The Faking Smart! Secret Job-hunting Method

At last we come to the final method in our discussion about job-hunting.

For years now the FSRI has been researching and studying different strategies for getting an employee the corporate job he or she should be looking for. During this period we have also found it beneficial to develop and test our own job-hunting strategies and tactics. With the highest levels of scientific rigor, we have proposed hypotheses, tested out theories and then presented the statistics necessary to substantiate our initial assumptions. What we have revealed could easily be considered shocking. The Faking Smart! Secret Job-hunting Method is one of these ground-shattering discoveries.

Whether finding a job through cold calling, internet searches, networking or through temp agencies, the job-hunter has a range of tools at his or her disposal. Each of these methods, however, leads to a lengthy process of phone interviews, applications, drug-testing, resume submissions, face-to-face interviews and eventually salary negotiations - all time-consuming and energy-draining activities. When using the Faking Smart! Secret Job-hunting Method you circumvent this often beleaguering protocol!

A word of caution: While the Secret Job-hunting Method is best suited for entry-level company positions, it may be comfortably used at any tier of the corporate employee hierarchy. Also, when implementing the Secret Method be sure, as always, to adhere closely to the Faking Smart! guidelines.

The Faking Smart! Secret Job-hunting Method is this:

When you find out that a company has an opening for a particular position, simply put on some nice clothes, collect a few "office things" together in a small box and show up for work! Yes! it's that simple! When you hear of a job opening just show up and start working!

The hidden truth, discovered by the FSRI, is that human resource departments loath the hiring process. By simply entering the building, finding a cubicle or office and sitting down to work you are presenting yourself as a "corporate gift!" HR doesn't have to verify references, trudge through lengthy cover letters or get reports back on questionable urine samples ...and management doesn't have to steal valuable time away from what they do best - MANAGE!

When you show up and start work - absent the awkward emailing, interviewing and clumsy handshaking - you are telling the company that "you know the game! and you are eager to play." AND LOOK - YOU'VE ELIMINATED THE APPLICATION AND INTERVIEW PROCESS IN ONE FELL SWOOP! Sure, you may ruffle a few feathers, but just like a lost wildebeest relocating its herd, you're quickly assimilated and ready to rejoin the stampede!

So, there you have it - the long-awaited Faking Smart! Secret Job-hunting Method. This is just one of the thousands upon thousands of FSRI-developed business strategy methods, and the more of these strategies and methods you use in your daily business life the better and better you become at Faking Smart!

KWA

Decateur's Weekly Business Roundup

Hey, how's it going. Guess it's time for me to give my weekly "roundup"?

I know, I know ...the market is crashing and you're afraid that your investment portfolio is ready to submerge. According to news reports the subprime-mortgage crisis has sent global financial markets into a tailspin over credit market woes. My advice: SELL! Dump it all - dump your stocks, your mutual funds, your annuities and your kid's college bonds and convert it into something solid like Pepsie-powered trucks or ant farm home-heating systems. Or follow your instincts and do what I did: take all your money out of the bank and bury it in a chest under the oak tree in your back yard where no one will find it.

Which brings me to the bumper crop of corn the country is set to produce this year in response to high ethanol demand. According the the Wall Street Journal corn production will yield enough to fill 183,000 Olympic-sized swimming pools. This may be good for corn futures investors, but for those suffering mid-westerners wanting to escape the summer heat this is a blow to human dignity. Ever tried swimming in a pool of corn? Not me, and I don't want to - even if it's creamed corn. Look for a down-turn in pool toy accessory stocks.

And this may be the reason the government has announced that jobless claims have increased. The Wall Street Journal also reports that jobless claims are up this week by 7,000 to 316,000. How much do you want to wager that most of these claimants are out-of-work lifeguards?

Lastly, according to the Washington Post the Bush administration has instigated a policy of clamping down on illegal immigrant workers. Measures include "raising fines for knowingly hiring illegal workers, streamlining current guest-worker programs, bolstering an electronic system employers can use to verify workers' legal status, and adding 370 miles of border fencing, 300 miles of vehicle barriers and 1,700 Border Patrol agents." In short, look for skyrocketing home-building costs, a spike in produce prices, a shortage of home health-care workers, a down-grade in salsa taste and quality and renewed scrutiny of Taco Bell's "think outside the bun" policy.

See you next week.

