.  Lunch or quitting time is just too far off to be of significance.  You need to get out of the office for a few minutes and take in some fresh air.  You need a coffee break!

As you thrust your way out of the office, like a blind, drooling and panicked zombie, you realize that you are a business person (...and a multi-tasking business person at that!) and that getting a coffee just isn't enough.  To feel satisfied, you need to accomplish something else on your break and here are a number of things you can do to make your 15 minute diversion feel productive.

While on your coffee break, why not:

1.  Call your stockbroker and place a buy order?


2.  Call and break up with a lover?


3.  Find the hat store around the corner and try on a cowboy hat?


4.  Find a patch of grass and sit in it?


5.  Scan the headlines at a newspaper stand?


6.  Surf the web on your phone?


7.  Write a short poem?


8.  Think about what you're going to do next month?


9.  Email on old high school friend?


10.  Strike up a conversation with a stranger?

Good luck!

KWA

KWA's TIP OF THE DAY #7 - CREATING A BUSINESS CARD

If you work for a business, are in business for yourself or are planning on going into business for yourself, here is a piece of advice that is sure to get you up to speed in today's fast-paced business climate.  Create a business card!  When you create a business card be sure to include your name, your contact information and what it is that you do.


If you have your own business card you can give it to:

1.  OTHER BUSINESS PEOPLE


 2.  YOUR PARENTS


 3.  YOUR FRIEND


4.  SOMEONE YOU MEET AT A BAR


5.  THAT BOWL IN THE CAFE WHERE YOU CAN WIN A FREE LUNCH


Good luck!


KWA

KWA's TIP OF THE DAY #6 - HOW TO EXECUTE A SUCCESSFUL CORPORATE TAKEOVER

A lot of people ask me: "I'm thinking about getting into corporate raiding.  How do I pull this off successfully?"


It's a good question and it merits a good answer.  Here's what I say to all the people who approach me with this very concern:


1. Offer $5 over the share price for a controlling share of company stock.
2. Acquire the company.
3. Fire the board of directors.  Then rehire all but one of them.
4. Have the board fire 1/2 the company personnel.
5. Wait for stock price to rise (1/2 year).
6. Unload company.
7. Make a billion dollars!


Good luck!
KWA

KWA's TIP OF THE DAY #5 - HOW TO ANSWER THE PHONE

People often come up to me and ask me this question: "When I get a phone call at work, how do I answer it?"

While many find this question silly (..jeeesh, you'd just answer the call like you always would), there are many who struggle with this problem ..so much so that when calls come in to their office stations they become paralyzed with fear and indecision.  Becoming familiar with a few easy to remember "pick-up" lines can help to reduce those apprehensions and make answering the phone while at work a routine, if not enjoyable, diversion.

Here are ten easy lines to use when your phone rings and you have to answer it:

1.  "Good morning!  How's the weather our there?"

2.  "Hey, what's your problem?"

3.  "Leave me alone.  Just kidding!  ..I love people."

4.  "Who gave you this number? .. And how can I help you?"

5.  "Hello, and thanks for calling.  Make it quick, would ya?"

6.  "What now?"

7.  "Hi, my name is ________ .  Thanks for calling __________ .  How can I ________ help you?"

8.  "Thanks for calling.  Can I put you on hold?"

9.  "Hello.  What's up?  Forgot what an email is, I take it?"

10.  "Hi.  My name is _______ .  You have exactly two seconds to ask your question.  ...Bye."

Try them all!  And good luck!

KWA

DO YOU KNOW WHO THIS MAN IS?

NOTICE: FALSE INFORMATION PROVIDED IN PREVIOUS POST

IN THE INTEREST OF ALL WHO READ AND FOLLOWED THE DIRECTIONS GIVEN IN THE PREVIOUS FSRI POST, THE FSRI WISHES TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT AN ERROR WAS MADE.  PLEASE MAKE NOTE OF THE FOLLOWING CORRECTION:

On Sunday, November 7, 2010 at 2 a.m., you were instructed to set your clocks forward one hour in recognition of the conclusion of Daylight Savings Time.  This information was wrong.  What you should have done was set your clocks BACK one hour, not forward.