Decateur

The Faking Smart! Secret Method to Successful Job-Hunting

...will not be revealed today. But it will be very soon. In the meantime I wanted to bring up an issue that's been haunting the blogosphere for the last week ...the outing of the fake Steve Jobs on the blog fakesteve.blogspot.com.

As a commenter brought up in the previous post, ...how do we know if a blogger is what he or she claims to be? And if a blogger is "faking" his or her identity, why?, and for what reason would someone go to such lengths to deceive?

Like many of you, I've been a big fan of the fake Steve Jobs. Eagerly reading his posts has been included as one of my morning rituals ...tucked right in with steeping my cup of larch leaf tea and reading a passage of Tacitus to Spinoza. But this unmasking of the "fake" Steve has created a kind of crisis of confidence. It is a struggle for me to look at a profile now and believe what I see. Is, for example, the Barack Obama portrayed on his "official" website really the presidential candidate Obama, or is it someone else? - Hillary?! Is the Perez Hilton I see at Perez's site really the attention-seeking narcissist I think it is ...or is there someone else pulling the strings behind those cherubic jowls? Is the Frogster really a blogging frog?

Which brings me to the question of this very site. The FSRI blogging division, with the hundreds of employees that work hard day and night to make sure this blog is one of the best on the net, has asked me to reassure you that Faking Smart! in Corporate America is exactly what it is, nothing more. There's no fakery going on here. What you see is what you get ...the real Faking Smart!, and not the fake Faking Smart!. The ideas you see every day on this site are completely genuine and verifiable - 107% checked and double checked by our team at the FSRI labs. If we didn't take these measures we would risk an erosion of blogger trust. And that is the last thing we, or anybody wants...

Thanks for letting me bend your ear.

KWA and the FSRI

Job-Hunting Through Temp Agencies

Last week we talked about researching the job market through cold calling. Today we discuss the method of using a temp agency, or temporary employment agency, to help you land a job.

In the last decade or two temporary employment agencies have become a mainstay in helping people to find good, solid corporate work. Through an intimate understanding of the job market temp agencies are in the unique position to pair employee with employer - pair strengths with needs, experience with expectation - thereby creating an excellent employee/employer match. Just about anyone you talk to today has had some sort of experience with a temporary agency, and while some might describe this relationship as, at times, strained, many, if not most, find it rewarding, and, under the right circumstances, the perfect resource for "getting a foot in the corporate door." If employer and employee turn out to get along, (and the temp agency gives its nod of approval) a temporary position can quickly translate into permanent corporate placement.

One aspect in working for a temp agency that many find difficult to understand is the fact that, even though you may be working at a company, you are still the "bonded" employee of your temp agency. The company pays the temp agency for your work, the agency takes its cut and returns your percentage.

In this sense, the operational model for most temporary agencies goes back a long way ...way back to one of the oldest professions in history. It has been said the the earliest of "escort", or "companion" services incorporated what we now understand to be temp workers. By matching employer with employee, or by "putting the worker out to turn a trick," the agency, or pimp, would take a monetary cut on the service provided by his or her temp and then hand over what he or she felt was adequate compensation.

Today, as the business world continues to flourish, so will temp agencies right along with it!

KWA

And thanks, Decateur for your previous post. We'll all be looking forward to the next!

Decateur's Weekly Business Roundup

Thanks for joining me here at the Weekly Roundup. I hope everybody had a good week. I didn't, but that's not important.

Right off the bat, I was glad to hear that Hainan Airlines is getting ready to offer non-stop service between Seattle and Beijing starting next June. I predict this will help the stagnant Chinese food industry in the Northwest by cutting delivery times (and cost) by a lot. (And yes, this will totally increase delivery ranges as well...) Time to buy into Chinese food stock if you haven't already. I suggest The Mandarin Buffet or The Great Wall as top picks.

Which brings me to the Chinese toy recall announced by Mattel last week. According to CNN Mattel is recalling 1.5 million toys sold in the U.S. due to paint tainted with lead. I don't know this kid but why he needs so many Chinese toys is beyond me. And the dad that has to bring all those toys back to the store deserves what's coming to him. In my generation spoiling a kid like that was unheard of. We didn't have toys back then, either. They weren't allowed in the closet where I grew up, and I'm pretty sure the same went for my imaginary friends.