We now request that all readers of this updated post set their clocks back TWO hours to account for the misleading information provided in the previous post.  In other words, if you read this post at 7:00 a.m., the actual time you are reading this post is 5:00 a.m., and you should adjust your clocks accordingly.  If, however, you find yourself reading this post at 9:00 a.m., then you're really reading it at 7:00 a.m. and need not worry.


It's not that complicated, really..  What we're trying to make clear is that, if you followed the previous post's instructions and moved your clocks ahead by one hour, then all your clocks are off (..not telling the correct time) and that you should fix this.  If you're still now sure about what to do, return to the top of this post and re-read it until its contents are fully understood.


THANK YOU AND HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY,
THE FSRI

REMEMBER TO MOVE YOUR CLOCKS FORWARD ONE HOUR SUNDAY MORNING

To all employees and staff at the FSRI and FSIHL:


On Sunday, November 7, 2010 at 2 a.m., Daylight Savings Time ends in the United States.  Please remember to set your clocks forward one hour.


KWA

KWA's TIP OF THE DAY #4 - BATTLING A COLD WHILE AT WORK

It starts with a little sniffle, then your skin gets clammy and then your head starts to get stuffed up.  Soon enough, you nose is running full bore and you're pulling tissues out of the tissue box like there's no tomorrow.  When people look at you they express sympathy and horror.  Some even turn and run away when you approach.  That's right, you've got a cold - the veritable crud - and you've got a thousand things to do at your office today and can't possibly let it get in your way.

With autumn in full swing and winter coming on, your bound to wind up with a cold sooner or later.  Preparing for this inevitability should be at the top of your list.  What to do...?

-After years of research in our Cold and Flu Laboratory at the FSRI, we've made a startling discovery: there's nothing, really, that you can do to avoid catching a cold (apart from completely isolating yourself from human contact).  If you are unlucky and do catch a cold, be sure to stay warm, drink fluids and relax.  Some say that taking vitamin C is a good way of staving off the symptoms.  This probably hasn't been totally proven, though.

If you do catch a cold, eat some chicken soup and in a few days you should be better.

KWA

DECATEUR'S POST ELECTION ANALYSIS

Hey, what's up?  Whatever...

So, you've probably noticed that there was an election last night, and that a lot of people were either voted in or out of office based how much they were liked or disliked.  This is what is called "mid-term" elections (I believe),  because it happens in the middle of a congressional term, or something like that.  Thousands of people vote on this day to decide where the country is headed and how we're going to get there.  Some voters are angry with the way things are; other voters aren't.  Either way, a lot of votes are cast and in the end (as far as I'm concerned) nothing changes and everything goes back to the way it always is.

Who cares...?  I don't.  What I do care about is that I'm already behind on my rent and my mom is starting to breathe down my neck.  She gave me till next weekend, so that's cool.  But still...  Give me a break, Mom?  I mean, I'm living in the basement, and who else would you get to live here?  And, for your info, I've got two leaf-raking jobs lined up on Saturday, so money is not a problem.

Sheeesh!

Anyway, my main goal this month is to save up for World of Warcraft's expansion kit that comes out early next month.  Totally rad.  CATACLYSM.  New max level at 85.  Two new races.  This will set me up through January, for sure.

-out
Decateur

KWA's TIP OF THE DAY #3 - USING YOUR BREAK ROOM REFRIGERATOR

Halloween is over.  The weather has turned suddenly cooler and the Holidays are close at hand.  As you stand in your slippers in front of your refrigerator at home and look into that wasteland of expired condiment bottles, jars of ancient preserves and any number of plastic containers of indecipherable (and clearly noxious and spoiled) foodstuffs, you wonder how you're going to find room for all the new delicacies your friends and relatives are about to give you?  It's a hassle to clean them all.  It's also a hassle figure out where to put the containers once they're cleaned!  No worries.  Here's what you do...