As for landscaping news, The Wall Street Journal announced on Friday that hedge funds were able to "rack up big profits" despite the gloomy forecast on the economy. Which proves my theory, that no matter how bad things are out there people will always find money when they need their lawn cut. Hedges are worse than lawns, but if you want my opinion, there should be more funds and fewer hedges. Get rid of your hedges, guys, and put your money where it will do you some good ...like in the livestock market.

Now, for the street-beat new product hunt I came across this little nugget about duct tape accessories in the NY Times. For those of us (yes, that includes me) who have invested steeply in the scotch tape and electric tape industries, this bad news. Now that duct tape has gotten over its "innovation hurdle" and gone into diversified product status I suggest dumping your tape interests and sticking back to the old glue sector. No, ...you can't make a handbag out of glue, but then again, you can't glue a quarter to the floor with a handbag.

Lastly, KWA the FSRI and myself send out our condolences to the victims of the bridge collapse in Minneapolis. The good news is that this catastrophe has raised awareness of the poor condition of many of our country's bridges. The bad news is that the new 35West bridge is not expected to be finished till 2009. Expect big delays for anybody still trying to get to work by this route. You'll need to find a place to park, a rubber raft and somebody to pick you up on the other bank once you've made it across. I don't know about you but that sounds like a rough commute ...just to get to work, pour yourself a cup of joe and fall asleep for eight hours before going through the whole thing again. Look for a spike in rubber raft and lifesaver manufacturer equities.

Decateur Thoms "The Networker"

Until Mr. Thoms adjusts to posting regularly on the interweb he will be posting through the FSRI's official account.

Faking Smart! - Making Your Business Ours

As we have shown, In the last couple of decades the paradigm for finding good, solid corporate work has shifted away from the days when it was necessary to call up the old party boss and request that he "grease a few gears on the old corporate machine" to get your foot in the door at company X, Y or Z. The internet and modern telecommunications has done away with such tawdry political back-tickling. Today boasts a better era - an era where getting corporate work is as democratic as apple pie ...an era where simply eating apple pie gives you many more options than if you weren't eating apple pie. (Blueberry pie is also good.) The point is, we at the FSRI don't really care what you are eating when out of the office. What we do care about is that you are in your office and that you are Faking Smart! safely and successfully, and to do so you need corporate work, and to find corporate work you need to be - YES - Faking Smart!

For the millions of regular readers who pay moderate attention to the strategies and ruminations that occur here on nearly a daily basis, you may not realize it but you are party to a revolution in thought itself. When you stare blankly into the vortical might of the FSRI's schemes and claims you are witnessing the breakdown of logic and the buildup of a higher and more expedient corporate epistemology. The more you read the clearer it gets! And the clearer it gets the less you want to read about it! Get it?

DON'T READ SO MUCH. FAKING SMART! HAS YOUR BRASS NAMEPLATE ORDERED AND ON ITS WAY. SIT BACK AND ENJOY THE RIDE. FOLLOW THE GUIDELINES AND TRUST IN THE TRUST WE HAVE IN YOU.

Next up: Temp Agencies and Decateur Thoms's weekly business roundup.

KWA

Job-hunting vs. Headhunting

The FSRI wanted me to clarify a few items from yesterday's post. While discussing job-hunting strategies I cited the Wikipedia definition of "cold calling" as "...something a headhunter might do." This is correct. Headhunters cold call, and they cold call often, ...as do many job-hunters. But this shouldn't confuse the issue.

Here are the official FSRI definitions for these two types of people:

Job-hunter: This is someone actively seeking employment at a company or corporation. A job-hunter hunts for jobs - seeks employment - using traditional methods of finding work. Once a job-hunter has found a job he or she is no longer a job-hunter but is now a fully fledged employee with all the perks and benefits the position may bestow.

Headhunter: A company employs a headhunter when it doesn't want to deal with the awkward business of firing one of its own employees. A professional headhunter is brought on to "serve an undesirable employee's head on a platter" to the upper brass, thereby completing the company's dirty work. If a company or corporation is large enough there may be a full-time staff of headhunters at the corporate board's disposal.

Now, there may be an instance where a job-hunter is job-hunting for a headhunter position. If you have a professional headhunting license (...and you have the stomach for it) this can be a lucrative and fulfilling career. But be forewarned ...if you ever get a cold call from a headhunter you haven't met before, clean out your desk and start job-hunting again before things get messy.

KWA