-First off, take the items in your refrigerator that you haven't used in more than two years and push them all to one side.  The next morning, before you leave for work, place that jar of eight-year-old capers in your briefcase or purse and take it with you.  Great!  After you've arrived at work, place the bottle of capers along side the container of yogurt you normally place on a shelf in the refrigerator.  When you leave work at the end of the day, leave without your capers.  Bingo!

As the days progress and you feel more and more comfortable leaving old condiments and rotting containers of unused chutney in your office refrigerator, bring as many as five items with you and watch as your home refrigerator grows gradually spacious and welcoming!

Happy Holidays!

(P.S. If you work for the FSRI, please disregard this "tip".  Any employee caught depositing expired food containers in any FSRI break room fridge will be formally reprimanded.)

HALLOWEEN IS OVER - RETURN TO WORK

A reminder: The offices of the FSRI will reopen as of 4:39 a.m. Monday and return to normal operating hours.  The time given to employees on Friday for early release (22 minutes for rank and file - 26 minutes for executive officers) will be subtracted from subsequent scheduled remittances.  Also, all FSRI employees are encouraged to come in early Monday morning (15 minutes) to restore their desks and cubicles to pre-Halloween presentation.  Employees will not be compensated for this time.

Thank you,

FSRI Board of Directors

[The above information does not apply for those FSRI employees in our Namibia, Dubai, Singapore or Tibetan offices.]

KWA's TIP OF THE DAY #2 - LENDING MONEY TO YOUR BOSS

It happens all the time.  You're sitting around, minding your own business and getting the stuff done at your office that you've been hired to get done.  Then, out of the corner of your eye you see your boss approach your cubicle.  A sinking feeling takes hold.  You know exactly what he's going to do: ask if he can borrow some money.

This kind of thing can go on forever.  You never get paid back, you're hemorrhaging income and your stress level is through the roof, unless, that is, you put a stop to it.  Here's what you should do:



-The next time your boss approaches you for money ask him how much he wants and then hand him the exact amount in small coinage (pennies, nickels and dimes.)  YES, SMALL COIN CHANGE!  When you hand over $50 in small coin in an old apple cider jug, your boss isn't going to know what to do.  First off, he has to stand through the painful process of watching you count out the amount.  Second, he's going to take a shameful walk down down the hall with a jug of change in his arms ..attracting all sorts of attention.  Third, he's going to have to figure out if he has time to run to a bank to get it counted ..or to run to a supermarket Coinstar machine.  What a hassle!  He'll think twice before asking you for money the next time.  Sure, your boss will probably turn to someone else to victimize, but at least your bank account isn't taking a hit.  And your high stress level? ..A thing of the past!

KWA

Karl W. Ager's TIP OF THE DAY

Hello, all!  Sundays can be pleasant days, but sometimes they can be a struggle.  Anxieties about going in to work on Monday can cloud out what should otherwise be a sunny experience.  Here's a tip to help you get by on this Sunday or any Sunday, for that matter..!

-Start right now by serving yourself up a dram of single malt Scotch whiskey.  Any brand over 20 years old will do..  Then pack your pipe with a rich pinch of cavendish tobacco.  The English Dunhill is the brand suggested here.  Now sit back and enjoy as much Scotch and smoking as you care to and take it easy and let Sunday pass by as any day should!  When Monday morning rolls around, simply inform your office that you are taking a sick day.  Voila!  Your Monday problem has vanished.

K.W.A

FSRI Poised to Buyout Southwest Airlines

Austin, TX. - In a surprising and unconfirmed move today, the FSRI (Faking Smart! Research Institute) announced that is has made an offer to the board of directors of Southwest Airlines today to purchase the floundering airline.

"We don't know anything about it," said Southwest Airline baggage handler, Toby Carmichael, during a cigarette break outside the baggage claim terminal.  "If that happens, well, I don't know what I'll do.  I guess I'll just have to see what goes down."

The FSRI has been threatening to buy a large stake in a major airline now for some years.  According to executives familiar with the process, however, plans have, until now, been scuttled due to a lost suitcase on a 2008 US Air flight from New Jersey to Phoenix carrying vital FSRI corporate take-over documents.  Even though US Air officials state that they are still tracking down the lost baggage, the FSRI has decided to continue with its plans to take over a corporation.

How about Sushi for lunch?

Sam, one of our VPs in Sales and Marketing, came by with this treat for himself yesterday.  He called it Sushi.  Apparently, there's a shop just around the corner from our world headquarters that sells this stuff.  We asked Sam how it tastes and this was his answer:

"Please don't bother me.  I lost two accounts today."

Thanks, Sam.  Enjoy!

Eating Lunch at Work? - A Few Ideas

During one of our monthly blog post meetings, a co-VP, from one of our FSRI Consumer Foods Divisions, came up with a great, light-hearted way of showing what one-another eats here for lunch at the FSRI.  This was in the summer of 2007!  As luck would have it, the idea was awarded final approval yesterday.  Here's our introductory post:

Hey, ever been hungry for this?  It's miso, a Japanese soy-based soup with seaweed, tofu and green onion.  Tom from the FSRI Indonesian Marketing Division says this of his daily bowl of miso:


"I don't eat it daily.  When I do eat it, it's fine."


bon appetit, Tom!

And the Winner is... Pilot Precise Grip Pen!

Congratulations Pilot for making a pen office workers can count on.  Why was Pilot rated the best over Pentel ...take a look for yourself and see what our FSRI Testing Division discovered:

Advantages Pilot had over Pentel:
1.  You can see how much ink is left through a slender window on the side.
2.  It had a nice, rubbery (sticky) finger grip surface.
3.  It's simple styling was minimalist and functional.
4.  The pen was evenly silver in color.
5.  It produced a fine line of ink suitable for nearly any office need.



Where the Pentel pen fell short:
1.  It's cap had tacky heating vents, as if it needed to cool down after use.
2.  "Metal Tip", "Liquid Gel Ink", "ENERGEL", "0.7 mm ball", "RECYCOLOGY", "Recap after use" ...and to top it all off, the pen even had a bar code at the base.  Come on, Pentel!  Really?
3.  Its rubber finger grip felt like the slimy touch of carp skin.
4.  Do you really need to boast about your 0.7 mm ball?  I was certain the 0.8 mm ball was at the edge of pen technology.
5.  The plastic casting produced an unattractive, mottled color to the cap.  The silver of the body of the pen was slightly (though surprisingly) different than that of the cap ...as if they were manufactured at different plants.  Now that's unprofessional.



So there you have it.  With this knowledge, go forth and achieve vast happiness and success.  Just don't bring a Pentel Energel along with you or ruin and despair is sure to plague you.

KWA

Decateur's Weekly Business Roundup

Ok, man, it's been a while.  Whatever...

For all those out there, the numbers have been pretty grim as of late.  I think the stock market has been down, and I'm pretty sure that consumer spending has been lack-luster as well.  What does this mean?  Well, it depends on how you look at it.  If stocks are down, try your luck in the bond market.  If consumer spending is no better than it was six months ago - well, if you're savvy, make the transition to long-term growth!  Guys ...this has '80s written all over it.

What is always disappointing is when people come up to me and say: "Decateur, are we ever going to get out of this lending haze?"  Or... "Decateur, are you ever going to mow my lawn?"

To them I say: "Just relax.  I'll get to it when I get to it.  It's been way hot and my mower is still all caked up with Mrs. Pelkey's grass from two weeks ago."  Also, I've got plenty of other problems.  Somebody went in and cornered the iron ore market in WOW and I can't find any good smelting opportunities for my pay-dirt steel.  And where is Twigglymcgee!?  (You know who you are...)

I heard Cory Doctorow has a new book out - For the Win - about mining in online gaming.  If I get any time to read (...which is highly improbably, due to all the time I spend writing my weekly business roundups for the FSRI), I think I might download his book to my mom's new Kindle.  'Course, I'll have to ask her if I can borrow it.  But whatever...

For the Hoard.
Decateur

And the Winner of our First Annual Pen-Off is...

...as of yet, undecided.  Our FSRI Pen-Testing division was in deadlock as of this afternoon, so KWA has offered to be the deciding vote.  He will announce his decision after his return from a fund-raising lunch in Seattle this week.

word-out
FSRI Pen-Testing Division

Pilot Pen? - It Proves a Point!

When our FSRI pen-testing division was put to the task of testing the new Pilot Precise Grip pen, we were eager to see what they discovered.  Our division took 350 executive employees and assigned each a Pilot pen.  They were then instructed, individually, to go out into the real world and in the space of three days to sign as many documents as they possibly could.  Here's what they found:

The Pilot Precise Grip, while not as "beefy" as its Pentel counterpart, was more than adequate for the task it was presented with.  On average, each staff employee taking part in the study found that they could sign up to as many as 124 documents in a day.  That makes, on average, 372 documents signed in the space of three days.  Wow, guys, nice work!  According to the participants, the Pilot Pen glided over the "Sign and Date" portion of the contract or confession, "...like tracing your name in thin air."

Our final evaluation: the Pilot Precise Grip should be proud at what it's accomplished.  It proved to be a great, light-weight partner to anybody interested in putting his or her name down in ink.  The only problem we did find with this pen was that putting a signature down on any document that finds its way in front of you may not be the best policy to go by.

After completing this study, the FSRI was flooded with a litany of legal issues that will take no less than 20 years to untangle.  Out of the appoximately 140,000 signatures signed during our study, 3,679 of those were confessions to murder in the 2nd degree.  1,479 confessions were signed on murder in the 1st degree. 102,073 signatures were signed agreeing to auto loans or leases on foreign sports cars and 13,899 signatures went towards applying for active duty in the U.S. Armed Services.  The remainder of the signatures went towards petitions to repeal city public urination ordinances.

BE CAREFUL WHEN SIGNING YOUR NAME ON A DOCUMENT!

Our mark - 4 STARS

Pentel? ...Not so Bad!

This pen was robust and solid.  Our FSRI pen-testing division used one pen to write 4532 "old school" hand-written termination letters and found it more than adequate in "getting the point across."

Of course, a hand-written termination letter is always a surprise in this day and age, ...especially when hand-delivered!  That's why our professional teams were surprised to find that this pen serve two utilitarian functions: while being a reliable writing pen, the implement also served well as a defensive weapon when the termination notice was delivered.


Thanks Pentel for making your point with hardened steel!

Our mark - 4 STARS

Pentel vs. Pilot in our FSRI First Annual Pen-Off Competition!

Want to see which pen holds its own during a merciless corporate testing crucible?  Tune into our next post to find out which brand gets a thumbs up from our scientists and pen-writing experts!

Have a Great Wednesday! And don't forget to leave a fingerprint...!

From everyone here at the FSRI, we wish you a happy and productive Wednesday.  If you can get away from your desk for a moment, come up and say "hi" to Betty in room 59473.  She's the one that runs criminal background checks on all employees, and she'll be glad to take your fingerprint for FSRI internal security purposes.

Also, everyone on the 34th floor, the plumbing department has asked that you refrain from using the toilets due to inexplicable flooding issues.  Use the restrooms on the 47th or 13th floors.

Thank you - Building Management.

Decateur's Weekly Business Roundup

Hey, what's up?  Whatever...

So, it's the middle of the summer and even though most of you are off on vacation and doing whatever it is people do in tents and that kind of thing, I thought I'd do a quick post on what you should be thinking about when you're out there climbing mountains or waterskiing.

GULF OIL SPILL: If you haven't heard, there's a huge spill out in the gulf right now and it ain't gettin' any better.  How will this affect your bottom line?  Don't worry, I've been watching the price of baby oil at the grocery store and it's remained the same throughout this entire disaster.  BOTTOM LINE - overhype.

WORLD CUP SOCCER: Or football, or whatever it is the Estonians call it.  Spain plays Holland this Sunday.  If you don't want to be seen as clueless at work on Monday, watch this game.  Also, if you can, while watching the game, try to pick up a bit on the rules and strategies.  That way you might actually be able to carry on a conversation about it when the subject comes up in the company break room.  Oh, yeah, and if you haven't placed a bet yet, I'm picking Spain in a blowout over the Dutch, 35 to 7.

ECONOMIC RECOVERY: This is the biggest load of bologna I've heard.  Everyone's talking about a crisis, but I don't see it.  Why, you might be asking yourself?  Well, first of all, it's been real rainy here for the last month -- a totally wet and soggy beginning to the summer.  "So, what?"  Well, when it rains grass grows right?  "Right."  And when grass grows people need there lawns mowed right?  "Right." And when people, especially Mrs. Miller, need their lawns mowed I offer to mow their lawns for a fee and consequently can pay my mom rent for my basement apartment and the monthly World of Warcraft membership right?  "RIGHT!"  So this big deal everyone is making about the economy is, as far as I'm concerned, malarky.

For the Hoard,
Decateur-out

The FSIHL and You - "Where it Doesn't Take a Einstein to Look Smart!"

Greetings from the FSIHL (Faking Smart! Institute for Higher Learning)!

Did you know that the FSIHL offers fully accredited three-week Bachelor's degrees in Faking Smart!?  Not many people know that.  Did you also know that the FSIHL offers fully accredited one-week Master's Degrees in Faking Smart!?

When applying for schools this next month remember that the FSIHL is one of the only institutes in the country to offer courses fully approved by the FSRI and acclaimed founder and maverick educator, Karl Wolfbrooks Ager.  

Memorial Day is Over - Return to Work

This is a reminder to all FSRI employees: Memorial day was over after Monday, the 31st of May, concluded and then became Tuesday the 1st of June.

YOU MUST NOW RETURN TO WORK AND RESUME YOUR JOB RESPONSIBILITIES

FSRI Security will be on the FSRI grounds to escort you to your division offices and cubicles.  Any other questions regarding the Memorial Day holiday should be directed to the HR department.

Thank you,

The FSRI

Monday is Memorial Day - Extended Weekend

A reminder to all FSRI employees:

The FSRI offices will be closed on Monday the 31st of May, in observance of Memorial Day.  All doors will be locked and security guards will be patrolling the area.  Any employee attempting to go to work on Monday, the 31st of May, will face disciplinary action resulting in mandatory furlough or termination.

Have a great weekend!
(The FSRI Enforcement and Security Division)

The Power of Information

You're all set to give that presentation to the big wigs today.  Your latte is steaming in its cup and the mist of freshly teflon-treated carpet creates a tingling sensation in your hands and feet.  As you step up to the front of the room, laptop flipped open and ready to project your power-point extravaganza, you realize that, even after all your preparation, you forgot one thing: INFORMATION!

If you're like millions of other corporate workers, you've found yourself in this scary scenario.  You've done so much preparation to pull off the great presentation, but you forgot to include one important thing: ...the information needed to substantiate your argument.  But don't worry, here's a few good tips to remember before making that embarrassing discovery in front of the people who are responsible for making or breaking your future.

1.  Do the math.  It doesn't really matter what kind of math you do, just do some math and write it out on your power point display and watch your audience's eyes grow wide with awe.  Whether or not your "math" has anything to do with the topic of your talk makes no difference.  Just throw up a few equations and mention how "surprised" you were when you saw this.  If you can, find an old college calculus book and just pick a few equations out of it.  If someone calls you out on your math - someone who might know about math or calculous - just dismiss your equation and say that it's nonsense.  Even showing dout in your math will help you to win over adherents.

2.  Plot a historic timeline.  No matter what anyone tells you, timelines work wonders in making broader points and instilling a sense in others that you understand the dynamics of your field of work.  What topic are you discussing today?  Make a timeline of the development of other like-minded topics.  Heck, if it comes down to it, just plot a timeline of your company's history.  When you're done going over it, ask your audience if there's anything you left out?  It can't hurt!

3.  Talk about emergent technologies.  Whatever company you work for, chances are it's already behind in the technology curve.  This is inevitable.  As soon as a company incorporates itself, it already has formed its paradigms of operation and will quickly fall behind the future demands of a changing technological landscape.  Anticipating future technologies will elevate your presentation from the static and historical to the futuristic and implausible.  Be creative in anticipating where you company will be 2000 years from now!

4.  Collect data and present it.  Data, no matter where it's collected or in what manifestation, will form the core of your presentation.  To pull off an expert presentation, you need data (information) and lots of it!  So pull in whatever data you can find and display it in whatever way you can.  Do you have an old graph you've been meaning to use?  Throw it out there and see if it sticks!  Do you have a flowchart your friend gave you a few years back?  Remove all the content and then screen it - then see what your audience comes up with when filling it out on their own!  Data is critical to forming a good presentation, so whatever you do, when the chips are down, throw some data out there and hit 'em where it counts!

Good luck!

KWA

FSRI-Global Delays Mission Statement Announcement

Dickinson, N.D. - This weekend FSRI-Global stunned analysts when they announced that they will delay revealing their mission statement until further research is concluded by the FSRI Mission Statement wing. The fax announcing their statement came through at a small office of a Super 8 Motel in Dickinson, ND at 7 p.m. Saturday evening.

"I was just sitting here surfing the Internet looking for some info on tomato starters for my wife when this fax came through," says 2nd shift attendant Kyle Clauson. "I didn't even know our fax machine worked any more, so I just threw the sheet of paper away and didn't think anything of it."

The fax was rescued from a Super 8 Motel trash can by an alert maid and promptly handed over to press authorities. At the time of the writing of this article the FSRI was unavailable for comment.

FSRI-Global made news recently when it announced it had constructed a new headquarters for its international operations. The FSRI is a privately held company.

Decateur Reviews the iPad

Hey, what's up? Whatever...

So, I just got my new iPad after waiting weeks for it to arrive via surface shipping from the Apple store and KWA asked me to write up a review for the blog. Go figure...

So, in my opinion, the iPad is a really great thing. It does so much stuff that it's hard to talk about it all. But I guess I'll try anyway.

The iPad has all the basics. It's like a computer that you can carry around with you! It can do emails and web-surfing. You can even play games on it. It's really, really cool...! One thing I like about the iPad is that it's not very heavy. It's about as heavy as a toaster ...or a small lamp, maybe. It's also cool because you don't have to fold it up like you do with a laptop. You just set it on the table and leave it there. The only problem I've found with the iPad is that if you leave it on the floor you might forget about it and step on it.

Anyway, so I don't really own and iPad, but if I did this would probably be what I would say about it. If you really want to know about the iPad, probably the best thing to do is to ask somebody who bought one to see what he or she thinks of it. That's your best bet, in my opinion.

So, please don't write in and ask me what I think about the iPad. I just don't know enough about it to tell you. I'm sorry, but that's just how it is right now. When I can afford one, then maybe I'll go out and buy one and give all my fans out there a good review of it. But until then, right now I got other things to deal with. I still got to come up with this month's rent, and my mom's starting to put a lot of pressure on me. She thinks I'm "surfing too much on the internets." And I'm like, Mom, you don't even know what "the internet's" are! She's draining my mana.

Later,

Decateur

What to Do When Someone is Bothering You at Work...

You're all set to start your day at the office. You've got your latte in your hand and the last couple of morning yawns escape from your mouth as you step up to your cubicle to start your day and - ZAP - it happens.

Out of the corner of your eye you spot somebody that bothers you. You've forgotten all about it, but you quickly remember that this co-worker has really been bothering you lately. It's just going to be another long day at work, you start to think to yourself. If only this person would quit bothering me, I might be able to get something done!

How many times have you encountered this situation before starting your day? If you're like billions upon billions of other people around the globe, you're not alone. Try the following "sure-fire" tactics to put an end to your problem so you can get on with your day and your career and not feel bothered while doing it!

1. Pretend this person doesn't exist: If this person approaches you, look right through him or her as if that person were merely a cloud of air. If another coworker brings up this person's name shake your head and act like you don't understand? Who, you may ask, are they talking about? Research has shown that if you deny somebody's existence, that person will cease to exist! Now, if the person that bothers you is your boss, you might run into trouble when using this tactic.

2. Scream when that person comes near you: It's true, people don't like to be screamed at. If the person who bothers you approaches you to talk or ask a question, scream at the top of your lungs! Do this whenever this person comes near you. Then start doing it whenever this person is in the same room. Soon this person will understand that whenever he or she is near you a large scream is sure to follow. Before you know it this person will never bother you again!

3. Hide whenever you see the person that is bothering you: If ignoring or screaming don't indicate that you are being bothered, try hiding whenever the person that is bothering you comes near. The more you hide, the better you start to learn about the layout of your office. Once you start to know the habits of the person who is bothering you, you can usually be sure to find a place to hide where that person is least likely to be!

4. Tell your boss to fire the person who is bothering you: If your boss doesn't understand the logic behind your request, then ask your boss to transfer or "move" the person bothering you to another location in the company.

5. Tell all your coworkers that aren't bothering you to tell the coworker that is bothering you not to bother you any more: If the person bothering you doesn't get the clue, then, chances are this person will continue to bother you and you should get used to it. Sooner or later, this person will die; and so will you. At that point you won't be bothered by this person any more.

6. Shoot invisible quantum rays at the person: Close your eyes and concentrate. When your level of focus has reached its peak, shoot a series of disruptive quantum rays at the person who is bothering you. If the rays don't disrupt the person, you can feel good anyway because you shot a good dose of quantum rays into this person's head!

7. Find out what the person's name is and call that person by a

different name.

8. When the person who bothers you approaches to talk, snort like a pig or bulldog whenever a point is made. Nod frequently and snort. Offer this person a sip from your latte. Poke your finger in this persons ear when they are trying to be serious.

9. When the person bothering you is standing close to you, shake and shiver like you're standing in 20 below cold weather. Do this all the time whenever this person is near you. Also, try laughing out loud whenever you shake and shiver.

10. When the person who is bothering you is hard to find, start looking around the office for this person. If he or she is trying to hide from you, you can be fairly certain that that person won't be bothering you anymore.

Decateur's Weekly Business Roundup

Hey, whats up? Whatever...

Hey, ah, the FSRI told me today that a lot was going on in the world when it came to business this week, and that they wanted a new Business Roundup to cap the the blog for Friday. I told them I wasn't interested, and then they told me that I had to because they pay me to do this. Whatever...

So, first off you've got the senate hearings on finance reform that happened earlier this week. If you ask me, it's basically a lot of blowhards trying to strut their stuff. Basically, this hearing was all about Goldman Sachs being in the hot seat for gambling investors money on speculative products. At least that's what my friend Pete says. He used to have a series seven annuity license until he was fired for stalking one of the banks clients. LOL. What a idiot!

Anyway, so you've got the Greek thing going on and the oil spill in the Gulf. Man, this all sucks. My mom was planning a trip to Santorini this summer, but she's wondering if she should do it now. THIS IS A CATASTROPHE OF EPIC PROPORTIONS! See, I was counting on having the house to myself for 10 days, and now that plan may be a complete waste. She has cable upstairs, dude, and I need a break...!

So, good luck with all your business stuff. I gotta take off and see what I can get for Titansteel at the WOW auction house. Hopefully is around 130gs.

Later,

Decateur

FSRI-Global Set to Unveil Mission Statement in AM Press Conference

Albany, NY - FSRI-Global is poised to announce its new mission statement to onlookers at an a.m. press briefing next week in New York State's capital. Since forming its new subsidiary, the FSRI (Faking Smart! Research Institute) has been closely watched by industry specialists to determine just what impact this new branch of the FSRI will have on target markets.

"It's a dice roll, if you ask me," says insider analyst Colby Tidbitter. "FSRI-Global first has to show us a balance sheet and then show us results. Otherwise, this might be just one more propaganda stunt we sometimes see from the FSRI."

"I think this is significant," says "Pints and Counter-Points" editor Malcomb Fisher. "When the FSRI dips its feet into new waters, you have to grab a towel, stand up and take notice?"

At the time of this article the FSRI was unavailable for comment.